ECHO News Network (story spoilers!)

Good evening, your listening to ECHO News Network with Drake Hitchiker.

Good evening, folk’s, I’m Chuck Stake. Drake Hitchiker died yesterday when i shoved him in a woodchiper. In latest new’s…
After the initial outrage at Gearbox for making the higly anticipated Borderlands 3, an Epic Store exclusive on PC, another one surfaced. This time it revolves with the games plot or too be more specific, the death of Maya the Siren. Maya was a playable character in Borderlands 2 and had many fan’s, the ones with expirience in storytelling also pointed out the lack of charater growth and overal impact in the plot.
But who cares about them? We at ECHO News Network belive that the best people to anwser that question are the characters themselfs. So we sent our reporters out in the wild to ask them “What’s your opinion of Gearbox for killing Maya the way they did?”, here are some responses:

Axton: “Gearbox killed Maya!? Who’s now gonna give Krieg a piggyback ride?”
Athena: “Lame story.”
Janey: “There should be a death penalty for lazzy storyteling.”
Salvador: “Good, I was getting hungry and it’s almost lunchtime. ABUELA! Prepare the barbeque. I’m bringing home some fresh Gearbox meat.”
Gaige: “What the ■■■■! Thats ■■■■■■■■. Maya found a way to kill Haderax the invincible in less than five seconds. Now your telling me that some bitchy ECHOstreamer killed her simply by touch!? ■■■■ You! Where’s a gigantic space laser when you need one?”
Mr. Tourge: “THATS UNACCEPTABLE! BLOW GEARBOX THE ■■■■ UP!!!”
Random Athenas citizen: "SHE’S THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT HAPENED IN THIS WORLD AND NOW SHE’S GONE! I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE ANYMORE! (dowses gasoline over himself and lights a match)
Roland’s ghost: “I knew I shoud have watched my back. I’m dead for five minutes and the Crimson Raider’s are a dysfuncional mess. Don’t get me wrong I still love Lilith but puting a child in charge!? Remember the Crimson Lance? Their downfall was a five year old admiral. No wonder general Knoxx prefers being dead. (beat) I just said that out loud, havent I?”
Krieg: (horrifying background scream’s) “MAKE THEEEEEEMMM SUUUUUUUFFFFEEEERR!!!”
SIGNAL LOST…

Huh… I guess we have to hire a new intern. Those were the news, reporting for ECHO News Network this is Chuck Stake and remember we got news out the ass.

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Good evening your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Good evening folk’s i’m still Chuck Stake and I need someone to take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girl’s are pretty.

In latest news…

Lady Aurelia Hammerlock is dead. The heiress of the Hammerlock family fortune, was killed on Eden 6 in the Jakob’s family mantion, which she acquired after killing the then president Montgomery Jakobs. Her fate was sealed when she agreed to form an alliance with the Calypso Twins. At that point she could have put a singn on her neck reading “shoot me in the face”. A request that was granted by four brave vault hunter’s and Wainwright Jakobs. She was buried last week on her home planet of Hermes but no one noticed. Reports say that her brother Alistair Hammerlock was seen dancing on her grave, throwing confetti in the air while singing “The witch is dead, The witch is dead”.

After her death, rumors began spreading of an affair she had with… TROY CALYPSO?! (nauseating vomiting). S-sorry, she banged the human tapeworm?! Now I need to bleach this image out of my head, juck.

A major breakthrough in the field of time travel. The scientist of Eden 5 university have confirmed that Claptrap. Yes, that Claptrap, somehow ■■■■■■■ managed to travel back in time, kill his past self, yet he’s still pressent in our time?! The results lead researchers to conclude, and I quote: “Any paradox that may stem from time travel are ■■■■■■■■” end quote. Sound’s reasonable to me.

This has been Chuck Stake, broadcasting from ECHO News Network and I need a ■■■■■■■ drink.

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Good evening your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Hi, there folks, I’m Chuck Stake and I was once maried to a water fountain.

First the headlines…

81 Dahl soldiers killed during 81 gun salute.

A woman on Pandora landed in intensive care after she tried to force breast feed a rabid Skag.

A bandit ate a live grenade.

Doctors discover previusly unknow simptoms of slag poisoning, those include; pubic hair growth on the face or neck, sexual attraction to windows, eyeball growth, trash can envy, tounge extension, pretentiousness, ghonorea, cannibalism and growth of extra holes.

Dr. Zed published his new book “Shotgun: The miracle cure for all diseases”. In it, he describes his expirience of curing the toughest of ailments with a simple shotgun. For instance: head aches, chrohnic pain and dementia can all be resolved with a shoot to the head, preferably with a Jackob’s. And for the more serious cases like Gigantism, he recommends using a Tourge. He cites that patiens who recived this treatment were cured instantly. Granted they were dead… but you don’t hear them complaining, do you?

And now for something completly different…

After our extencive reporting of Gearbox killing Maya in the most pathetic way possible, our servers were overloaded with requests for more coverage on this topic. Since were attention seeking leeches, we have no choice but to oblige. Here are more Borderlands characters voicing their opinion on Gearbox’s treatment of Maya:

Nurse Nina: “Did not know her personaly. But when hidding on Athenas she keept people save, so Nina had no need for work. Now I work all the time. These monk can’t handle getting shot, so I constatly have to stich wounds. Gearbox now pay’s ten times the price for Nina’s service. Hold on! How you found me?!” (gunshot)

Dr. Zed: ¨First Firestone, then Helena, then Bloodwing, then Roland, then Scooter and now Maya?! God damn you, Gearbox! Damn you all to hell! She was the nicest person I ever meet! That’s it!
I’m sending my “pet’s” at ya! Hope you enjoy zombified spychos.¨

Sara ex-wife of Axton: ¨Dissapointed really. Semed like a nice girl. Was expecting Axton to die given his inflated ego. By the way, tell him I’m married again and yes, I’m happier without him.¨

Sir Hammerlock: ¨Shameful. Disgraceful. Dishonorable. That’s not how a certified badass is suposed to die. Here’s my pledge:

“I dedicate my next hunt in Maya’s name by hunting down the idiots who thought her death was a good idea and mount their heads on my wall.”

And that’s all for now folk’s. For ECHO News Network this was Chuck Stake and remember, if the cops didn’t see it you didn’t do it.

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Good evening, your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Hello folk’s, I’m Chunk Stake and yes I’m a deeply disturbed, cranky lunatic with severe personal issues.

First let’s go home. No.

First some news from work, after that maybe some cold beer, then the interstellar route 6-B, then some bucket’s of Skag rib’s, harassing dancers in a shady strip club, indecent exposure, destruction of public property, spending a night in a Truxican jail and then we go home (wink).

