Benny's Battleborn Tales

Toby’s Double Standard


(This is a compilation of multiple rants I rolled into a mega rant.)

I am so sick of the double standard with Toby.
You’re either a badass… or you aren’t.
Everyone treats him like an adorable cute little guy, but he hates being adorable.
Soooo… I try to treat him like I treat everyone else… and I’m the a**hole picking on poor little Toby.
I just can’t win with this…
Is he a badass, and should I treat him like a badass, or is he an adorable little guy I should smother with kindness like a puppy!!??
This is the most frustrating battle I’ve ever fought!
Worse than being stuck on a team of level 3’s in Incursion, hell worse than losing my home star!!!
At least those battles had clearly defined rules!!
With Toby… there ARE NO RULES!!!
All the other Battleborn say he’s cute all the time and talk about what a poor little guy or a nice little guy he is, which is not badass, and is actually offensive to Toby since he hates being called cute. And yet, in spite of THE WORDS THAT JUST CAME OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS, they tell me I can’t call him cute! I have to treat him like a badass! Right after they just contradicted his badassery! They’re treating him like he can’t defend himself when he built his own FRIGGIN’ badass mech! (Yeah, I admit it, Berg is badass!)
So… ok… I’ll treat him like a badass.
Except he doesn’t behave like a badass. He acts all insecure and sh*t.
I can’t win a conversation if the rules keep changing!!
So what the hell!!??

Here’s a typical conversation…

ME:
Hey, Toby… You want to get a beer sometime?

TOBY:
Uh… no… I don’t drink.

ME:
Ok… fine not your thing. Plenty of sober badasses out there. So… I saw you blow the face off that thrall last mission… that was an awesome facesplosion man.

TOBY:
Oh… I feel so bad about it though. I’m sure he was a nice guy underneath somewhere. Probably had a family too.

ME:
He was a thrall Toby. He was trying to kill you. He was a servant of Rendain. The guy we all hate.

TOBY:
I know. I feel so bad for him. He’s totally given up. He thinks that’s the only way of saving his people. And now we have to murder him for it. I mean… he’s a bad guy and all… but it’s hard not to empathize with him just a little.

ME:
EMPATHIZE!!??? HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU EMPATHIZE WITH A SNAKE LIKE RENDAIN!!?? WHAT THE HELL, MAN!!???

TOBY:
Well, I… um… he’s… I’m sure… I don’t like him… he just…

ME:
He just what? He joined the Varelsi that blew up our friggin’ star Toby! The guys who killed everyone we knew and cared about!!!?? He’s a traitor and he deserves to die!!! You don’t feel sorry for a guy like that!!!"

TOBY:
Look… I… just… lay off man… I just… I just… I just… I just…

ME:
Well spit it out, badass! You can’t just say some sh*t like that and…

TOBY:
Why don’t you just leave me alone! I hate you! I hate you! You’re the biggest dick on Nova and I hate you!!!

MELLKA:
HEY!!! Lay off the little guy!

REYNA:
Are you messin’ with Toby? What the hell is wrong with you!? Nobody messes with a member of my crew!

MONTANA:
Don’t mess with Toby, man, that’s not cool.

THORN:
You are so cruel.

MIKO:
We do not approve of your cruelty, bird.

GHALT:
Benedict… what the hell’s the matter with you?

MARQUIS:
Despicable peasant!

DEANDE:
What did he ever do to you?

PENDLES:
You keep it up and I’ll stab yer eyes out, Benny.

ME:
Oh… c’mon!!! Did y’all hear the crap he said? And he ain’t defensless… have you seen Berg???

ERNEST:
I told you to lay off of him!

SHANE:
Hey! Don’t mess with Toby, man!

OSCAR MIKE:
Benedict… you are the worst soldier I’ve ever met. Literally the worst.

ALANI:
Why are you always picking on the little guy!?

ME:
Oh… well… is he badass or isn’t he? Make up your minds!

I try to leave… and then Orendi shows up…

ORENDI:
Don’t you EVER mess with Toby!

Jumps on my back. Starts simultaneously strangling me and punching me.

ORENDI:
I WILL RIP OUT YOUR THROAT AND PEEL OFF YOUR SKIN AND USE IT TO DECORATE MY TOBY SHRINE!!!

ME:
Get the… ack… hell… ack… off me you crazy b***h!!!

