Bandit Yelp Reviews: NOW WITH 100% MORE LUNATIC RAVINGS!

Exactly what it says. Imagine psychos writing Yelp reviews of any business they patronize. Meals, depilation services, auto repair shops, book stores, etc… You name it, I want to hear how you think those reviews would be written.

Rules:

  1. All caps

And that’s the rule, although I’m sure @system would appreciate if we included the businesses we reviewed in lower case. Let’s make each other laugh folks.

An example my brain put forward this morning:

"I WANTED TO EAT THEIR BABIES, BUT THEY WERE BLAND AND PLATED IN A MOST DULL FASHION!!!

Please make me laugh.

8 Likes

Soy un cabezon necesito tener una cuerda en la cabeza para no volar hacia arriba v:

2 Likes

“I am a big head I need to have a rope on my head so as not to fly upwards v:”

What the hell is this?

5 Likes

SERVICE WAS TERRIBLE!! WE WAITED A HALF HOUR BEFORE EVEN BEING ACKNOWLEDGED!!

NEVER SHOULDA COME HEEEEEEERE!!!

(@system is working against the required format…)

6 Likes

lo siento amigo, pero ¿qué negocio estás revisando?

1 Like

FOOD WAS TERRIBLE! BABYSTEAKS TOO WELL DONE! TRIED TO LEAVE BUT MANAGER WOULDN’T LET ME. KEPT SHOUTING “NEVER SHOULDA COME HERE NOW YOU’RE GONNA PAY”

Damn bandits tryin’ to dine and dash.

8 Likes

The Hyperion Butcher

:star::star::star::star::star:

BEST PLACE IN TOWN TO GET A STEAK!!
I ASKED FOR TWO POUNDS AND FOR NO EXTRA CHARGE THEY GAVE ME THREE POUNDS OF FLESH!!

9 Likes

Scav Steaks 'n Stuff

I brought a pail lunch but they told me it wasn’t pale enough!

6 Likes

DOOK HUT CHAIN IS BEST! 5 STARS FOR GUNS BUT 1 STAR FOR NO TP! VAULT HUNTERS ALWAYS MAKE ME CRAP MY PANTS!
Dishonest Johns- “We take crap from everyone!”

8 Likes

Claptrap Hardware

:star::star::star::star::star:

I ASKED THEM TO BRING ME A BUCKET AND THEY SHOWED ME A BUCKET!!

7 Likes

Pyro Pete’s Bar

RUDE customers and staff!!! Asked where the bathroom was and the ENTIRE BAR shouted “OVER THERE!”

WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!?

7 Likes

Kitty Kream
Town of Oasis
FTN: PAN-4522-B

:star2::star2::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star: 4 Reviews


:star2::star2::star2::star2::star2:
Fred3 - Fyrestone
DERD KREEM! GOT KREEM! 10/5!

26 users found this review helpful.


:star2::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star:
FERGgGgGgGgGgGgGgGgGgGgGgGgG97 - Dahl Headlands
HOST NO SHUT-UP!!! TRY TO TALK VOCES IN GUN BAREL! CANSTANT ITRUPT! ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS!!!

18 users found this review helpful.


:star2::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star:
UrsulaTheFemaleCannibal - Southern Raceway
'NOTHER BUSNEZ OWN’D BY MAN!!! TWO MANY MEN UN PANDURA!!! EAT’LL THUH PENUSIS!!!

3 users found this review helpful.


:crying_cat_face::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star::eight_pointed_black_star:
FeliciaLuvr99 - Salt Flats
I luv Felicia. I even lernt to spel her nam. She tems me liak a godess from up un hi. Stoopid daughtur swipes at her nipul… keeps sweat Felicia from me. But she strieds alung with her tale held hi an smiuls all the same. I wan that sign. I WAN… THAT… SIGN… 50 credis, my hole life savings, if u can bring sweat Felicia to me in the Sal Flas…

0 users found this review helpful.

15 Likes

Krieg’s Gym:

OFFERED ME BABY STEAKS FOR ONE MORE REP, BUT MADE ME DO TWENTY, AND WHEN HE GAVE IT TO ME IT WAS WELL DONE!!! THEN HE HIT HIMSELF IN THE FACE UNTIL I RAN AWAY SCREAMING!!! WHEN WILL MY PECS HAVE PECS!?!?!?

7 Likes

Benedict’s WAY ahead on format points.

7 Likes

He’s always been an overachiever.

7 Likes

we have a winner right here.

5 Likes

Despicable Rat Bastards’ Repair 'n Grub

:star::star::star::star::star:
MY MERRY-GO-ROUND WAS BUSTED! HEADS KEPT FLYING OFF! NOW MY HEADS ARE SECURE AND THEY EVEN GAVE ME COMPLEMENTARY JERKY!

HAS ANYBODY SEEN DAVE?!

9 Likes

BABY STEAKS!! NOW!:cut_of_meat::cut_of_meat::cut_of_meat::cut_of_meat::cut_of_meat::cut_of_meat::cut_of_meat::cut_of_meat:

5 Likes

MARCUS MUNITIONS

The BULLLETZ WERE DEEEELISHUSSSSSSS!!!

6 Likes

Ammo and stuff:

:star: :star: :star:

THE BULLETS ARE HIGH QUALITY AND TASTE GREAT, BUT I NEED DELIVERY… TO MY FACE!!! NOT SO HARD, NEED, WANT, BULLETS IN MY FACE!!! DON’T WANT TO WALK ALL THE WAY TO THE VENDING MACHINE SO I’M WAITING FOR SOMEONE WITH A GUN AND BULLETS TO WALK BY AND SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!!!

Reviewed by FaceMcShooty420@SHOOTMEINTHEFACE@MYSPACE.COM

11 Likes