Benny's Battleborn Tales

(Pissed-Off Eldrid) #61

Back off, bird. She’s mine!

(psykerx) #62

BRB, making popcorn

(Penguin connoisseur.) #63

Eden, is that you? I find it a little stange that the ONE user with Mellka’s name just happens to be there to say that… Especially since it’s no secret that Melka’s her favorite. COME CLEAN!!

…Or don’t; it’s kind of cooler that way.

(Gone off comms, will update this when i feel like) #64

never ask a lady to tell! much better with a little mystery

(Penguin connoisseur.) #65

No thanks, i saw The Hangover 2, so i know EXACTLY what you get with “mysterious women”.

(Whispering): Psst; a penis!

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #66

Now now, Mellka. You ain’t got any need to be jealous.
I have it on good authority she hates me. In fact…

She said it herself.
But… since we’re on the topic… I wasn’t kidding when I said I love ALL you guys.
I do love ALL you guys.
Even you Mellka.
Even you.

(The Art of the Foxtrot) #67

Whiskey Foxtrot yells while standing uncomfortably close to you


(The Red Bar Observer) #68

Okay, I think you’re confused.

This is Mellka:

This is me:

No similarity whatsoever.

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #69

Yeah… I’m gonna link to a picture someone drew of me a while back… because… it pretty much sums up my reaction to this perfectly.[quote=“Nema, post:39, topic:1515597, full:true”]


(Natsume Ryu) #70

Man, I knew there was a reason I was putting off finishing this thread. Reaching the end is far worse than sitting in misery wondering what tale will be next. Now I must sit in misery not knowing when the next tale will be.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #71

Miko After Midnight

Let me preface this by saying… Miko… was… WAS… my favorite healer. I know, I know, it said it hated me… for the MOST RIDICULOUS REASON… but… I loved that fungi girl. Until now…

2:45 AM.
Deck 5, Corridor 5E
Benedict walks groggily from the mess hall with a cup of extra strong UPR coffee ration made from about 12 packets of UPR instant coffee. Because yeah… it really is that weak and terrible. He sticks his tongue in and tastes it. He grimaces, but knows he’ll manage to gulp it down somehow. He really hopes Ghalt doesn’t care about his caffeine intake. He dips his beak in for a full gulp as he makes his way up the corridor towards the elevator.

2:47 AM
Deck 5, Corridor 5B
Benedict grimaces some more at the taste of the coffee. The elevator door slides open. Benedict hears a gasp. He looks down. Looks like he’s not the only night owl. He grumbles.

For the love of the Great Eagle, tell me you didn’t back up the toilets again.

N-NO!!! I… I didn’t… I was… I was…


Listen… uh… uh… BENEDICK…

Oh, relax. Everyone knows. I don’t even know why you try hidin’ it. Besides… I am like… way too tired to make fun of you right now. I haven’t slept in like a week.

Yeah… and… that’s really helping isn’t it?

He motions towards Benedict’s coffee. Benedict pushes the button for Deck 3. The door slides shut.

Look Toby… I’m a pretty straightforward guy. I don’t like grey areas. I can handle being asleep, or being awake, but not this sleepless night sh*t. So… since a nice, good night’s rest ain’t exactly an option… I’ll settle for being awake.

Y-y’know they make pills for that right?

BENEDICT: (Snappier than he meant to be)
Yeah… and that’s just what I need. Everyone ridin’ my beautiful ass because I’m taking sleeping pills. Oh yeah… now the alcoholic’s gettin’ his kicks from abusing prescription sleep aids…

Yeah, well… it’s not like I give the slightest sh*t what happens to you.

Right back’atcha! Although… just so you’re aware, they also make pills for incontinence.

No they don’t.

The door slides open.

Yeah they do. Safe for Aviant consumption too. LLC started makin’ 'em about a year ago.


They last a full sleep cycle, but oh, man, when you get up in the morning, prepare for the biggest sh*t of your life.

And you would know this… how?