Pandora just recieved it’s first restaurant for anorexics called “The Empty Plate,” inside the stuffed corpse of Terramorphous The Invincible. It’s owner Shade from Oasis, says the restaurant is equiped with tables, furniture, a wax statue museum and a bar containing hard liquor for pantomimes. To make sure anorexic guest only get what they deserve, the restaurant has no chef, no kitchen, no staff or food of any kind, but they do have a beautiful view of Pandoras scorched, corpse filled wasteland.

Today, Mr. Torgue revealed his new personal pet project. He’s planing to build a planet made out of explosions and bacon. The estimated cost for this endevor ranges from “are you ■■■■■■■ insane” to “impossible to calculate”. When asked wheather this is even feasible Mr. Torgue said:

I’VE HIRED A BUNCH OF EGGHEADS AND LOCKED THEM IN CONTAINER WITH A WOLVERINE HIGH ON ANGEL DUST. AND I WONT LET THEM OUT, UNTIL THEY ■■■■■■■ FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE ME A PLANET MADE OUT OF M***********G BACON AND EXPLOSIONS!!! WHY??? BECAUSE I’M MR. TORGUE, M**********R!!!

God damn, Mr. Torgue you are my hero!

After the death of Maliwan CEO Katagawa jr. last month, the company stoped celebrating and returned to bussines by announcing their new CEO Mr. Halloway from Halloway Robotics. In his opening statement he talked about realocating most of the companies resources to fuel his vendetta at Gaige the Mechromancer. When people started spreading rumors that one heir to the Katagawa family fortune is still alive, Mr. Halloway proceeded to kill anyone mentioning that.
Gaige, if you can hear this broadcast… Runn, Gaige! Runn! Runn like the wind! Heh, heh… Always wanted to say that. Saw it in a movie once.

And now for our reacuring segment: Characters from the Borderlands react to Gearbox killin Maya.

Shade: »WHY?WHY? Why does everyone have to leave Shade all alone? (crying) And how am I supposed to preserve her body if she’d been turned to dust? (sobbing) Unless… (beat.) OF course! Why havent I thought of this sooner?! I know an ancient voodoo ritual that can bring her back to life! But I will need a loot of human sacrifices to complete it, hmmmmmm… Say, how many employes does Gearbox have?«

Zer0: »/Brought shame to my name./Foolish Gearbox./Vengence is coming. /«

Marcus: »Look, I can’t comment on that. Signed a contract with Gearbox not to talk about the event. But the contract said nothing of sending a group of contract killers to their headquarters, heh-heh…«

Brick: Zer0 just told me the news. Here’s what I think. I think I will kill the lead story writer, the head charater designer, the entire marketing department, his associates, his friends, his FAMILY-EVERYONE HE’S EVER MET! I WILL GOUGE HIS EYE’S OUT WITH MY THUMBS!!! NO ONE KILL’S THE PRETTIEST SIREN OF ALL THE BUNKERS & BADASSES!!! NO ONE!!! (conection lost)

Huh, seem’s we need to find a new field reporter.

Those were the news. Broadcasting for ECHO News Network, I’m Chuck Stake and to my ex-wife…
You drilled a hole in my head, then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead…
I WANT YOU BACK, BABY!

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Good evening, universe! You’re listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Good evening, folk’s. I’m Chuck Stake and a shout-out to the insane clown’s Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J from Insane Clown Posse. Man, was that a party! And that was before the stripers and riot cop’s showed up.

Before we begin tonight’s programe… An anouncement.

Dear listeners, it’s thank to you for turning ECHO News Network from a small pirate radio broadcast station, into the most widely listened programe in the nearest six galaxyies, IN LESS THAN THREE WEEK’S!!! Look at us now! I’m sitting in a fortified dreadnaught with enough firepower to obliterate a planet and our own pruduction staff. Also, I’m rich BITCHES! And to my dad who told me “your never going to be a successful pirate radio broadcaster”… I say ■■■■ YOU, you simple minded ■■■■■!

Tonight we have a treat for you. Responding to the controversy of Gearbox killing Maya the Siren, is none other than Handsome Jack. I know what your thinking, “How can Hansome Jack coment on this issue? He’s dead.”

True, Hansome Jack is dead and burning in hell. That’s not figurative we know he’s in hell. How? Turn’s out, that ECHO News Network has trillions of listeners there. Granted their being tourtured with the broadcast but it count’s nonetheless.

Our field reporter Fred Crotchmonger managed to find an opening for an interview in hell’s hectic schedule. To clarify Fred was the reporter we sent to tell Krieg what happened to Maya. That reminds me… I should have warned him that Krieg might not react in a healthy productive way…
Oh, well…

Reporting live from hell is Fred Crocthmonger. All your’s Fred.

Yeah, about that Chuck… There’s been some kind of complication. I was suposed to meet Handsome Jack here but two demons carried him pass me, down into the torture chamber. To clarify on this predicament is one off Hell’s top managers Mr. Demong.

Fred: “Mr. Demong it’s nice for you join us.”

Mr. Demong: “Evenin.”

Fred: “So what happened? Why’s Handsome Jack unavailable?”

Mr. Demong: “Bad timing. See, right at this moment, Jack’s reciving his eternal punisment and we do it always at 7 o’clock p.m and a.m. Once it’s done we take him to another torture chamber and continue there. It’s a rotation process to keep thing fair, so everyone can get their fair share of torture.”

Fred: “I see. So… Can we book at another time?”

Mr. Demong: “Not in the forthcoming 300 year’s. The only reason you even got time for this interview is the revelation that Tannis is a ■■■■■■■ Siren. All of the paperwork had to be changed arrival, placement, punishment… It’s a bureaucratic clusterfuck.”

Fred: “Wait! Are you saying that there are no siren’s in Hell?”

Mr. Demong: “See any walking around? We don’t deal with sirens, they work in their own freaky way’s.”

Fred: “Oh. Good to know. Then would you like to coment on the Maya being killed controversy?”

Mr. Demong: “I’m not one to get involved in politics. All I will say is that Gearbox has a special place in the deepest part of Hell waiting for them, right next to EA.”

Fred: “So, maybe there is a God after all…”

Mr. Demong: “Of course there’s a God and he ■■■■■■■ hates you! Mankind, pfff. The bigest disaster ever to happen in existance. If he hadn’t forgot to wash his Petri dish on his chemical equipment, we’d all be partying! But no, you sacks of misformed protoplasm had to appear!”

Fred: “Whoah, i fell so useless. Last question… Just for curiosity… What kind of punisment is Jack subjected to?”

Mr. Demong: “Heh! He’s playing with us a little game we call " Will it fit… UP THE RECTUM?" . And before I forget… You’r all going to Hell, no exeptions. Now excuse me. I have to go back to work.”

Fred: “Well… There you have it folk’s. God hates us all…”

Mr. Demong: “Asmodeus! Enough with the broom handle, use the pineapple!”