Toby hurries off and leaves at some point during this. Doesn’t get any satisfaction from seeing me pummeled and is probably humiliated that everyone’s rushing to his defense. And then to top it off, when all is said and done…

ISIC:
Ahahahaha… ahahahaha… That was great, fella. I haven’t laughed that hard in weeks; not since I kicked that kitten into a pool of molten lava. I mean watching you… being a jackass… to a “defenseless little bird” was priceless enough. But then seeing you getting totally reamed for it… ahahahaha ahahahaha… oh… it’s moments like this that keep me from killing you all. You should suffer more often for my amusement to prevent me from exacting horrific revenge on everybody."

Kicks me in the kneecap.

ISIC:
That one wasn’t for Toby. I just super needed to kick someone… and you happened to be nearby. Thanks a billion for helping me out, buddy!

Bottom line…
F**k Toby. Seriously.


ARCHIVED RANT. ORIGINAL POSTS…


8 Likes

Another Toby Rant…


(This is a compilation of multiple rants I rolled into a mega rant.)


Well… I got sh*t again for making fun of Toby.
And I refuse to apologize.
Toby… needs… to… accept… who… he… is… and… stop… letting… other… people… defend… him…
The insults will not stop until his self confidence grows.
I want him to flip me off and say, “Kiss my adorable little black ass.”
Without remorse or regret. That’s all. Is that too much to ask?
Tell you what… I’ll just ignore him. Everything I do seems to make things worse anyway. I won’t speak to him, I won’t acknowledge him…


No, that would be worse… If I ignore him, he’ll think I don’t respect him…
Ok… new plan… I’ll compliment him frequently… I’ll always tell him good job, great job buddy, keep it up…


No, wait, he’ll find that patronizing. Especially coming from me. I insult everybody and he knows it…
Ok, new plan… compliment sandwich… I’ll say something good about him… then I’ll make fun of him… then I’ll say something good about him again…



No… that’ll just make him more insecure. He won’t know if I love him or hate him.

Puzzling continues for some time…

You know what… every great man needs a rival. Someone to grow against… someone to hate… someone to compete with… I’m content to be that rival. Why should I change who I am for his insecurities? He won’t like me no matter what I do anyway. I might as well enjoy that.

And please note… I do not consider him to be my rival. I consider myself to be his rival.
It doesn’t go both ways.

**Also… flipping off to Finisci is pretty much smacking you upside the head. It’s their way of insulting another male before a duel. Which sounds cooler than it is when you realize a Finisci duel is a slapping contest that looks something like this…

image


ARCHIVED RANT. ORIGINAL POSTS…


4 Likes

Yet Another Toby Rant


(I may have been drunk when I wrote this)

Look… Toby’s a great engineer… great at fixing things. Great at building things.
I appreciate that. We’ll NEED those skills to rebuild civilization. What Toby should be doing is settling down with a nice girl, maybe putting on some pants, raising a family, and using those badass engineering skills right now to build the half crazed, war crazy hawks like me freaky ass awesome weapons and shields and sht. When we win the war, and we will win the war, guys like him are gonna be responsible for rebuilding, because the crazy a**holes like me’ll either be dead, or crippled. That’s not depressing, that’s the WHOLE POINT of being a badass on the front lines… Get the crazy, aggressive, half insane, self-absorbed warhawks who you know don’t give a sht out there to scare the f*ck out of your enemies, aggravate them, taunt them, and fill 'em with fear and doubt.

I can do that. That’s my job. I can be an aggravating pain in the ass and enjoy every minute of it. That’s the kind of sh*t you want to see on the front lines.

Which is why it makes me so GDN ANGRY TO HAVE TOBY UP THERE WITH HIS INSECURE BULLS**T!!! I’M TRYIN’ TO FILL THE ENEMY WITH FEAR AND SHOW 'EM WE’RE CRAZY… AND HE’S UP THERE APOLOGIZING AND SAYING… “OH… SORRY!!! I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS!!”

THAT DOESN’T FILL YOUR ENEMIES WITH FEAR!!! THAT MAKES 'EM LAUGH AT HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE!!! THAT’S WHY HE DOESN’T BELONG ON THE FRONT LINES WITH ME!!!

It’d be different if Toby scared our enemies. It’d be different if he was a crazy son of a hen like me! But he’s not! And so I taunt him. I taunt him hard.
Because he either needs to learn to deal and not give a sh*t anymore like me…
Or he needs to be himself and stop idolizing all our UPR propaganda posters! The propaganda posters are there to attract crazy hawks like me, who ain’t got nothin’ left to lose! Those parades and flight formations are just there to make us feel good because we probably won’t live to see tomorrow! Toby has all the potential in the universe and he’s gonna waste it tryin’ to be me… just like my—

Excuse me…


ARCHIVED RANT. ORIGINAL POST…

5 Likes

The Art of Taunting


Taunting… is… an… art.
There was a great aviant commander, thousands of years ago, maybe more, whatever, who wrote this incredible treatise on taunting.
It’s 4,000 pages long, it’s required reading for all aviant military, and it’s glorious.

