Toby on Benedict’s Rocket Launcher Nerf
TOBY (In his quarters):
WHAT!!!??? BENEDICT’S ROCKET LAUNCHER GOT NERFED!!!???
Oh man! OH MAN!!!
Wait… wait… hold it back… hold it back…
Jumps in Berg and begins epic run over to Benedict’s room. Nearly tackles Deande in the hall. Stops. Apologizes. Deande says it’s ok. Apologizes again. Deande says it’s seriously ok. Continues awkwardly fumbling for words nervously in half apologies. Deande stops him.
Toby… you were going somewhere in a hurry… You wanna get back to that?
Right… right… sorry!
Builds momentum to continue epic run.
By the way… I think you’re pretty neat!
Deande shakes her head and continues on. Toby finally makes it to Benedict’s room.
Begins frantically pounding on the door. Hears Benedict say something along the lines of “just a minute!” Ignores him.
BENEDICT!!! I JUST HEARD ABOUT YOUR ROCKET LAUNCHER… AND… I JUST GOTTA SAY…
Benedict opens the door dressed in a tasteful red smoking jacket with a brandy snifter. Smooth piano lounge music can be heard in the background.
Ah, Toby. I’ve been expecting you. Won’t you come in?
What the hell?
Come in, Toby…
Benedict turns around and walks calmly into his quarters, leaving the door open behind him. Toby follows cautiously, confused as hell. Benedict stands beside a leather armchair. At a smaller, identical leather armchair right beside it sits his rocket launcher, Boomsday, also dressed in a tasteful red smoking jacket with a glass of brandy sitting on the floor. Benedict motions to a third armchair sitting directly across from his own.
What the hell is this?
I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a man robe for you Toby. Please. Put it on. And sit.
Toby glances over and sees a small coat rack with a penguin-sized red smoking jacket on it.
Um… I’d rather not.
As you wish.
Toby… I think it’s time we had the man talk.
The man talk, Toby. Every young nestling has to have the man talk at some point before they truly become a man.
YOU SON OF A F*$#$)$%(#)$)#$##^@^!(@@($(@@(!(@!(@()%$($!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OLD I AM?! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF WITH THIS “MAN TALK” S(%T YOU F^%ING…
Toby. I saw the video of the last Spheniscidae Survivors Social.
WHAT THE HELL!!! ARE YOU SPYING ON ME!!??
This isn’t about me Toby. This is about you. This is about you… and Pam.
What the hell do you know about her?
I know that you love her. I know that you would give anything to be with her. And I know your nemesis Jim walked right up to her and stole her away. “Here. Can you hold our drinks, Toby?” “Um… well I… um… I… I… sure…”
Toby is too shocked to speak and has tears in his eyes.
Toby. It was painful. It was painful to me, and I wasn’t even there. Hell, I make fun of you every chance I get, but… I… I just can’t this time.
Listen, Toby. I’m gonna give you some advice. Ladies… ladies love a nice guy. But never as a nestmate. I should know. I was married. And I never would’ve got that way… if I hadn’t spoken up and said, “Excuse me sir, I am the lady’s escort tonight. And I do not appreciate your attitude that I am some piece of dust to be brushed aside. Now. If the lady wants to dance with you, that is fine, but you will show us both the proper respect before you do so. Otherwise, I will take this outside away from polite company.”
TOBY (Shocked, confounded, and with no idea what else to say):
Did… did you take it outside?
Yeah… but that’s not real interesting. He was a drunken fool pickin’ on a man with a friggin’ BAZOOKA IN HIS CAB!!! Not a pretty sight when we finished… Vomit everywhere. Although my girl loved it… Oh, Benedict… I loved the way you handled that dru—
Starts hugging himself. Catches himself.
Look. The point is… if you want the girl to respect you… you gotta show her you’re worth her respect. Now I’m not sayin’ to be a crazy obsessive stalkin’ freak… but don’t be afraid to stand up and say… hey. I’m here. I’m not a doormat. ‘Cuz if you let ‘em… those douchey guys’ll take yer’ girl every time. And you’ll always be stuck holdin’ the drinks.
Toby stares in disbelief.
Toby, call her. See if she wants to go out tonight. I hear the borealis over the Bliss ice caves is beautiful this time of year. And be sure to dress up Berg. That’s all, man.
Toby continues to stare at Benedict in disbelief. He glances at Berg, then frowns quickly and opens his mouth to say something. He stops, closes his mouth again, and slightly trembling waddles over to Berg, gets in, and leaves. Pendles decloaks in the hall.
So… D’ja kick is ass? It got real quiet in there. Ya pull a…
Pendles pulls out handkerchief, puts it against his mouth, fakes passing out with an “Ohhhh,” then whips out a blade and makes 13 repetitive stabbing motions towards Toby’s chest.
TOBY (Looking at Pendles and trembling slightly):
I… I think I need to make a call…
Toby slowly waddles off with Berg. Pendles stares in disbelief. After several seconds, he begins pounding on Benedict’s door.
HEY!!! HEY!!! WHAT THE HELL’D YA DO TO MY FRIEND, TOBY?
The door opens. Some kind of yellow, white and foul smelling liquid hits Pendles right in his good eye. The door closes.
PENDLES (Panicked and in pain):
AHHHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??? AHHHH!!!
El Dragón, who has apparently been eavesdropping around the corner this whole time, sees his opportunity, extends his arms, and charges forward. Pendles finally clears his eye, just in time to see his fate, and screams. Soft cluckling can be heard from Benedict’s room.
ARCHIVED TALE. ORIGINAL POST…