Facebird. People share WAAAAAYYYY too much about themselves. My friend Phoebe’s into ‘em. No relation to… well… Battleborn Phoebe. Let’s call her Aviant Phoebe. Anyway… there’s apparently this whole movement thing among the younger generation to… get back to nature, and away from pants. It’s gross. The LLC’s been marketin’ ‘em as an “ancient Eldrid herbal supplement,” but there ain’t nothin’ ancient, Eldrid, or herbal about 'em. They’re made in a f**king lab. But… people are dumb…

Yeah, well, that’s just what I need… everyone saying, “Awwwww… poor little guy! He’s still pooping the bed!” By the way, f**k you for telling everyone Benedick!

Yeah, well, goodnight. Don’t let the shame sheets bite.

Benedict starts towards his quarters.

Hey… wait… uh… maybe… uh… maybe we could help… each other…

Benedict snickers to himself.

Yeah… right. With what?

Well… uh… you don’t want people to think you’re a drug addict trying to get sleeping pills, right? Well, I don’t want people finding out I’m still pooping the bed! But… sleeping pills… they won’t be as f**king condescending with their cooing over that! And for incontinence… well… you can just say you’re trying some new age meditation or something and trying to get back to nature! If anything that makes you look less like a drug addict! Like you’re really trying to turn around your life!

Benedict thinks for a moment.

Uh-huh. Interesting. But how do I know I can trust you?

Well, how do I know I can trust you? You’re the f**king loudmouth here!

2:56 AM
Deck 4, Corridor 4 B
The elevator door slides open.

…know, maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all… I mean, my self medication privileges were revoked. They might not even give me the incontinence pills…

They start walking towards the medical bay.

Oh. Ok… so… uh… I guess… uh… you’re… uh… a chicken then? Right?

Benedict glares at Toby. He leans down directly into his face. Toby starts trembling.

Uh… well… uh, uh… you know… I uh… s-sor—

BENEDICT: (Rolling his eyes and standing back up)
Toby, seriously? Just 'cuz I get in your face you’re gonna apologize?

They continue down the hall.

I wasn’t apologizing.

Mmm hmm.

No, I wasn’t. Really! I wasn’t intimidated at all! You’re… you’re… you’re a chicken!!! Ahahahahaha… ha ha… ha… uh…

BENEDICT: (Half paying attention as he hears faint noise from the med bay)
Mmm hmm…

2:59 AM
Deck 4, Corridor 4 G
Benedict and Toby can hear voices in the medical bay. A lot of voices.

What the hell is going on in there…

You think someone’s hurt?

Naw, naw… everybody came back fine from their missions today. I don’t know why… Aw hell…


I’ll bet they’re havin’ another party without me.


Benedict listens to the voices. He can’t make them out, but there’s a great deal of enthusiasm and excitement.

Son of a b**ch… they’re havin’ another party without me.

But… but… that’s crazy! When they do their secret parties and don’t invite you they always invite me!

Benedict glares at Toby again.

Not that… we… uh… do that often… we just… Sometimes on Thursdays we just…

Lesson in badassery number 545 Toby. When you’re not invited to the party… you come anyway.

Oh… but…

With rockets.

Toby gets a weird look in his eyes.

So… you’re saying we should… crash the party? And make those f*ckers pay for not inviting us! I-I-I-I YEAH!!! I’m a badass dammit! I should be invited to the damn parties! Why are they singling me out!? Why can’t I go to the fun parties! You can’t tell me whether or not to come to the damn party!!

Alright… maybe calm down buddy…

Let’s blow 'em up! All of 'em! They’ll pay for not inviting TOBY THE DESTROYER to their f**king party! I’m a badass dammit!!! WHO THE HELL ARE THEY TO NOT INVITE ME TO THE PARTY!!!

Toby, Toby… sshhhh… calm down buddy.

TOBY: (Excited)
Here, I brought my tool bag…

He sets his man purse down on the deck. Oh… sorry… “shoulder bag.” It’s black with a big skull on it.

I’ve got enough mines too…

BENEDICT: (Grabbing his flipper)
Toby… Great Eagle… stop! We don’t need to kill 'em. We just need to let 'em know we aren’t gonna stand by and let 'em disrespect us. C’mon. On my signal, we’ll strut in and show 'em who’s boss.

TOBY: (Quietly)
Oh… Ok. I get it! I see! So I’ll set the mines for a minimal explosive charge…

BENEDICT: (Hissing)
NO MINES!! Enough with the mines! What is wrong with you!? Haven’t you ever crashed a party before? Just strut in and make yourself as insufferable as possible! Double dip the chips, interrupt the conversations, spill drinks on 'em. Make sure THEY KNOW you’re offended that you weren’t invited! That way they’ll be SURE to invite you next time!