Page 1953… “On Taunting with the Sun at Your Back, A Mild Southwesterly Breeze in Autumn, Near Nectar Bushes, Atop a Rolling Hill, with Dead to Dying Grass Underfoot and a Groundhog Nearby”

“'Tis best, withinthroughout the aforementioned descriptive labellization, to position thineself directly wherewithin the boundaries of OUR HOLY ORB, EYE OF THE GREAT EAGLE, that thine might appear in such as CROW OF THE OVERWORLD, ASPECT OF THE ORB, HARBINGER OF DEATH. For autumn is the crow’s warning… as described by the holy parchments… of the cold, yet just cleansing. Nectar, libation of the Gods, it’s scent mild upon the soft, caressing southwesterly breeze, invokes the mockingbird’s transformitive energies, allowing thine form to transpose and be THE ASPECT. In that moment thou art no longer soldier or protector. Thou art now the transitory migrant leading the soul of the cleansed to his overlife in the GREAT HOLY NEST, PEXX. Thine duty, as THE ASPECT, should now be clear. Thou shalt slay the rodent and place in thine left claw, the succulent meats: a divine offering. Thou shalt extend the meats to thine fallen adversary so that he might find favor with THE GREAT EAGLE and join his everlasting bretheren within the GREAT HOLY NEST, PEXX. For in death, all hawks are now firehawks, soldiers of the eagle, and regardless of color or clan, will fly in glorious formation, around HIS HOLY EYE, watching over HIS HOLY GARDEN, our home.”

Bad… ass.


ARCHIVED RANT. ORIGINAL POST…

4 Likes

A Hangover on Ekkunar


Benedict wakes up on the floor in a puddle of drool dressed in nothing but a leopard skin loincloth and a viking helmet. Rolls over, bumps into Boldur passed out dressed in a full length red ballgown with makeup smeared all over his face. Groans. Recoils as fast as his sluggish body will take him. Rolls the other way. Bumps into Montana, snoring loudly with a Chakotay style tattoo covering his entire left side from his forehead down to his abs. Attempts to stand up. Falls down. Gets back up. Falls down again. Grabs table leg and attempts to stand up. Sees that they are in a what looks like a temple on Ekkunar, and the place is trashed. There are potatoes everywhere. Idols are smashed. The walls, floor and ceiling are covered in paint. In big red letters, there appears to have been an argument over who was the sexiest god of Solus. Vaguely recalls someone yelling the phrase “Potato fight!” Tries to get to what he thinks is the bathroom. Opens the door. Mellka, Ernest, and Ghalt are standing there and they look pissed.

MELLKA:
Benedict… wake… them… up…

GHALT:
Mellka, maybe you should let me.

Mellka turns and half growls, half hisses at Ghalt. Ghalt immediately shuts up. Ernest peeks in, scans the room, and facepalms. She turns back to Benedict.

MELLKA:
Benedict… wake… them… up… NOW!!!


BOTTOM LINE: Shore leave privileges revoked, med bay self medication privileges revoked, stuck on UPR ration packs for the next 6 months (Yuck. That sh*t tastes like sand). Forced to clean the sanctity room of the Temple of Light from top to bottom with toothbrushes, loincloth and viking helmet confiscated, vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence for a week, if we’re lucky. I hope we’re lucky. Formal charges pressed against us by the Ekkunar council.

BUT… The look on Boldur’s face when he woke up, and Montana’s badass new tattoo, which he loves by the way… priceless. I’m gonna call this a win.


ARCHIVED TALE. ORIGINAL POST…

4 Likes

Mellka’s Revenge


Mellka actually scared the sh*t out of me by coming on the forum to call me out on one of my posts about her. (I stand by everything I said, especially after what she did) Anyway, if you’d like to see our little back and forth, just follow the link at the bottom of this post. What follows here is the aftermath of her bloodthirsty quest for vengeance…


Mellka sits with a cup of coffee on the command deck of Nova having a calm, casual conversation with Thorn, Deande, Phoebe, Marquis, Rath, Kleese, Ghalt, Miko, and Shayne and Aurox over powdered breakfast pastries. Rath seems confused, like he’s never had a casual breakfast before, and keeps stabbing his jelly doughnut with his fork. Shayne keeps chuckling and trying to show him the proper use of utensils.