Fred: “…And Handsome Jack is having a pineapple showed up his butthole.”

(Handsome Jack’s agonising scream).

Fred: “Reporting from Hell, this is Fred Crotchmonger.”

(Back in studio snorting eridium dust)… wooooooooooooo! This is better than sex! That’s all for today, reporting from ECHO News Network, this is Chuck “high as a kite” Stake (collapses on the ground).

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Good evening universe! Your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Hello folk’s, I’m Chuck Stake and I knew a guy who made his wife so mad she cutt off his weiner.

In tonight’s news…

The planet of Rip-off was scamed. The notorious homeworld of bankers, mobster, scam artists and snake oil salesmen, was swindled from their hard stolen cash last week, rendering them bankrupt. Oh, the Irony.
The culprits are suspected to came from off-world disguised as lawyers of the Eridian prince promising to exchange an Eridium mine worth trillions of dollars in exchange for the bank deposite number of all Rip-off resident’s. The catch? The’re is no such thing as an Eridian prince and he has no lawyers.

A source involved in the scam was kind enough to send our office the suspects photos. He also notes that the pictures may be edited.

Well, he was right about that, they were edited. But our crack team of crack technitians… yes, that’s a term now… removed the modifications and returned them in their original format.

First we’ll show you the edited:

(Two pictures pop up, of Fiona and Sasha with fake mustaches)

And now for the original:

(Two picture pop up, of Fiona and Sasha without mustaches)

Hey, look at that! It’s Fiona and Sasha scaming an entire planet of crooks… Ah, what will they think of next? Phahahahaha… what kinda crimanals live there that they didn’t see past this bullshitt? I mean you have to be a real ■■■■■■■ to fall for such a cheap disguiese…

(a stagehand runs to Chuck, whispers something in his ear…)

What? I talked to them yesterday and didn’t reckognize them?!

(whisper, whisper)

And I sold them all our stock’s?!

(whisper, whisper)

And there is no planet made out of cheese and whiskey?! (beat) Ooooohhhhhhhh, ■■■■…

And now… for our reacuring segment (sigh)… characters from the borderlands react to Gearbox killing Maya…

Moze: “Total dick move Gearbox. And I stood there like a statue when it happened, this whole thing could be prevented. ■■■■ you, Gearbox.”

Amara: “It sucks! I woud gladly rip appart that tapeworm Troy at that moment but some ■■■■■■■ decided that we stand by and watch it happen. If you wanted to get your ass whooped Gearbox… You got it! I’ll go full Shiva on your asses!”

Fl4k: “I’d kill the Calypso’s anyway… That whole thing was one waste of everyones time. My computer calculated that the managers at gearbox have no brains.”

Zane: (sloshed) “I’ve got no excuse for it. Arsseholes. Sweet thing… i’d love’d to shagg her if you catch me drift, heh heh… Don’t tell that to Krieg!”

Captain Scarlet: “Now that’s just a pathetic cheap shot and that’s coming from me! I mean I will shoot you in the back the first chance I get… Yet even I have standards… Oh, look it’s Loader bot and Gortys!” (reporter turns his back, followed by two gunshots) SIGNAL LOST…

(Back in studio Chuck’s working on his fift bottle of whiskey) (hic) Those were the news… (hic)… reporting for ECHO News Network… (hic) …this is Chuck Stake… (hic) and I’m so screwed!.. (hic).

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(preparations for ECHO News Network)

No, no, no, no, no… Come on guys we can’t go on the air without news to report!

Technician#1: Sorry, Chuck. There’s not much going on.

Not even on Pandora?! ■■■■!

Dahl is gonna ■■■■ us in the ass if we don’t get enough ratings tonight!

(Lights in the studio flicker, the relay board gets hit by a blast of static electricity, printers print an infinite amount of pamphlet’s with the simbol for anarchy and the ships reactor core is shut down.)

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!

Technician#2: We lost control ower the ships system, it won’t respond to our overide protocol! I-I-I-I-I- I think we’ve been hacked!

Technician#1: And were drifting toward’s an asteroid field!

■■■■ ME!!!

(Panic spreads through the ship,)

(then someone’s ECHO recorder starts ringing)

Hey! Which of you ■■■■■■■■ didn’t turn off your ECHO device? Can’t you see were trying to panic?

Technician#2: (rolling his eyes) It’s your ECHO, Chuck.

Oh. Then it must be important… huh, an unknown number.

Hello?

Gaige: “■■■■ THE SYSTEM!!!”

Excuse me… but who is this?

Gaige: “Your favorite murderbot building anarchist!”

GAIGE?! I thought you were in hiding.

Gaige: “I still am.”

Wait a second… where did you get my number?

Gaige: “Oh, I hacked your ECHOnet account and extracted it from there. Fun fact! Did you know that everything that’s conected to the ECHOnet can be hacked? Thats how I’m one step ahead of Mr. Halloway’s forces. And the entire ECHOnet has one easy to breach back door. Just imagine… someone with enough computer skills can destroy the backbone of modern communication… someone like me!”

Er… our ship is connected to the ECHOnet. Was that you?

Gaige: “Oh, sorry. Needed to secure your channel from tracking … can cause system overload at the recieving end.”

Huh, good to know, i guess?

Gaige: “And by the way, Chuck… for someone with a such colourful vocabulary, your porn selection is… rather boring.”

You found my porn files?!?!

Gaige: “Oh, yeah… stored on the same server as the rest of your stuff. Clasic mistake. Still have nightmares from when I found Axton’s, brrrrrrrrrr…”

What? That bad?

Gaige: “Ha! You got no idea! I try too be open minded and all that… but he’s into some freaky ■■■■.”

Uhhhhh… Can you detail some of-

Technician#1: (watching through the window, nearing the asteroid belt, nervously bitting his fingernails) CHUCK!!!

What? (beat.) OH! Errr, listen Gaige. Can you reactivate our ship? We seem to be unable to do it from here…

Gaige: “Crap! I knew I forgot something!”

(Ship’s power core reactivates, telemetry, navigation and radar functioning again)

Technician#2: We’re moving away from the asteroid field! We’re saved!

(The entire studio cellebrates)

Phew, that was close. So…

…why did you call us, Gaige?

Gaige: “Heard youre having trouble finding some news to report. And I need a transmiter that can reach all six galaxy’es. I think we can make a trade.”

You’ve found a hot story?

Gaige: “Yep. And in exchange I want to send some encrypted messages to the Crimson Raiders while you interview me.”

Interview?

Gaige: “You want the news? Then you have to interview me… also I want to went off some steam for a particular issue.”

(sigh.) I guess I have no other choice. What do you want to talk about?