What about a microexplosive in the punch bowl… we could spray everybody with juice!!!

TOBY… That’s… that’s actually not bad. Give me a signal before you do it, though… ok… I wanna duck and cover.

3:04 AM
Deck 4, Corridor 4 J
Toby and Benedict walk towards the med bay. Toby is setting the charge on several microexplosives. Benedict can hear Pendles and Miko clearly now. He can’t recognize the other voices though. There is applause.

BENEDICT: (Hissing)
Of course it’s Pendles. That son of a b**ch… Oh… I’ll get his snake ass good.

TOBY: (Whispering)
The mines are set for a 3 second delay. We have 3 seconds to duck before the punch bowl explodes…

Toby and Benedict stop just outside the door. They can make out what everyone is saying now. They stop and listen for a second.

…amazing Miko!!! Ladies n’ gentlemen… Miko… the greatest Eldrid healer of all time! Just 5.06 seconds to cure the nasty li’l slit I put in this mark’s throat!

BENEDICT: (Whispering)
Miko’s doing magic tricks…

Too bad my client… yeah… that’s you Axillom! Raise yer hands up! Has a contract for DEAD, NOT ALIVE!!!

Whimpering is heard, then a gargling sound as Pendles embeds his kama in the poor guy’s throat.

That’s another… EXECUTIVE… execution ladies n’ gentlemen.

Clapping and cheering are heard.

Alright… now!

Benedict holds him back.

Wait a minute… I’m not so sure they’re havin’ a party now. Do you honestly think the other guys would be clapping for Pendles executing somebody?

Well, I would. And Aurox would. And Rath might. And…

Ghalt, Mellka, Reyna…

Reyna might…

Toby… would Montana be ok with it? I can see me not gettin’ invited. Hell, I can even see you not gettin’ invited. But Montana? No… somethin’ else is going on.

Benedict peeks around the corner. Toby follows shortly after. Pendles is performing his creepy snake dance around the corpse of the dead man. Miko stands nearby tapping it’s foot… thing… to the music. Before them sits a holographic audience, cheering and applauding. Pendles finishes his dance, strikes a pose, and pulls out a tablet.

Alright, everybody! I’ve got yer bets here! Melllachasteen! What the bloody hell were ya thinkin’? 15 seconds? FOR THE AMAZING MIKO??? Ya just threw away yer money buddy! Oi… but Cilla X, ya came awful close with 5:03!

An octopus looking hologram with a face that’s half robotic, half covered in half spikes, blows a kiss to Pendles.

Unfortunately… as much as I love ya… that ain’t the winnin’ bet! The winnin’ bet goes to… I’ra’xiilll’zzaaaazzzzz!!!

A swarm of… uh… bees? Wasps? I dunno… they have like bunny rabbit faces with fangs and stingers… buzzes around excitedly. Thank the Great Eagle they’re holograms. I never wanna run into those things, ever.

I’ra’xiilll’zzazz takes the pot! Minus… of course… a generous 20% take for the house!

Pendles transfers the winnings to I’ra’xiilll’zzazz.

Alright! Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite bets o’ the night! That’s right… it’s BATTLEBETTIN’!!! Couple weeks back ya’ll took bets on whether BENEDICT would LIVE OR DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING!!! AND ALL OF YA BET AGAINST THE HOUSE!!! Well… looks like all of ya underestimated the amazing Miko!

Miko cackles, performs a little dance, then flashes some shards and credits.

Or maybe, we just underestimated how much ya HATED that WINGED DRUNK!!!

Laughter and applause from the audience.

Maybe we won’t be so hell bent on savin’ 'is ass next time!

Miko makes a throat slitting gesture. There is more cheering and applause.

But Benny ain’t the only one yer interested in! Last week we brought ya even more excitement! Could the amazing Miko reattach Montana’s severed leg? How long would it take to cure Thorn’s nasty case of the Philleebian virus!!! An on the more… tabloid side of things… How many hemorrhoids did Reyna have? How long did it take to cure 'em? How big were they? And the artists challenge… turning Reyna’s hemorrhoids into a recognizable work of art in less than 5 minutes with hard light holograms!