ENTER BENEDICT - Soaked… armor torn and tattered… covered in bat sh*t… cuts, bruises, and open wounds everywhere… feathers completely disheveled… smells like a dead, um, you know what, pretty much Boldur’s room… and he’s tired, hungry, and PISSED.

MELLKA:
Oh, hey, Benedict! Back from recon huh? Looks like you had a rough time. Man, that sucks. What happened down there? I mean, we lost contact… I think… I dunno… last night’s still a bit hazy… but I know you had it handled right? I mean… you are the most badass rocket hawk in the system right? That’s why we sent you! You clearly had the operation in in your claws. So… uh… report I guess? How’d the reconnaissance mission go? Oh… oh… stay away from the brunch spread. We don’t need you getting whatever that is all over the food, plus you’re still on ration packs from that business on Ekkunar… So… uh… yeah… report!

Mellka grabs a doughnut and takes a big bite. The others watch, either amused, rolling their eyes, or not wanting to say anything. GHALT… you could have said SOMETHING…

BENEDICT:
I… was down there… for 7 hours… in the freezing cold. I… got attacked… by a SWARM… of frost bats. They wrecked my chat device AND my comms unit AND my emergency comms unit… and by the way it is standard procedure to send backup when you lose contact with one of your reconnaissance units, Mellka… and then… they decided to attack me. I was covered in the frigging leeches… they bit the hell out of me… wrecked my armor… tore up my thermal protection… I had to drop from the sky and fire off Boomsday 12 times to kill 'em all, or at least get ‘em to retreat. I struggled for the next 45 minutes to make it back to the rendezvous point. Fired up the emergency transmitter… No Nova. For 3 hours. I had to find a nearby cave, slaughter a damaroghi that nearly ATE ME… crawl in and use it’s body for warmth… those things smell Mellka… which still didn’t work so I had to break open my rockets and use the incendiaries to make a fire. Now out of ammunition. After 3 HOURS… STILL NO NOVA. Check the transmitter… working fine! Check the connection… you should be receiving me! And then the swarmers came, and I’m down there… MELLKA, unarmed… I had to rig the transmitter to blow, use my launcher to beat the remainder off like a club. STILL NO NOVA. 35 MORE MINUTES… A passing garbage scow heading for the UPR colony noticed the explosion and finally came to pick me up. They recognized me. All commented on how they heard I was a jackass, and how it was SO NICE that it was just a rumor and I was SO QUIET for their whole trip. Spent an hour and a half listening to all their stories about what a jackass I am. Finally get them to take me here once their garbage run is done. And I find you guys… with your little brunch… not even caring what happened to ol’ Benedict.

MELLKA:
Yep. Anything else to report?

BENEDICT:
I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I need lots of disinfectant, probably some vaccinations and additional medical attention but I’ll settle for a long shower right now. And… I’m real… real… damned angry.

MELLKA:
Ok… cool… well… you go shower or preen yourself or whatever the hell you do when you’re not wasting time chatting online, or watching old TV shows, or pigging out on junk food… I know about your stash by the way… and yeah… nice report. Oh… and um… great job out there soldier… that’s what you say right? Ghalt? Is that what you guys say?

Benedict, trembling with rage walks towards the door. Enter Ernest, Montana, Galilea ,and Oscar Mike.

ERNEST:
OH HERE YOU ARE!!! Look who was too good to bother showing up for my mandatory exercise regiment AGAIN recruits. Benedict… I swear to the Great Eagle if you don’t get your act…

Looks at me.

ERNEST:
What the hell happened to you?

I shove him out of the way.

BENEDICT:
Ghalt… I’m grabbing several gallons of disinfectant and wound sealant from the med bay, and I better not hear any BULLSH*T ABOUT MY SELF MEDICATION PRIVILEGES BEING REVOKED!!!

I storm out.

ERNEST:
(To Mellka)
What the hell happened to him?

Mellka gives him her most sarcastic, sadistic smile and grabs for another pastry. Finds the box is empty.

MELLKA:
Oh, g*ddammit Kleese!


ARCHIVED TALE. ORIGINAL POST, AND CONVERSATION WITH @MellkaHyentota

4 Likes

A Conversation with Kelvin


BENEDICT:
Hey, Kelvin! How you doin’? We never talk!

Kelvin immediately puts up an ice wall, sublimates, and disappears.

BENEDICT:
Ok… yeah… good chat, buddy. Um… Kelvin… your wall’s blockin’ the way to the mess hall. Kelvin? KELVIN!!


ARCHIVED TALE. ORIGINAL POST…

3 Likes

Benedict’s Chain E-mail to the Other Battleborn After Viewing Randy Pitchford’s Performance at PAX West


Just watched the feed.
Yep. Guitars are dead to me now.
Hey Montana? You get that thing I sent you?

