Based on a truth, a lie, a love, and a paradox. It’s all real one way or another, and I’m the only one who need know the way.
Inspired by someone who inspired me to take Ground Zero. But if anyone asks that never happened.
Wus popping fam. Nemo here.
It has recently come to my attention that Ground Zero is very good >~<
After all this time i spent talking trash about it, and campaigning against it, and making many, many, oh so many jokes about it, who would have thought that it’s actually… * you can do this nemo * … very not bad!
I came to this revalization after meeting a true legend on the battlefield, who’s name shall not be spoken for it’s shear awesomeness could turn your brain into an amorphous paste. Allow me to recite the tale, for it was a grand one indeed.
There I was, in the formless black void that is the thriving quickmatch queue on PS4. I was solo queue, brimming with such confidence, such arrogance. I felt like I could take on Boss_annihilator himself! a rapid 20 minutes later I had my randoms and I rocketed forth into the game. little did I know that I was playing Deande in the wrong lobby.
As soon as we spawned in something hit one of my randoms from across the map, through the spawn barrier, and past all the guardrails. The attack was so violent that the ■■■■ random was ejected from the lobby and totally didn’t rage quit like a total bitch. After sending him some quick hate mail i joined my team on the front lines, only to witness something so horrifying and awe inspiring that I was physically incapable of moving my thumbsticks at the mere sight of it.
the man, my enemy, the opposing Deande, he tore through our ranks, killing countless innocent minions as if they owed him memes. His movement was surgical, his strategy unheard of. I remember watching, my jaw agape as he used his holotwin dash to propel himself head first off the cliff at double thralls so as to reduce the walking time to get back to his second sentry and defend. Yes, we were wining, but then he hit level 4…
Our team wasn’t ready for him to break out the big guns. Drain Dash, it killed us all. My right hand man, xX_SomethingEdgy_Xx who i had been gaming with for all of thirteen minutes, he was the first to go. As soon as the Ground Zero touched him he fell, the writhing in his eyes speaking of a pain far worse than any chemical weapon or any undank meme to ever see use in combat before. He too rage qui- er, was forcibly removed from the lobby dude to medical reasons and not because he was trash.
That put the troops on edge, seeing Edgy go down like that. We knew the battle was lost but we needed to hold the line long enough for @vagrantsun 's counter attack. As the official acting least trash person on my team i took command of the remaining troops, my bois Inflated_Hippo and some other made up guy i can’t be bothered to make a name for. I told them that if they wanted to leave now they were free to, and that i would only call them total bitches behind their backs if they left now.
they both rage quit.
And there I was. The last remaining Nemo. the enemy came for me, diving me behind my sentry. I tried to make a stand, but off in the distance I heard the sound of Silent Strike being incorrectly prioritised under EOS. He was coming for me.
Before my sentry i made my final stand, holding off minion after minion, stun Rath after slow Kelvin after unstable rift Kleese. I held them off, sending them back to their spawn guardrails. Then he came for me. From behind a blossom of death erupted from the Deande’s war fans, their radiant wash of untold destruction seeping into every orifice.
The last thing I remember was the team taunt.
Okay so that’s the short and slightly poetic version of what happened. based on a true story. GBX I’ll be waiting in my office for the proposal to make it into a movie or a spin-off game or some trading card game. Starting price for rights the story is one Deande cyber skin shift code for me and my two other DHC members.
But now for some knowledge, because as you know I, Nemo, love boring you all with long winded explanations to topics that a grand total of 6.5 people in this entire world care about. Are you excited yet? no? too ■■■■■■■ bad.
Directly after the aforementioned game, the legendary Deande player on the enemy team took pity on me, opening his psn message app and dispersing his vast trove of wisdom unto me. The following article is from that very conversation.
There you have in people. Knowledge. Give it a moment to sink in. (If the original sender of the message sees this please don’t come for my cats. just take Kevin okay?)
After receiving this amazing message that totally didn’t piss me off, or cause me to rant uncontrollably for hours on end, I summoned the DHC.
I called a board meeting of all our department heads, branch executives, foreign policies managers, meme designers, and my cats. Since @Deande was MIA that left me and @Phoenix-2613. The two off us got down to brass tacks immediately after a hardcore session of launching shoes up onto overhead power lines with an air cannon.
As the foremost world expert on Ground Zero, being a B.3 tier Deande after all, Phoenix was quick to point out that simultaneously taking both Ground Zero and Drain Dash was a mathematical impossibility. It transcended the bounds of reality to let one Deande hold so much power in a single build, but i assured her I had seen it with my own eyes. She herself had tried on several occasions, each attempt resulting in the explosion of the capillaries within both eyes, ultimately leading to a total red out.