Toby looks up at Benedict in shock.

She… she was really upset about that… she was terrified someone would find out… she thought… she thought Miko…

BENEDICT: (Grumbling and PISSED)
Doctor/patient confidentiality my ass…

So this week, we don’t wanna disappoint! We’ll start with Boldur’s medical history! How dirty is’e really? The answers might surprise ya!

Shhhhhh… do not give them any hints! We do not want to give anyone an… unfair advantage.

The audience snickers.

Alright… alright Miko! Yer the amazing healer here! No unfair advantages people! Also tonight… we’ve got Ghalt’s secret “hero wound.” Where’s it at? What’s it shaped like? Does it affect 'is… uh… sexual potency? Betting is now open! Plus… as always… countdown to incontinence! How long before Kleese is FORCED to wear adult diapers!

ISIC: (Sneaking in from the back of the room)
Ahahahaha!!! Oh you… you know how I’m betting on this. But don’t let that stop you! Remember… quadruple winnings if you can outsmart the Magnus!

Toby and Benedict lean back and look at each other in shock.

Oh God… Reyna’s gonna be pissed!

You really gonna tell her about this?

Are you really not gonna tell Ghalt about this?

Like you said. I’m the f**king loudmouth here. I’ll make sure everyone knows.

(Penguin connoisseur.) #72

As Toby: YOU SON OF A MOLTING HEN, YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY INCONTINENCE!! THIS is why nobody likes you, Benedict! Well, the alcohol and assholish remarks too… BUT MAINLY TELLING PEOPLE’S SECRETS!! THAT’S why my team respects me, and yours wants to break your OTHER wing!

Also, how come YOU can talk about crashing the party with rockets, but the second i want to use my mines, its “going to far”?!

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #73
  1. It’s called journalistic integrity. I have to report the story AS IT REALLY HAPPENED.
  2. The rockets were a metaphor. I wasn’t really going to blow people up.

(Penguin connoisseur.) #74

A metaphor?! A METAPHOR!?! For WHAT, how much you “blow”?!

(Aurox, omnidimensional horror) #75

Shayne: toby, as much I HATE the ■■■■ outta benedict, you can’t deny he is talented, even that stuck up seargent ernest admits it

Aurox:ernest may be stuck up, but at least he actually does things and does not settle situations with rock paper scissors

Shayne:to be fair, it does decide things

Aurox:You mean like that time we had 12 ties in a row, and ended up have to take on THORN, MIKO, AND BOLDUR AT THE SAME TIME WHEN WE WERE NOT BATTLEBORN YET

Shayne:that was ONE time


(Penguin connoisseur.) #76

As Toby: Well… Yeah, i guess he is… I can still hate him though, right? He told everyone that i crap in my bed!

(Aurox, omnidimensional horror) #77

Shayne and aurox:we all knew already

(Penguin connoisseur.) #78

As Toby: WHAT? HOW?! Wait… Are you just telling me that so i don’t feel embarrassed? Because if you are, you can stop! I’m not some kid who needs to be protected; i am a FURIOUS BIRD OF PREY!!
-makes cute hiccuping sound-

As HandsomeCam: Haha, ah… Do either of you want to bet on whether or not anyone else finally snaps enough to join us in our Battleborn impersonations? I can see why you do it, @Benedict_87; its… liberating.

(Aurox, omnidimensional horror) #79

Shayne:we thought you knew we knew

Aurox:yes, you truly are in need of help

(Shayne and aurox walk to their quarters with kelvin lumbering past, prompts a question)

Aurox what is it with you and kelvin anyway

Aurox:THAT is a story over many eons ago that you are not ready for, child

(Kelvin meets miko)

Miko: has the being troubled you Kevin, we worry for you

Kelvin:it is ok, miko, both of us are not how we used to be, I’m not complete, he is without his pack, nothing will happen, at least, that is what I hope

And yes as myself, it is fun

(Penguin connoisseur.) #80

By the way, @Benedict_87… I finally learned how to post gifs, so that i could post this one that perfectly captures how i feel when i read your humorous and creative stories.

You should feel honored, because i went far beyond the bounds of my Internet knowledge to bring you this…