Gaige: “Maya…”

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Good evening universe, your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Hello I’m Chuck Stake and I think I’m turning into a newt.

Today’s show is brought to you by Dahl:

DAHL. MADE FOR PROFESSIONALS, USED BY PROFESSIONALS.

Tonight, to further express her thought’s in detail on Gearbox killing Maya controversy, is none other than our resident anarchist… GAIGE THE MECHROMANCER!

She joins us now, live from an undisclosed location. Gaige, thank for calling.

Gaige: »■■■■ THE SYSTEM!!!«

Okay. Now, Gaige… it’s been around two month’s since the games release. What’s bothering you soo much?

Gaige: »It represents everithing I hate about the video game idustry. They releasede another Borderlands title with a tweaked preformance engine and updated graphics while ignoring character development, any trace of emotional enjoyment, and slaping loyal fans in the face only to sell a watered down half-finished product and charging full sales price for it.«

Gaige: »And if you consider that the marketing pigs and managment swines, dumbed down 90% of the gamer market, turning them into brainless consumer zombies, who pasively accept the rising price of video games, with less content, rushed product quality, the increasing rate for hotfix and patches… and bug’s, lets not forget them. All in all? Most gamers are incapable of criticaly examining the ■■■■ sandwitch they were forced to eat.«

Gaige: »But wait! There not done with you yet. Next they will fleece you to buy DLC for something you dont even know what you will get with season passes (instead of puting all the content in the finall product), collectors edition, stupid online subscriptions, usless skins and microtransactions…«

Hold on now, Gaige. Borderlands doesnt have microtransactions.

Gaige: »You belive in that just because their CEO and marketing department said so? Grow up! Those people are pathological liars and care only for money. Whatever dirty tricks there are, they will use them sooner or later.«

Okay, that was quite a broad but accurate critisism. Erm, Anything else you wish to say about the industry?

Gaige: »Yes. I want to point out the treatment of the workers. The big cat’s want to convince you that it was thanks to their briliance these games are so great. How about you check on the underpaid graphics designer who’s working 60+HOUR’S A WEEK, WITH NO PAID OVERTIME, CONNSTANT STRESS, BORDERLINE IMPOSSIBLE TIMELINE, HAS TO SUFFER THROUGH DAILY BERATEMENT AND VERBAL ABUSE FROM HER SUPERIORS, JUST SO SHE CAN GET ENOUGH MONEY TO FEED HER TWO CHILDREN, BY HERSELF SINCE HER HUSBAND IS OVERSEAS, FIGTHING IN STUPID RICH PEOPLE’S WARS, SO THAT THE GUN MANUFACTURERS AND OIL COMPANIES CAN JACK UP THEIR PRICESS!!!«

Whoa! Gaige! What the hell…

Gaige: (gasping) »Sorry… I get carried away when talking about these things…«

Ummm, b-before the show you said, you had a perssonal issiue with the game?

Gaige: »Besides the fact it was done in a half-assed way? Yeah, two points:«

1). ***»They didn’t mention me, Axton, Sal, Krieg, Athena and the Watcher (as if we newer existed). And on top of that they gave Lilith all the credit for the thing’s wed done. It’s not only insulting to us but they droped their pants and wiped their asses with us!«

2). »And this is the thing that threw me over the edge… WHAT THE ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ DID YOU DO TO MAYA???«

Hmmm… Do i sense some anger within your voice?

Gaige: »Angry? I’m not angry… I’M ■■■■■■■ PISSED!!!«

Ouch, my ear drum is bleeding!

Gaige: »Ups, sorry.«

We’ll continue after the break:

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Your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake…

Welcome back. Were continuing aour discussion with Gaige the Mechromancer.
Now asuming by your response before my eardrum bursted, you two were quite close, werent you?

Gaige: »Hell yeah! She was like the badass bandit slaughtering demi-godes of a big sis’ I never had. I consinder her to be family.«

I see. So, how did you two became such good friends?

Gaige: » Back on Pandora when I just arrived. Back then I was just a sixteen year old robotics nerd on the run (from assassins because I accidentaly blew up my rival at the school science fair).«

Gaige: »On that train, when I first met the gang, I felt alone and ignored. Like, I never was supossed to be there.«

Gaige: »Sal was more interested in loading his gun’s, Zer0… er, actually I don’t know what Zer0 was thinking or doing. I never figured out that guy. Anyway… Axton did ogle at me, which was weird, since I was never popular with the boy’s…«

Gaige: »Then, Krieg appeared behind me, he was drolling at the mouth… then he picked me up, unhinged his jaw and try’ed to eat me! The most horrifing moment of my life! Only for Maya to stop him. Then he droped me on the floor and I blacked out.«

Gaige: »When I woke up, Maya was standing above me. She helped me up, patted me on the back and said “Stick with me kiddo and you’ll have nothing to worry about”.«

My God… That’s actually hearwarming… and terrifying.

Gaige: »Yes… and after Handsome Jack tried to kill us and fighting off a den of bullymong’s, Maya gave me two hours of shooting lesons and I was clearing bandid camps like a true badass!«

Ah, so she tought you to mass murder with the best.

Gaige: »Hell, yeah! The six of us then went on to become Crimson Raiders, meet Lilith, saved Roland, fought alongside Mordecai and Brick, killed Handsome Jack, destroyed his Warrior, saved Lilith and avenged Bloodwing and Roland.«

Right. I can see why your upset about her death.

Gaige: »UPSET?! Don’t make me laugh. One of the most powerfull sirens in existance turns to dust because some ECHOstreaming emo ■■■■■ touched her?! While Lilith lost her powers when she stupidly decided to fight the twins, (well avare how dangerous that is,) instead of telleporting on the ship?! And she gets to live?!?! ■■■■■■■■!«

Well, Lilith is also a powerful siren and the commander of the Raiders.

Gaige: *Yeah and she let the Calypsos unite the bandit’s while we we’re single-mindedly obssesed with finding the vault key, instead of listening to Sal who advised killing them the moment they showed up before they became a worse threat. Guess who was proven right.«

Gaige: »Yeah, she’s powerful, but how many real enemies did she fought? The Destroyer and Crawmerax? Pffffff! We killed ten raid bosses! Terramorphous, Vermivorous, Pete, Master Gee, Voracidous, Dexiduous, Ancient dragons of destruction, The son of Crawmerax and Haderax.«

Gaige: »Especially Haderax since Maya killed him by herself in less than five seconds! So don’t ■■■■■■■■ me!«

Okay, okay, calm down! So, what will you do now?

Gaige: »Kill two bird’s with one stone. Get rid of the Halloway’s while at the same time bringing back Maya.«

Ummmmm, the second may be a problem…

Gaige: »Says who?«

Well, the authors. A character is cannonicly dead if he dies on screen, much like Roland.