Then, one day when I was at work I had a revelation. What if the legendary player I went against didn’t have eyes…
It made sense, seeing as aiming was not a problem one had to deal with when using Ground Zero. And not having eyes would eliminate the possibility of induced blindness, further red outs, or the spread of cancer, AIDS, Ebola, and crippling depression through sight.
I jumped from the ladder i was on, completely voiding my ability to make a claim from the Workers Compensation Board if i fell, but luckily i only sprained my ankle when I landed and proceeded to waddle to my console.
Phoenix and I preformed multiple tests involving blind and blindfolded people and the results were truly astonishing.
I’ve compiled a short top 10 facts about Ground Zero that we discovered to be true after all the testing.
1 - Ground Zero is ONLY 17 times more likely to give you lung cancer than being a chronic smoker.
2 - Ground Zero actually exists in 4 dimensions.
3 - Ground Zero is the real cause of climate change
4 - if you listen closely you can hear Rendain’s voice inside Ground Zero as he screams for help (this is where he was banished to)
5 - Picking Ground Zero is the number 1 cause of exploding finger syndrome across the globe.
6 - Abraham Lincoln was actually killed by Ground Zero
7 - In Cards Against Humanity, there was originally a Ground Zero card, however it was removed for fear that I was too powerful.
8 - the illegal usage and dealing of Ground Zero as an illicit drug has been going on in Europe and North America for nearly two decades.
9 - Ground Zero is rumoured to be the only move that can destroy Chuck Norris, but that depends on how aged you like your memes.
10 - Ground Zero is very good >~<
So as you see it’s a lot of good mixed in with some bad. Too bad you have to have no eyes or be a real legend to witness it’s glory.
But wait, there’s more! being the amazing dude I am, I made a simple guide on how you too can wield Ground Zero from the comfort of your own home in safety! Yes, that’s right! No more going to the doctor to get your eyes pierced just to use it. And no more highly contagious diseases infecting you from using it otherwise!
Plus, if you call within the next 5 minutes and order the DVD guide kit and specialised Ground Zero goggles we’ll throw in some amazing build ideas from Mr. DrJackSpunn himself!
Step 1 - Opening helix tree
press up on D - pad
Step 2 - Look away/shield eyes
an important part of the ground zero strat is making sure you do not die before you reach the enemy!
Step 3 - Click the right option
This is it bois!
Step 4 - Take Drain dash at level 4
We bout to step it up!
Step 5 - GO! GO! GO!
Forward unto the enemy!
Step 6 - Find the nearest cliff, precipice, or ledge…
this is where the fun begins!
…and hurl yourself from it
Step 7 - Repeat step 6 until you get the ■■■■■■■ point im trying to make!
Plot twist, Ground Zero is actually bad. Now go home and rethink your lives. Think about what we have learned here with Nemo today. I fold my arms confidently, knowing my point will not be lost.
So i had a lot of projects going on, but i decided to waste time with this. Do you have a negative opinion on it? well to bad for you it’s wrong.
I actually had a blast doing this for kicks, because yes, i do enjoy writing. even though i wasn’t with @blainebrossart1 this time . @Phoenix-2613 Sorry i didn’t do it with you either like i said i would, but hopefully my new role as an Emotional Support Deande has been fulfilled. P.S: Nemo strikes back P.P.S: We can do a different one if you want. This Nemo is at no shortage of randomness.
To everyone else, thanks for all the support on pretty much everything I’ve done on these forums. I know most of you probably didn’t read all of my guides in their entirety, but I appreciate it even if you clicked on the thread, was greeted by a massive wall of text, clicked “like” to say “hey, props for the effort”, and then left. The Deande section became my home on these forums, and on the internet outside of Battleborn, because of your kind words, critiques, hole poking, and random joking.
I love ya’ll. And no this isn’t an I’m quitting Battleborn thing either, don’t worry. I may be a recovering addict, but I’m not doing the recovering part very well. I couldn’t leave my Deande. But what I am doing is ceasing the long term production of major guides, aside from STABS after the update which will serve as both a guide and an ultimate archive of the things i don’t want to forget. I may still make small guides, like the one I did WAY back on Deadly Reach, but we’ll see how it plays out.
However I’m not done making stuff. I’m shifting my efforts to finish all remaining creative projects I have yet to finish for this game. A final montage or two, more random stuff like this, possibly a decent sized chunk of word-type-things all strung up to make a story if I can figure it out, and possibly fan art IF i can git gud enough.
thank you fam.