Borderlands 3 ina Nutshell or massive bag of Peanuts ~ as seen by some dude...+ How to sell the game to your friends(pure satire)

You play as an intergalactic pyschopathic hobo looking for a home.

You finally find a home in a garbage ship known as sanctuary iii off SpaceCraigslist with mad low rent for a tiny room. You decide to finally live somewhere which lets you store the trinkets and weapons and belongings of people you kill.

Then the residents of your ship get in a fight with
With short haired rhianna

But just this short haired/ Karen archetype hair iteration of rhianna one of many from the Rhiannaverse

But only this version^
Because if it was this version

even the author of this topic would join the CoV

As you can see she already has siren tatoos.

And then Alternate Universe Dante from “DmC”

A horrible take on Devil May Cry full of wanna be cool borrowed style drugs are rad, union jack part trailer park trash look smoking teen angst vs original making your own cool style and not caring what ppl think. It was rejected and hated by a large amount of ppl and embraced by a newer lamer generation unaccustomed to the previous 4 games with the original Dante pictured here.


Also known as the one of the Sexiest Videogame characters alive and the coolest.

But capcom decided they wanted drug addict dante. It still never survived and Trailer park Dante was soon out of work because Devil May Cry 5 brought back the original Dante to kill him off and end Devil May cry because Capcom’s horrible mistake… So Alternative Universe dante soon found himself homeless without work and was picked up by Gearbox and 2k for pennies 3 stale bagels and meth rocks… In a country where its legal.
co opted for a new roll as Short haired Rhianna’s reject junkie butler brother.

“They” figured both of these versions were massively hated by a large number of people even if they didnt say it outloud and would make.for perfect villians… They just forgot to write likeable dialouge for them.


Vault hunter Character Design: Concepts and history

Moze - One of the top corporate foodchain ppl blurted out at the devs… Why doesnt this game have Gundams?! Oh and we need more girls. And Something gaige players will like. And so Moze was born.

Fl4k - they obviously wanted to cross a bridge between Zero Mordecai playstyles and Top food chain person kept saying they wanted their World of Warcraft Hunter In Borderlands… So they were forced to create fl4k… Burning pressure to be more woke spawned him into being a non binary genderless robot, even though modern hardware is all magnetically binary configurations… Creating a non binary binary being which is a conundrum but many people self identify as conundrums so it worked out perfectly.

Zane Flynt - a certain Corporate top of the food chain dude said ok i want a dude who is super invulnerable and can run like sonic the hedgehog and is a drunk and a cross between Aurelia and handsome jack because we spent alot of money to make those characters so re use their assets give it irish sounding lines and everyone will like it. Ppl love irish acdents even if he isnt a zafford we’ll make it work. Make it sexy and techno like n sh*te

Amara - The Ceo brings indian food for the whole dev team and eats some mango chutney dip and has a braingasm
He then looks at the devs… Slides the mango chutney sauce at. the devs and says… “Make this a character.” They respond, “WHAT?”
He responds…
Make this the most powerful character the game has ever seen. She has to be a literal Goddess and a fighter like Michelle Rodriguez but represent the most underrepresented ppl in videogames and this tasty mango chutney… Do.it… Do It now!

And so The beautiful Strong And bestest Siren ever named Amara was Born. And i’m Glad to have such a character… Just wish she had better and funny lines.


So anyways u follow one of 4 hobos on a mission to stop short haired rhianna and reject dante.

The rest of the story was decided by rock paper sissors with multiple story boards.

And monopoly… Whenever a player hit pass go a whole storyboard was thrown out
Eventually it became the game as we know it. Shorter than the bl2 campaign

Now while the endgame can be summed up as copying roblox/minecraft mods and putting anointments copying such as weapon buffs and enchantments the player cant remove… like other games allow you to, but not allowing bl3 players.

Basically copying all the problems of live service looter shooters who are basically copying the original 2 borderlands master pieces…
So its copying its copiers but with less options and none of the solutions or lessons learned.

Butt…

That doesnt matter because thats after the story is over.

So lets get back to the story…

You do stuff and leave the original planet which has many beaituful areas and variance and cool places but you only get to see a monocolor desert wasteland… You then leave the planet and go to a city place. Stuff happens there. Ppl meet a beautiful austrialian accented or is confused with british character you sort of want to like… You do some car stuff… Stuff happens u forget what it was because you picked up a coffe quest and want to burn the memory out of ur mind and you decide to no longer do side quest so you eventually leave and go to an asteroid and you fight a giant ball. You come back some time later n kill some dude who has weirder clone techology than zane handsome jack and zer0

Then u go to Eden 6 revisit sir hammerlock and his boyfriend and see three dinosaurs some Monkeys ratches which are everywhere and generic psychos. U meet a cowboy who talks alot and never really says anything cool. U forget he exist until the game forces u to spend some time with him for the main quest

U meet an old character in the planet athenas
Along with a chikd which doesnt make alot of sense and divides the community because they provide no reason to like said child or in-depth quest and quality time.

Eventually stuff happens u revisit all the areas.

U go to a alien planet called neko de faygo or something. U meet danny devito and he goes into
Indiana jones mode. He becomes the only likeable character…

Then u see what happens when u like characters in this game series.

U kill a few mummy monsters.

U fight the main villians and one dies

Then u go kill the other one who supoosedly binds with a creature the size of a mountain but greets you in the size smaller than the big robots from Borderlands 2.

Youre just happy theyre dead. Not because you feel empassioned to but because its the directions on the main quest. Plus their lines were so bad you felt bad for them and wanted to put them out of their misery.