Gaige: »You mean the same idiot’s who caused this mess? ■■■■ em! They’we done enough damage allready. It’s time for the fans to repair the damage.«

Yes, while their is a strong playerbase support to bring her back, there are also others who don’t want that, pointing out that woud make the death meaningless.

Gaige: »For that to apply the death has to be meaningful. This case is the exact opposite! When Roland died it affected the story and we all were in mourning. Maya’s death was shock for shock value only, it in no way impacted the story and everyone acted like she never existed and that pathetic eulogy they had with TANNIS?! She’s to emotional speeches what Pol Pot was for human rights.«

Gaige: »If you are willing to be ■■■■■■ in the ass… I AM NOT!«

We’ll continue this programe after the brake…

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Your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake…

Welcome back to our interview with Gaige the Mechromancer.

Before the break we were disscusing the possibility of bringing back Maya. Let me be a complete cynic here and state that it probablly doesn’t mater what the fans want, since the developers only care about money. You likely won’t change anything… so, you have to accept the situation as it is.

Gaige: »Wow, you really are a spineless corporate bootlicker, Chuck.«

Thanks for noticing!

Gaige: »What the hell is wrong with you people? Dont setle for less than you deserve, how much money did they stole from you? Stand up for something dammit!«

For the love of… (sigh) Gaige, why don’t you calm down? You’ll get over it.

Gaige: » First off-let’s take it from the start! You can’t change what’s in my heart and you can’t tear my beliefs apart and you can’t make me! You ain’t ever seen someone like me and I will prevail! Regardless what the cost might be!«

Come on now! Now your just complaining…

Gaige: »Ah, the old complainer excuse. How about you get your head outa your ass! You people are the adault children of alcoholics! Who get mad at the person who’s pointing out that you are being screwed, instead off being mad at the person who IS screwing you!«

D-D-Dont mention my chilldhood, Gaige! That’s a sensitive topic.

Let’s forget about the story since it’s subjective… Then why play it? You don’t have to, if you don’t like it.

Gaige: »Why?! Because that gives those corporate ■■■■■■■■ the signal that you will accept any kind of ■■■■■■■■ there pushing, so they have no reason to improve quality since the consumer zombies, will spill out their money on instinct only for the title! And I’m tired of watching people being abused by this!«

Gaige: »So I won’t stop sounding the alarm, for unlike the empty suits in the publishing company, I CARE FOR THE FANS AND THE LOW PAID WORKERS WHO WORK THEIR WELL-BEING TO DEATH, ONLY TO DELIVER A DISSAPOINTMENT!«

Yes, yes… I know! It’s an open secret. But you can’t change that! Your figthing against an ocean of idiot’s. Not to mention what those revievers will do to you online.

Gaige: »You think I care what some idiot or corporate lackey thinks of me online? I DON’T FEAR THEM! Doesn’t matter what the press says. Doesn’t matter what the stupid say or the mobs say. Doesn’t matter if the whole planet decides that something wrong is something right. You as a self-respecting gamer have to stand up for what you believe, no matter the odds or the consequences.«

Gaige: »When the mob, the press and the whole world tell you to get in line, you stand firm and say… ■■■■ YOU! YOU GET BACK IN LINE!!!«

But…but… but… They will destroy you!

Gaige: » I will never fall as long as I try, I refuse to be a part of your lie. Even if it means I die! YUO. CAN’T. BRING. ME. DOWN.«

Come on, Gaige. Now your going crazy!

Gaige: »Who the hell are you calling crazy? You wouldn’t know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating fruit loops on your front porch…«

Gaige: »Let’s get something clear! I speak more truth than you want to hear so, you try to scapegoat me, to cover up your fear and insecurities! I fight for what I know is right so, if a fight was what you want… you got it! Stand-up! I’ll take you on any day!«

You won’t stop will you?

Gaige: »NO! Because we’re not in the wrong!«

We’re?

Gaige: »The rest of the gang. Don’t belive me? I can call em…«

(speed-dialing)

Gaige: »Hey, guys! If we find a way to bring back Maya, would you join the effort?«

Athena: »Where and when. I’ll be there.«

Janey: » Now that sound like an adventure! I’ll go pack my bags.«

Axton: »Well, I do owe her for all the times she patched me up… I’m in.«

Brick: » Hell, yeah I’m for it! And if anyone’s against it, they can talk to my fist!«

Mordecai: » We do need a better leader… hollar at me and Talon when your ready.«

Salvador: »Give me one moment… I’ll bring enough ammo to start another corporate war!«

Mr. Torgue: » DO IT OR I’LL BLOW ALL YOU ■■■■■■■ UP!!!«

Tina: »Bring tHe preTTy ladY baCk!«

Zer0: »To redem myself?/ Wash away the shame?/ I’m in.«

Moxxi: »She always gave me a lady-boner. Bring her back sugar.«

Moze: »Why are we talking about this? Let’s go and do it allready!«

Amara: »Two awesome siren’s are better than just one. Let’s go kick some ass.«

Fl4k: »As long as I get to kill something… I’m game.«

Zane: »You mean I can ogle at her again? Count me in!«

Gaige: »Told you so.«

I don’t understand what’s going on anymore and I don’t know wheather I like it or not!

Gaige: »Just cause you don’t understand what’s going on don’t mean it don’t make no sense! And just cause you don’t like it, don’t mean it ain’t no good and let me tell you something;«

»Before you go taking a walk in my world, you better take a look at the real world. Cause this ain’t no Mister Roger’s Neighborhood! Can you say “feel like ■■■■”? Yea maybe sometimes I do feel like ■■■■. I ain’t happy 'bout it, but I’d rather feel like ■■■■ than be full of ■■■■!«

»And if I offended you, oh I’m sorry… But maybe you need to be offended. But here’s my apology and one more thing…■■■■ YOU!«

One more break and we’ll be right back…

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Your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake…

Welcome back to the fourth and final part of our live interview with Gaige the Mechromancer…

Let me play Devils advocate here for a moment and mention that most people find the game playable and don’t much care for the plot.

Gaige: »Woooow… I’ts playable. How noble! They achieved the bare minimum. We’we really hit the peak of video game potential… whoopty ■■■■■■ doo.«

Errrrrrr, yeah I’m having trouble reading your tone of voice. Was that sarcasm?

Gaige: »Yes.«

Ok, want to make sure.

Gaige: »I don’t want to repeat myself, but the majority of people who are satisfied with such crap are ■■■■■■■ stupid. Should we all lower our standards because of them? I think NOT. Nobody is asking for a Pulitzer prize, but some standards and decency would be appreciated.«

Fair point. I don’t know why I’m asking… but. Ehhhh, ■■■■ it. You still want Maya back don’t you?