MONTANA:
WHY IN THE HELL DIDN’T HE JUST USE MY THEME SONG!!??

ME:
I know, right!

KLEESE:
Oh, please…

MONTANA:
What’s wrong with my theme song!?

ISIC:
Oh, you poor unfortunate man. You really don’t know, do you? Marquis, should I rip away his treasured childlike fantasy world, or should I leave him in blissful ignorance?

MARQUIS:
Tear him to pieces like a debt wielding undergrad with a major in pottery!

ISIC:
Will do, thanks for the advice buddy! Alrighty then, you heard the gentlebot, time to send you my 180 page thesis detailing all the problems with your, quote, musical composition, end quote, coupled with observations and logical assumptions about your physical, emotional, and character flaws and how I believe those factors contributed to the pathetic and unbearable cry for help that is your theme song! Aaaaannnndddd… sent! Be sure to check your e-mail buddy!

MONTANA:
Nope. Deleted.

PHOEBE:
I think we’re all ignoring the real issue here, and that issue is Randy Pitchford’s musical performance at PAX West. I would like to open a line of inquiry so that we might hypothesize…

KLEESE:
Oh, it was just a damn terrible idea! It’s not Varelsi science, Phoebe!

BOLDUR:
Boldur is master of Varelsi science!

MELLKA:
Boldur… ugh… you’re not… ugh… Hey, Boldur… what did you think of the song?

BOLDUR:
Boldur is having trouble checking his e-mail! Little triangle has popped up saying “No Internet!” Little triangle is evil gremlin preventing Boldur from conducting important social interactions with new friends!

THORN:
Did you check the cable?

BOLDUR:
Boldur has checked cable! Boldur has checked Nova’s transmitter! Boldur has tried troubleshooting, but all troubleshooting manuals are on Internet! Is sad day for Eldrid science.

THORN:
I will be in shortly.

KLEESE:
Oh fantastic. It’ll be like the blind leading Helen Keller…

MELLKA:
Hey, Thorn, did you see the video?

Thorn sends everyone an animated GIF of her rolling her eyes.

MELLKA
Yep.

THORN:
I know how a computer works, Kleese.

KLEESE:
Oh, yes… yes… sure you do! ME PUSH BUTTON AND PICTURES APPEAR!!! Be careful Thorn, You don’t want the webcam to steal your soul!

Thorn sends everyone an animated GIF of drool dribbling from Kleese’s mouth while napping in his battle throne.

KLEESE:
Oh, ha, ha, very funny.

TOBY:
Hey… I kind of liked the song!

Complete silence.

TOBY:
No, I’m just kidding… it was f@(%(##*$$)@#$^@+=_>$^>#@#^#%@$@@$#^&#%& ass!!!

REYNA:
Don’t scare us like that, Toby.

TOBY:
Sorry. I thought it’d be really funny. It wasn’t. I was out of line. Sorry.

RATH:
WHO IN THE HELL SENT ME THIS!!!???

DEANDE:
I did… what do you think?

RATH:
I will murder someone’s corpse for this!!!

CALDARIUS:
Ugh… It’s like he’s completely tone deaf.

ISIC:
And to think, I was this close to punching him in the face. Thanks a billion, a**holes!

DEANDE:
So I think we’re pretty much in agreement here that the song was a mistake?

MIKO:
We have heard it, we can not unhear it.

GHALT:
WHO IN THE HELL SENT ME THIS, AND WHY!!??

ERNEST:
I just traced it back to… oh surprise, surprise. Benedict started the e-mail chain. Really, Benedict, you had nothing better to do?

I send him “Two Girls, One Cup.”

ERNEST:
Now what in the hell is this…

Moments later.

ERNEST:
BENEDICT, YOU FOUL SON OF A HEN!!!

MONTANA:
Ha! I get it! That was a good one!

ALANI:
Ugh… It sounds sooooo bad…

SHAYNE:
Meme time!

ORENDI:
ALL GUITARS MUST DIE!!!

SHAYNE:
So many memes, so little time!

AUROX:
Ugh… she’s making a dubstep remix! SHE’S MAKING A DUBSTEP REMIX!!! SOMEONE!!! ANYONE!!! PLEASE!!! HEEEELP MEEEEEEE!!!

SHAYNE:
Nobody likes a bigot, wub wub wub wub, unless he’s cryin’, dawwww… wub wub wub didididididi…

AUROX:
NOOOOOOO!!! STOP!!! PLEASE!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!

