Toby’s Double Standard
(This is a compilation of multiple rants I rolled into a mega rant.)
I am so sick of the double standard with Toby.
You’re either a badass… or you aren’t.
Everyone treats him like an adorable cute little guy, but he hates being adorable.
Soooo… I try to treat him like I treat everyone else… and I’m the a**hole picking on poor little Toby.
I just can’t win with this…
Is he a badass, and should I treat him like a badass, or is he an adorable little guy I should smother with kindness like a puppy!!??
This is the most frustrating battle I’ve ever fought!
Worse than being stuck on a team of level 3’s in Incursion, hell worse than losing my home star!!!
At least those battles had clearly defined rules!!
With Toby… there ARE NO RULES!!!
All the other Battleborn say he’s cute all the time and talk about what a poor little guy or a nice little guy he is, which is not badass, and is actually offensive to Toby since he hates being called cute. And yet, in spite of THE WORDS THAT JUST CAME OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS, they tell me I can’t call him cute! I have to treat him like a badass! Right after they just contradicted his badassery! They’re treating him like he can’t defend himself when he built his own FRIGGIN’ badass mech! (Yeah, I admit it, Berg is badass!)
So… ok… I’ll treat him like a badass.
Except he doesn’t behave like a badass. He acts all insecure and sh*t.
I can’t win a conversation if the rules keep changing!!
So what the hell!!??
Here’s a typical conversation…
Hey, Toby… You want to get a beer sometime?
Uh… no… I don’t drink.
Ok… fine not your thing. Plenty of sober badasses out there. So… I saw you blow the face off that thrall last mission… that was an awesome facesplosion man.
Oh… I feel so bad about it though. I’m sure he was a nice guy underneath somewhere. Probably had a family too.
He was a thrall Toby. He was trying to kill you. He was a servant of Rendain. The guy we all hate.
I know. I feel so bad for him. He’s totally given up. He thinks that’s the only way of saving his people. And now we have to murder him for it. I mean… he’s a bad guy and all… but it’s hard not to empathize with him just a little.
EMPATHIZE!!??? HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU EMPATHIZE WITH A SNAKE LIKE RENDAIN!!?? WHAT THE HELL, MAN!!???
Well, I… um… he’s… I’m sure… I don’t like him… he just…
He just what? He joined the Varelsi that blew up our friggin’ star Toby! The guys who killed everyone we knew and cared about!!!?? He’s a traitor and he deserves to die!!! You don’t feel sorry for a guy like that!!!"
Look… I… just… lay off man… I just… I just… I just… I just…
Well spit it out, badass! You can’t just say some sh*t like that and…
Why don’t you just leave me alone! I hate you! I hate you! You’re the biggest dick on Nova and I hate you!!!
HEY!!! Lay off the little guy!
Are you messin’ with Toby? What the hell is wrong with you!? Nobody messes with a member of my crew!
Don’t mess with Toby, man, that’s not cool.
You are so cruel.
We do not approve of your cruelty, bird.
Benedict… what the hell’s the matter with you?
What did he ever do to you?
You keep it up and I’ll stab yer eyes out, Benny.
Oh… c’mon!!! Did y’all hear the crap he said? And he ain’t defensless… have you seen Berg???
I told you to lay off of him!
Hey! Don’t mess with Toby, man!
Benedict… you are the worst soldier I’ve ever met. Literally the worst.
Why are you always picking on the little guy!?
Oh… well… is he badass or isn’t he? Make up your minds!
I try to leave… and then Orendi shows up…
Don’t you EVER mess with Toby!
Jumps on my back. Starts simultaneously strangling me and punching me.
I WILL RIP OUT YOUR THROAT AND PEEL OFF YOUR SKIN AND USE IT TO DECORATE MY TOBY SHRINE!!!
Get the… ack… hell… ack… off me you crazy b***h!!!
Toby hurries off and leaves at some point during this. Doesn’t get any satisfaction from seeing me pummeled and is probably humiliated that everyone’s rushing to his defense. And then to top it off, when all is said and done…
Ahahahaha… ahahahaha… That was great, fella. I haven’t laughed that hard in weeks; not since I kicked that kitten into a pool of molten lava. I mean watching you… being a jackass… to a “defenseless little bird” was priceless enough. But then seeing you getting totally reamed for it… ahahahaha ahahahaha… oh… it’s moments like this that keep me from killing you all. You should suffer more often for my amusement to prevent me from exacting horrific revenge on everybody."
Kicks me in the kneecap.
That one wasn’t for Toby. I just super needed to kick someone… and you happened to be nearby. Thanks a billion for helping me out, buddy!
F**k Toby. Seriously.
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