Gaige: »Now allow me to be a cynic and give two reason why…«

Gaige: »First, is for greed. These publishing companies only care about money, right? Well many of Maya’s fans are in grief now and they will speend a lot of money only to get her back. And I think even in a world filled with lies and empty promises… people ought’a get something they want, once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that the developers care about their fans. Go ahead and throw a dog a bone, to distract them and keep their minds of how badly the’re being ■■■■■■ by the video game industry.«

Gaige: »The second reason, is to save your own ass. For what do you think will happen when Krieg comes after you?«

(from the sudden realisation Chuck accidentaly swallows the shoot glass of whiskey he was drinking)…(struggling gargling noises)…

(Then, Finally he preforms a Heinrich manuever on himself, by repeatedly punching himself in the gut).

…grrrg…hfff… grgrrggggrr…pt-huey…(The shot glass leaves Chuck’s throat, but not whithout collateral damage…).

(glass shaters on impact)

Technician#2: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY EYE!!! MY EYE!!!

B-b-b-b-b-but why-y wo-o-ould Krieg-g c-come aff-affter me?!?! I dindn’t do nothing t-t-to him!

Gaige: »He’s blinded by rage. He’ll kill friend or foe… The hope of seing Maya again was the only thing restraining him. Now that she’s gone, he has no reason to restrain himself, and all his efforts to regain his sanity we’re in vain.«

Gaige: »And after everything he’s been through, taking away his only good thing in life, he fells betrayed. All that’s left are hatred and bitternes… Like many members of a doomsday cult, he now seek’s to destroy our world… The world that hurt and betrayed him.«

(Sweating profoundley) B-b-b-b-but he can be stoped right? RIGHT?!

Gaige: »Are you really that stupid or just pretending? We’re not talking about your average deranged psycho! Krieg is more a force of nature, the embodiment of demented aggression! «

Gaige: »You know how he reacted when Maya left Pandora? He savegly butchered the entire Bloodshot stronghold. His strikes we’re powerfull enough to collapse the dam. After that, he eviscerated an entire Rakk hive, with his hand’s!«

(Chuck went pale and and fell into a state of shock from vivid description of Kriegs capabilities.)

Gaige: »Get’s worse… You know what else he was working on? A freaking chainsaw buzz-axe, with laser’s! He made it as a gift for Maya. Gues who was the first victim. Your deceased field reporter Fred. I wasn’t there when he killed him… But I promise you this. His death was only the begining. Let me tell you a little secret… Not even Lilith dared to confront a pissed off Krieg!«

Gaige: »If you thought that Vault monsters, Hyperion, the Cimson Lance or the COV we’re bad… Your in for a nasty suprise… Once his rampage begins it’ll be raining blood. Now you get why I have to find a way to bring back Maya?«

YES! YES! PLEASE, BRING HER BACK! I’M TO UGLY AND TO PATHETIC TO DIE BY A CHAINSAW BUZZ-AXE!!! (crying).

Gaige: »Glad we came to an aggrement.«

(sobbing) Can we p-please change the subject (sniff). I’m not felling well…

Gaige: »Okay! What about?«

Can you now give us the hot scoop you said you had?

Gaige: »Oh, sure… Get this…«

Gaige: »I intercepted a high prioprity message on the Maliwan channel betwen a reserch team and Mr. Halloway. It mentions they’ve found a vault on one of the uncharted worlds.«

Another one? Any idea where it might be?

Gaige: (sigh) »No… The data is heavy encrypted. So far, I have managed to decypher the words Vault, Life-Force and the Law of Equivalent Exchange.«

Equivalent exchange? What’s that supposed to mean?

Gaige: »I’m not sure… But its worth mentioning that after this message was sent, Maliwan forces descended on Eden 5 and exhumed Marcy Halloways body and moved it to an unknown location. This is just speculation on my part… but I think these two events are connected.«

Hm, since Maliwan is involved I expect a dissaster to happen.

Gaige: »Yeah, that’s a safe bet. Anyway that’s all I got… Now i’m going to read some sentences in no coherent orded… may I?« (wink)

What the hell are y… (beat) Oh! Right, the coded message to the Raider’s. Go ahead.

Gaige: (facepalms) »Thanks, Chuck…« (clears throat)

No I don’t believe in what you say!
You’re just part of what I despise.
Yes you’re part of the ■■■■■■■ system!
I ain’t blind, I can see your lies.
Cos the system thrives on ignorance,
What the public don’t know, they can’t reject,
In the face of you all I stand defiant,
The rest of the people, they wanna forget!

Gaige: »Okay, I’m done.«

(alarms go off!)

What’s that?!?!

Gaige: »Crap! Maliwan found me! Sorry have to go…«

Gaige: »TEAR THEM A NEW ONE , DEATHTRAP!«

(Exited robotic chater followed by gunfire and screams)

Gaige: »ANNNNNNAAAARRRRCCCCHHHHHHHHYYYYY!«

Signal lost…

Awwwwww, even when she kills, she’s still cute.

That’s it for tonight folk’s! Reporting for ECHO News Network I’m Chuck Stake and someone get me a doctor, my ears are still bleeding.

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Good evening universe! Your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Hello, I’m Chuck Stake and since last week, I’m banned for life from the Knitting Club for Senior Citizens.

First… The headline that’s still causing ripple effect’s through the fabric of time and space.

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE ARE BACK!!!

(The entire universe cellebrates in joy, throwing confetti in the air, dancing in the streets, burning down police stations and lynching politicians)

Yes, the band that inspired more rebelions than Bethesda Softwork (after charging a 100$ per year online subscription for the dumpster fire that was Fallout 76… And may the brave souls who stood-up against this, rest in peace).

The band announced a series of dates for 2020, including Indio, California on the two weekends Coachella 2020 has been announced.

The dates were announced under the radar this morning on their social media. Wayne Kamemoto, a longtime associate of the band just said, “The band’s social media is accurate.”

The iconic band, who formed in 1991, haven’t played together since their 2011 L.A. Rising show at the Los Angeles Coliseum.

Boy, those were the days! Remember when they protested PRMC in 93? Ho-Ho, they taped their mouth’s and preformed naked! The best day of my life! You were there too werent ya’ Mike?

What’s that Mike?

No Mike, we didn’t do the same thing.

For starters we weren’t protesting anything… (mumbling) we forgot our clothes… (mumbling) And the audience taped our mouths shut… (mumbling) And the bar manager sued us for public indicency…

(Long akward pause)

Oh… By the way…

My garage band Chuck and The Jerkoff’s landed a gig this friday, 8 a.m. at Moxxi’s bar in Sanctuary 3 . We have bulletproof vest’s ready when the audience inevitably starts shooting at us.

In other news…

A rouge group of monks that split from the Order of the Impending Storm we’re found dead today. The group split from the order after the death of Maya the siren. They claim the order had no interest in finding a way to bring their siren godes back, so the group decided to venture on their own in a quest to bringing Maya back.