The story is over… U sit there like… Wtf…

And then u hear alisha keys… And you say… What The EFF LOUDER… Really? Is that where the budget went?!

And you stare confused at the credits…

And thats why you should buy this game. It represents modern times
Dis attached ment ness like stuff.
Everyones angsty unapologetic screaming loudly and no one inspires anymore… Just what you came for… More of modern times ina fantasy escape from reality game based in the way future.

Do it because you like to gamble and this game has slot machines and. A womans whose uh… Dated the universe named moxxi.

Do it because deep down inside… You wanna watch the end of a series you loved. It had to die somehow.

Theres somenother stuff but its not important.

Kaboom baby!


Anyways grab your friend by the leggs and start crying with snot running down ur face alongside tears and cry for them to play with you… And how ur so lonely…

Post troubling suicide awareness memes constantly and memes about being sad and lonelyness and statuses how no one cares about you… leading ppl to be concerned about you… So someone decides to play the game with you…


What matters is your friends will buy the game. Theyll beat it look at the endgame and never play it again. Your friends feel…bad for you because You like this game and they send you gifts on your birthday or buy things for you from your wishlist. Because youre obviously deranged and have mental issues or are sick… But they dont want to play this game with you.

This results in enough sales for borderlands 4 in 2028. Which becomes a live service shooter with pvp everyone hates.

~Fin~

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I invited my bl2 coop partner into the game. He bought it after 2 weeks he strted playing other games. :disappointed_relieved:

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My wife wont touch this game since mayhem 2.0 lmao so she was my co op partber through all 3! And she farmed for perfect versions more than i did. Every few levels wed get better maggies in bl2. Including op lvls

Thats alot of farming time but not really loot actually dropped from dedicated mobs and unl didnt have to worry about anoints.

Anyways you inspired my last two paragrpahs ive edited the op

This one hit me hard lmao

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i forgot the closer and main point. I just added it.

Dude, you’re killing me! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :+1:

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Im dying inside every patch XD

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Okay now I gotta ask because I’m a massive fan of DMC 1-4, does Dante really die or was this just part of your joke? Or is it like in 2 where he “vanishes till the world needs him again”

That does sound fun. Where can I get this secret much better version of BL3?

The rest is so funny and then you suddenly slap reality in my face :frowning_face:

Also your story recap is strangely spot on: Meet this new NPC - forget about them - repeat…

Thanks for the laugh.

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Yes and no.

I wont ruin 5 for you. But since 4 theyve wanted to make Nero the main character 5 does this. Cementing him as Devil May Crys main guy.
5 is a fun game… Weirdly controls feel better for every character but nero.

Reality hurts irl

Question
You present the events of the plot in wrong order. Is this because you don’t care anymore?

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I was gonna point out that nutshells are usually small, but then I realized it must be Borderlands 3 as viewed through the lens of a hollowed out crazy person - a shell of a nut, as it were.

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You gotta be super fun at parties!

Well if i read it outloud its pretty short nota paragraph when it comes to just the story. Its borderlands as a whole. But yes i am a hollowed out shell of a nut lmao … Its more like a bag of peanuts…

Hey thats a better title! Tanks!

Maybe you have really big nuts??? Lmao This would solve this whole debacle!!!

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Lmfao!

I heard frogs can have quads. And the whole seafloor is full of fish… Uh nvm

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This is better than the actual story

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Good grief, a comic serial killer!

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:boom:

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An honest add about the curent state of AAA game industry:

(Warning. Satire alert!)

■■■■ you gamers!

if you’re dumb enough to buy a new game on release day, you’re a big enough schmuck to come to Up-Yours Publishing and Screw-You Studio!

Ripoff prices! Buggy ang glitchy games! Liars!

If you think youll be treated with respect just because your buying this crappy game, which development we outsourced to some third world country for pennyes on the dollar, you can kiss my ass! It’s our belief that you’re such a stupid ■■■■■■■■■■■■, that you’ll fall for this ■■■■■■■■, GUARANTIED!

If you think you’ll be treated better in the indie market, you can shove it up your ugly ass! You heard us right, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS! We’ll just buy their pathetic game studio and run it down the ground, EA style!

Bring your credit car number, give us your E-mail adress, bring your wife, WE’LL ■■■■ HER! That’s right, we’ll ■■■■ your wife! Because when your dealing with the AAA game industry, you’re ■■■■■■ six ways from sunday.

Take a hike, to Up-Yours Publishing and Screw-You Studio’s: home of CHALLENGE PISSING - that’s right - CHALLENGE PISSING. How does it work? If you can piss six feet into the air straight up, and not get wet, you get one year of free subscription to our own premium service that you can add to your thirty other usseles subscribtions, that leech money form your bank accaunt each month!

Don’t wait! Don’t delay! DON’T ■■■■ WITH US, or we’ll rip your nuts off.

Only at Up-Yours Publishing and Screw-You Studio’s: the only game publisher and developer that tells you to ■■■■ OFF! HURRY UP ■■■■■■■! This offer ends the minute after you submit your soul to us, and it better not come with a negative credit ratio, or you’re a dead ■■■■■■■■■■■■.

GO TO HELL!

Up-Yours Publishing and Screw-You Studio. The home of the greediest and home of the meanest corporate sleezeballs since the birth of Wall Street. GUARANTEED!

(I don’t know about you folks but this should be the opening for any AAA game presentation. Truth in advertisement for a change.)

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There’s a point when ‘satire’ just becomes a poor excuse for slagging something off.

I think that has been reached here.

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