Giant angry sobs of anguish ensue. We all sort of silently just shut the doors to our quarters…


ARCHIVED TALE. ORIGINAL POST…

5 Likes

Benedict’s Photo Album


(I was definitely drunk when I wrote this. These aren’t even pictures of me… this is just some sh*t I found on Wikipedia. Uh… Maybe just ignore this post altogether? I was really… really… really drunk…)


I love lookin’ at pictures of me!
I’ve always been sexy even when I was a hatchling!
Not that… you know… hatchlings are sexy… that’d be weird, but…
Aw hell, here’s a baby picture!

There’s baby Benedict, fresh out of the nest… ready for his first day of school… soon to become the handsome teen heartthrob featured here…

image

Mmmm… look at that… look at that… it’s ok to say this one’s sexy because I was technically capable of fathering children. I know, I know, you’re not supposed to, but everyone does it once at that age… Or at least… I would’ve… if… uh… if I’d known Circinae then. She was my… uh… she was the only girl for me… Uh… OH… HERE’S MY PICTURE FROM WHEN I WAS DRAFTED INTO THE MSBC!!!

image

Man! I look awesome! Well preened. All ready for battle! Ready to fight and die for my people! My brood was so proud. They all held me a little party before I went to fight the Varelsi… All thought I could… I could take on the whole bunch of 'em by myself… I couldn’t tell 'em… not when Wisp gave me a little wood carving of daddy… decked out with medals… “Hero of Madan” carved into it… I mean… I was just a rocket hawk… front line… scared as hell… and… they… made me feel like…




HEY CHECK THIS SH*T OUT!!!

IT’S A ROCKET LAUNCHER THAT SHOOTS F#CKING BEES AT YOU!!!
I F#CKING WANT ONE!!!
I F#CKING WANT ONE OF THESE!!!
I F#CKING WANT ONE OF THESE F#CKING THINGS!!!
F#CK THE VARELSI, F#CK 'EM ALL!!! I’M THE MOTHERF#CKING CROW OF THE OVERWORLD, ASPECT OF THE ORB, HARBINGER OF DEATH COMING TO SHEPHERD THEIR UGLY ASSES TO THE F#CKING ETERNAL FEEDING GROUNDS WHERE I’LL PECK OUT THEIR F#CKING EYES FOR ETERNITY AS VENGEANCE FOR BLOWING UP MY F#CKING STAR!!! STAR EATING A##HOLES!!! F#CK YOU!!! I’M GONNA BLOW YOUR FACES OFF!!! WITH THE F#CKING BEES!!! AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE GREAT EAGLE… WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!!! F#CK YOU!!!


ARCHIVED RANT. ORIGINAL POST…

3 Likes

Foxy Foxtrot Skin


A loud click, followed by threatening mumbles.

Uh… yeah… hi… uh… oh come on… get that damn thing out of my face while I’m…

A loud tap against flesh.

OW!!! Alright! Alright! Uh… Benedict here… uh… I… uh… have a special request to make… on behalf of… uh… myself… and not at all on behalf of a certain someone who refuses to come on this forum himself…

A loud thud followed by labored breating. Narrative continues slightly out of breath.

Uh… I think…

Another tap against flesh.

DAMMIT STOP THAT!!!

More mumbling, followed by a sigh.

I… demand… a Foxy Foxtrot skin. Whiskey Foxtrot needs to enter the battlefield with fox ears, and a fox nose, and a furry fox suit, complete with a tail. This is a NEED.

Yet another tap against flesh.

A… a demand… not a need… a demand… Great Eagle, dude… why would I want to see anyone in a furry suit?

Even more mumbling.

G#DDAMMIT WHISKEY I’M GETTING TO THE “WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY” TAUNT!!! WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU EVEN WANT THIS!!!??? WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU DEMANDING THAT I SAY THIS FOR YOU!!!??? DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THESE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT MY DEMANDS? JUST ASK YOURSELF AND GET THAT DAMN THING OUT OF MY FACE!!! AS IF YOU’RE REALLY GONNA SHOOT—

Loud gunshot, followed by an explosion.

A long pause.

Nice. Real nice Whiskey. You blew up my can of Dust Destroyer.

Inhuman groan.

And that’s what you get for wavin’ a gun in my face and makin’ crazy requests.

Angry mumbling.

Get your own damn first aid! I didn’t invite you in here, and my self-medication privileges were revoked!

Angry moaning.

You explain to Miko and Alani how you got that plastic straw jammed in your eye. Friggin’… mutant… askin’ me to ask for weird fetish taunts…


ARCHIVED TALE. ORIGINAL POST + EPIC ANIMATED GIF BATTLE BY OTHER FORUM USERS…

4 Likes

Foxy Foxtrot Skin: Deande’s Story


The following is the story Deande told us after I spread the news about Whiskey’s awkward request.