After a while of serching and finding no results, they decided to try their luck with demonic magic. They preformed the ussual dark ritual seen in many movies… A dark secluded cellar, human sacrifice, torture, a pentagram on the floor, weird demonic runes, crepy latin chant’s, a deal with the devil, soul harvesting and a golden goblet filled with virgins blood… Where the hell did they found a virgin!? I thought virgins were a myth… like democracy.

Here’s the stinger in this story… It worked! But not how they imagined. The monk’s didn’t bring Maya back, instead they opened a portal that summoned an entity called… “Doomguy”.

The entity (Doomguy) mistaked the monsks as demon worshipers (which they were, tehnicaly speaking) and proceded to butcher them with such savage ferocity that even the inhabitans of the Borderlands universe were horrified. When the bodies were found they were mutilated beyond reckognition. The only thing that gave the investigators an ID for the victims were several tomes from the orders library and a shrine devoted to Maya.

One forensic described the scene as:

»The room was completly covered by blood! The wall’s, the celling the floor… Chunk’s of meat and gore splatered acros the perimeter! We found body parts in places they weren’t suposed to be… Rib cage inside a computer, a neck sticking out of an exaust pipe, a spleen in the sewer… I NEED PSYCHIATRIC HELP!!!«

Good thing I skipped dinner, otherwise I’d throw up now.

Those were the news. Reporting for ECHO News Network this is Chuck Stake and start pilling up that toilet paper, folk’s! For I have solid evidence that toilet paper will be more valuable than money, in the next two years.

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Good evening universe! Your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Welcome I’m still Chuck Stake and I’d like to wang my ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long…

Er… this is embarasing. (cough) Yeah, we’ve got no news to report… But before you change the channel, we do have a special panel for you and they will give you advice if your in a relationship strugle.

Please welcome, live from the ECHOnet… Brick! Axton! Fl4k! And Zane!

Brick: »What’ up?«

Axton: »Ex-Dahl soldier ready for service!«

Fl4k: »Ummmm… Why am I here?«

Zane: »Cheers!« (drinks a shot of wiskey)

Axton: »We’re Vault Haunters! And we’re here to solve your pathetic relationship problems!«

Fl4k: »Aha.«

Okay. First question comes from… Chris from Promethea: “I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now but I still don’t think her parents approve of me. What’s the best way to win them over?”

Axton: »You can’t!«

Fl4k: »Do it again…«

Axton: »You are banging his daughter! He’s never gonna like you. That’s a fight your never gonna win… my advice would be… eeeeee… Kill him.«

Zane: »But make shure your girlfriend talks him into taking out a hefty life insurance policy, before you do that.«

Brick: »Slut!«

Question number two comes from Willie from Eden-6: “Hey, Vault Hunters! I really like dogs and this girl I’m interested in is alergic to them. Should I still try to be with her or should I find a different girl? I like this one.”

Brick: »If your really love dogs… then just love dogs. Ditch the girl, stick with the dog’s! Obvious.«

Fl4k: »But if he loves the dog and the girl at the same time… coudn’t he have a…«

Axton: »I think it has a lot to…«

Fl4k: »…three-some?«

Brick: »Sounds great when you think about it, but never work’s out.«

Fl4k: »Never happenes, does it?«

Zane: »Nope.« (drink another shot)

Axton: »I didn’t know these questions we’re coming from prisoners.«

Next question comes from Anna on Pandora: “I just wanna hear some suggestions on where I can meet new people.”

Zane: »Well, Anna if you’d looked in the mirror you would notice that your a woman and don’t need sex advice. All you have to say is “Sex please, now!”«

Brick: »Yes! People can be outside and sometimes they’re inside. So, go to these two places.«

Axton: »That’s narrowed it down considerably.«

Zane: »Way to put a fine point to it, Brick.«

Next question comes from Brother Deltis on Athenas: “I am ECHOnet dating and I’m not getting any hits on my profile site… So, do you have any advice how I can spice up my profile? What shoud I do?”

Axton: »You know, the great thing about the ECHOnet, is that you can lie your ass off. So, why don’t you remove that ugly mug you call a face and replace it with… oh, I don’t know, mmmm… ME, SHIRTLESS?«

Last question comes from Dylan from Hermes: “Yeah, I just wan’t to know how to get laid on the first date.”

Axton: »Beat your date on the head with a piece of heavy mining equipment and hog-tie her.«

Zane: »Obvious.«

Fl4k: »Only logical conclusion.«

Brick: »The only anwser.«

There you have it folk’s, that’s all for today. Reporting for ECHO News Network is Chuck Stake and I think Jesus built my hotrod.

Axton: »I hope I offended someone!«

Good evening universe! Your listening to ECHO News Network with Chuck Stake.

Welcome! I’m Chuck Stake and a philosophical question: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Here’s the latest news…

A new study from Eden-5 university has confirmed; that listening to Dr. Patricia Tannis longer than five minutes, makes human beings start praying for a nuclear holocaust.

Promethean police department discovered that homicide victims rarely speak to them.

“We hate Maliwan,” say 9 of 10 Maliwan employees.

“Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive”. Huh, so what was I doing wrong?

“Pandorans suspected of using their feet to travel,” like how? By putting one-foot Infront of another? Amateurs.

Today, a young man on Promethea (high on Eridium dust) realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and that we are all one consciousness expressing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and you are the imagination of yourself.

(Chuck is so touched he sheds a tear of joy.)

And now here’s Mike with the weather!

(Camera turns to Mike)

Mike: The weather sucks!

Well… That was informative.

(Then out of nowhere, the ship suffers a power outage)

What in the?! Are we being hacked again?

(Emergency generators kick in, illuminating the ship once more)

Technician#1: (Staring at the monitor) Not this time Chuck. It’s seems something went wrong in the reactor core.

And?
Technician#2: Hold your horses. I’ve sent down Mike to investigate. He should be back any minute now.

(Mike opens the door wide open with a kick and quite pissed off)

Mike: Who’s the idiot using the reactor, to dry his dirty underwear?!

Oh! I’ve been looking for them since yesterday! Thanks!

(The entire crew facepalms)

Technician#2: Chuck…

Technician#2: Do you realize what you did?!

Errrrrrr… Dried my underwear?

Technician#1: No, skag for brains!

Technician#1: You broke a 200-billion-dollar fusion core with dirty underpants!!!

So? There’s nothing that duct tape and chewing gums can’t fix.

Technician#1: IT’S MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT!!!

Mike: (groan) How long will the generators last?

Technician#2: Two hours, tops.

What happens after that?