DEANDE (Over the Intercom):
Good morning everyone. I trust you all had a good night’s sleep. Before I give you today’s Battleplan, I feel the need to address some, rather scurrilous rumors going around involving Whiskey Foxtrot and… um… myself. A certain loudmouthed Aviant who shall remain nameless…

ME:
It was me! Benedict! C’mon I ain’t ashamed! You can tell everyone who the hero was who had the original dirt and video evidence of Whiskey Foxtrot’s weird obsession!

DEANDE:
Benedict…

ME:
WOOOOOOO!!! EVERYBODY GIVE A CHEER FOR ME!!!

DEANDE:
BENEDICT, SHUT THE FCK UP!!! I’M TWO DECKS UP ON THE BRIDGE!!! I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU!!! GRANTED THE WALLS ON THIS SHT SHIP ARE PAPER THIN, BUT…

Everyone looks in shock at the intercom.

DEANDE:
Ahem… excuse me. That was… unbecoming of a Jennerit spymistress. Anyway… A certain rumor has been going around that Whiskey, and by extension myself, are into some… uh… pretty freaky things. Well, I’d like to put that rumor to rest and explain exactly why it’s not really freaky, but actually kind of sweet, from a certain point of view. You see… Whiskey and I were watching an old documentary last week about the wildlife that used to parade around on planet Earth. At one point, the documentary showed some baby foxes, and all I said was, “Oh, I love foxes. They’re so cute.” Because there were baby foxes on the screen, and not for any unseemly reason; to which Whiskey replied, “Really? Huh.” Now, I didn’t think anything more of it, but apparently, he took that as a hint about my… romantic preferences and decided to take it upon himself to fulfill his perception of… what he perceived to be my fantasies. He meant well, but you know Whiskey, he doesn’t always pick up on the… uh… social nuances and appropriate behavior. So, he decided to call on… sigh Benedict…

ME:
Woooooooooooooooooo!!!

DEANDE:
Ugh… Whiskey decided to get Benedict to request a Fox skin for himself because he figured the bird owed him a favor for annoying him with that pistachio shell, and Benedict is active on the internet through that… transdimensional communications singularity thingy that ISIC opened a few months back.

ISIC: (Laughing)
I really wish you guys would’ve let me finish! We would’ve been able to walk into the real world and slay our brutal overlords for making our lives a living agony!

DEANDE: (Through gritted teeth)
Back on topic… He went to Benedict with the sweetest of intentions. He just… took it a bit too far. It’s not his fault, he just doesn’t pick up on social nuances! It was all a misunderstanding! He just wanted to make me happy and he didn’t realize that his actions were… well… disproportionate to my original remark and my actual wishes. Therefore, I would appreciate it if everyone would please stop walking up to me while singing that annoying tune…

KLEESE: (Through the intercom)
Hey Deande! I just heard the news! Hey… everyone… join in with me in three… two… one…

DEANDE:
Kleese NO!!!

KLEESE: (Singing)
What does the fox say?

EVERYONE:
Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding! Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

DEANDE:
OH!!! F*CK YOU ALL!!!

9 Likes

Oscar Mike Tries to Hire Pendles


Mess hall. Lunch time. Oscar Mike approaches Pendles holding a green tray loaded with UPR rations. Pendles has some kind of fancy looking lizard eggs on a crystal plate loaded with apple encrusted armadillo and some kind of blood wine in a crystal goblet. He clearly just completed a major contract and is showing off.

OSCAR MIKE:
(Loudly and slightly robotic.)
Hello Pendles. How are you fellow Varelsi hunter? Do you mind if I sit here next to you and have a normal, casual conversation just like anyone else would with a fellow soldier at chow time?

PENDLES:
(Sporting a broad grin as he reaches for his wine)
Of course, si’down my friend. Would ya like some armadillo? It’s quite good. I imported it from the outback of Ekkunar. Expensive. But, very, very worth it. Mmmm…

OSCAR MIKE:
Uh… no thanks. I prefer the UPR ration packs.

Oscar glances around quickly.

OSCAR MIKE:
(In a quieter tone)
I have a job for you.

PENDLES:
I see… ya want me to give someone the ol’ one, two special eh? Who is it? Cap’n Ghalt rub ya the wrong way? Galilea gettin’ to be a bit much? Ernest ridin’ yer ass too hard? Gotta say, I don’t envy yer 4:30 AM workout sessions.

OSCAR MIKE:
Uh… No… I get along just fine with all those guys… it’s… uh… it’s not any of them.

PENDLES:
Well out with it, whod’ya want killed?

Oscar Mike glances around again.

OSCAR MKE:
Benedict.

PENDLES
What? Ol’ Benny? What the hell ya want him dead for?

OSCAR MIKE:
Shh… keep it down. Montana can’t know. He likes the guy, and he’d never forgive me if he found out I murdered him. That’s why I need you.

PENDLES:
Ohhhh kay… so what’d he do to ya?

OSCAR MIKE:
He knows things. He knows that I’m a…
(Loud whisper)
Clone… He knows and I’m afraid he’s gonna spill the beans. He’s a huge loudmouth and he’s already using clone slurs around me like, “copy boy,” and “test tube baby.” It’s only a matter of time before everybody else catches on… I can’t have that. I can’t have the rest of the guys find out.

PENDLES:
Right… ok then… Listen… I’d love to help ya… but… Benny… Benny’s a special case. I don’t really like the guy either, but as far as my services are concerned… he’s off limits.

OSCAR MIKE:
C’mon man! You’re supposed to be the best executioner in the galaxy! And you’re scared of a loudmouthed bird??? You could rip him apart like a Christmas goose! Like a Thanksgiving turkey! Like a chicken dinner! Like a roasted pheasant! Like a… a… a… um… like an emu burger! WHY CAN’T YOU KILL THIS GUY FOR ME???

PENDLES:
Let’s just say… Benny’s sufferin’ more right now just bein’ Benny. Ya ain’t seen him the way I seen 'im. Ya ain’t seen 'im at rock bottom. And I can tell ya right now… when ya really understand, and I mean really understand the demons of another man’s soul, well, ya just can’t bring yerself to put ‘im down. Especially not when he owes ya money. Or a round of drinks. I never DID GET PAID FOR THAT LIT’L FAVOR I DID YA BENNY!!! That’s why I always ask for a contract. Besides, yer bein’ a clone ain’t exactly a secre—

OSCAR MIKE:
I AM NOT A CLONE!!!

BENEDICT:
You guys know we can hear you right?

Benedict calls from the next table over just a couple feet away. He’s sitting with Montana, Boldur, and El Dragón, who are all staring at Oscar Mike.

MONTANA:
Oscar, c’mon man, don’t put a hit out on Benny, that’s not cool…

Oscar Mike cloaks and runs out, only to reenter 5 minutes later.

OSCAR MIKE:
(Calling out)
HEY EVERYONE! Sorry I’m late for chow time! I got held up… in the… er… bathroom. Important business. Anyway… oh, have any of you guys seen my identical twin brother Josh around? He looks just like me… same armor and everything. Let me know if you see him ok? Ah… Montana… there you are! With Boldur, El Dragón, and Big Bird’s mentally handicapped brother in law! How are you all doing, especially you, winged jackass, whom I totally don’t want to kill?

BENEDICT:
Go f*ck yourself copy boy.

OSCAR MIKE:
I AM NOT A CLONE!!!


ARCHIVED TALE. ORIGINAL POST…

5 Likes

Ohhhh, man. Benedict, ya crazy bird, these are just gold. Keep us updated on all the dirt!

Oh my god, he gathered all of his insane ramblings into one thread?! All of the madness in ONE THREAD?! Oh no, oh no, oh no…

I’ve got to hide. I’ve got to find a place where he’ll never find me. I must stay sane. I must stay safe. I must bury the toaster in a secret place so the cheese will never find it!

Oh god, it’s already starting!

hides

6 Likes

ISIC: Hey, champ! I couldn’t help reading your digital qualms with Toby through my neural interface with Nova’s computer network. Here’s something to cheer you up:

Toby will be getting his own DLC story mission… and you won’t!

Ahahahaha! Doesn’t that make you just want to die with laughter? No? -sigh- Oh, well; I guess i’ll have to use this belt-sander after all… Until then, here’s a consolation prize! Turn around… Now!

-Benedict turns around, and ISIC’s “disembodied” legs kick Benedict in the kneecap-

Ahahaha; i TOLD you guys i could kick your asses remotely.

4 Likes

Hey, @JoeKGBX, I want to officially nominate @Benedict_87 for a community spotlight one of these weeks. Lol. His imagination keeps me glued to the forums nearly as much as the battle plans! Throw a proverbial bone to the rocket hawk already!

7 Likes

I´d be on board for Benny as Community Badass. I hated Benedict, but @Benedict_87 ´s posts changed that entirely :heart:

2 Likes

Second.

1 Like

(In Scruffy’s voice from Futurama) …Second.

2 Likes

image

2 Likes