Technician#2: (rolls his eyes) Were stranded in space, Chuck.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I’ve got a date tonight! The first one in years. I can’t miss that! Especially since she’s the red-head from the mall. You’ve seen her before, guys! You know, the one with the eyepatch, a peg leg and gang tattoos?

Technician#1: Get your priorities straight! Dumbass.

Technician#2: Fortunately, were near a settled planet. Maybe we can find someone who can help.

Mike: Good. I need some time away from captain crazy. (looks at Chuck)

What? You talking about me?

Technician#1: As long, as we aren’t landing on Pandora…

Technician#2: Um, yeah… About that…

Technician#1: Don’t tell me were landing on Pandora! Just… DON’T!!!

Technician#2: Okay! We’re not.

Technician#1: You were lying, weren’t you?

Technician#2: …Yes.

Will be continued after a short break…

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The story continues…

(One hour, two fistfights and seven broken teeth later… The blimp shaped ship of ECHO News Network lands on Pandora)

Mike: Pandora… The last place I ever wanted to be.

Technician#1: Where did you land us?

Technician#2: At one of the Crimson Raiders outposts… Roland’s Rest. The guy in charge Vaughn is with them. He’s might know someone who can fix the reactor.

I’m starving. Is there any food out there?

Technician#1: Only if you want to contract Botulism.

It does sound like a fine fondue.

(The entire crew facepalms, again)

(Early Pandora morning, sun rises, crew of four open their ships entry hatch. In search for help, their encounter with gore has just begun.)

(They are horrified by what they see, frozen, unable to move…)

(The outpost burned to the ground, smoke rising towards the sky, the statues of Roland and Bloodwing tipped over, splattered in blood. Mangled and chopped bodies of Crimson Raiders, COV, local residents and wildlife liter the barren Pandora’n landscape.)

(A Crimson Raider was impaled on the wheel of a technical, as his skull became part of the dashboard. A local’s neck was sticking out from a gas tank. A COV cultist was sawn in half. A festering Bullymong lay rotting with its limbs torn. A recently skinned thresher still emits heat after burned alive. A pile of skags with their heads torn open. A Goliath hanging from the tree, by his intestines. It was a sight of sadistic butchery.)

(Then, they hear the most horrifying, blood-chilling, glutaral scream. A scream powerful enough to separate souls from their bodies, a scream the devil himself fears, a scream that can kill ten-thousand Vault monsters…)
???: SSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Technician#1: HOLLY F*****G SKAG-HUMPER!!!

Technician#2: BACK IN THE SHIP!!! BACK IN THE SHIP!!!

(The crew ran into their ship and barricaded themselves faster than, when your wife tells you “Honey! It’s the police and they have a search warrant. And those two hundred kilos of cocaine are still on the table in the living room.”)

S**t!!! We have to get out of this place!!!
HELLO! ANYONE?! THIS IS CHUCK STAKE!!! I’M STRANDED ON PANDORE WHERE SOMETHING IS KILLING THE ENTIRE PLANET EVEN MORE THAN USSUAL! PLEASE SAVE ME!!! I’M TO OLD AND UGLY TO DIE!!!

Mike: Chuck, that’s a banana you’re talking into.

Oh… Never mind. Then I’ll curl myself into fetal position and suck my thumb.

Mike: (facepalm)

Technician#2: (groan) Let me handle this…

ALERT! THIS THIS IS ECHO NEWS NETWORK TRANSMISHION SHIP. WERE STRANDED ON PANDORA AND NEED HELP FIXING OUR REACTOR CORE. BE AWARE THAT SOME UNKNOWN KILLING MACHINE IS DESTROYING EVERITHING ON THE PLANET (HARD AS IT IS TO BELIVE…).

(Complete silence, even the usual white noise isn’t present)

Technicia#2: Alert! Did anyone hear me?!

Technician#2: Is this thing working? (Starts to disassemble the two-way radio…)

Technician#2: What the…?! TACOS?!?!

UHHHHH, I’ve been looking all over for them.

Technician#2: I’ll kill you…

(Technician#2 strangles Chuck until Mike intervenes)

Mike: Stop It, both of you! We can kill him latter, but right now we have to avoid getting killed by whatever is out there!

Technician#2: (mumbles) Fine…

(Then the ship shakes violently, turning on her side, then on her head… Something must have rammed at it. But what is powerful enough to flip over thousand tons of metal?)

Technician#1: Urrrrrrr… Anyone still alive?

Technician#2: …N-no…

Mike: I think I’ve broken a bone… Or all of them.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My beutifull haircut is ruined!!! How am I now supposed to go on a date!!!

Mike: That does It! I quit! No money in the existence can compensate to clean after your whiny ass!

Technician#1: Here’s my previous paycheck… Shove it up your ass! I quit too!

Technician#2: Eat s**t, Chuck!

Wait! You can bee serious to abandon me at a time like this!

Mike: Watch us…

(The squabble was interrupted when a sound of a chainsaw started revving, then the entire ship started to vibrate as if someone is cutting a hole on the hull. And for some weird reason a laser beam started shooting from someplace!)

Technician#1: Hold on… First a chainsaw, now vibration and a freaking laser beam?! What the hell is going on here?

(Then Chucks conscience’s returns him in the past when he interviewed Gaige, and recalls her saying: “You know what else he was working on? A freaking chainsaw buzz-axe, with lasers!”)

(Chuck went pale, his irises shrunk, his blood turned into ice, paralyzed by fear. He spent the last bit of his sanity to mutter one word…)

………. It………It……………. It………………It’s Krieg!

Mike: K-Krieg?!?!?! (Pulls out his gun and shoots himself in the head)

Technician#1: K-Krieg?!?!?! (Drinks a bottle of rat poison)

Technician#2: K-Krieg?!?!?! (Grabs a long knife and guts himself. Where did he even get that knife?)

(From a short distance a loud clang of falling metal is heard, followed by a dreaded nonsensical rant)

Krieg: I’M GONNA SLIT YOUR THROAT AND SHOVE MY MEAT BYCICLE DOWN THE WOUND!!!

(Chuck, now standing alone among the bodies of his co-workers, still can’t move, sweat starts dropping from his forehead as heavy stomps echo louder and louder… Interrupted by occasional rants.)

Krieg: NIPPLE SALAD!!!

(THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP…)

Krieg: RESHAPING HUMAN FACIAL TISSIUE!!!

(THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP…)

Krieg: I RIP OUT YOUR EYES AND SQEZE THEM IN MY HAND!!!

(THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP…)

Krieg: THE BOVINE HUMAN HEARD… THEY DESERVE TO DIE!!!

(A large silhouette enters the studio. Krieg takes a few steeps forward as the flickering lights reveal his blood and gore splashed body, with an equally bloodied chainsaw buzz-axe!)

(on his knees, stuttering) P-p-pleas-s-se d-d-don’t k-kill m-me!

Krieg: BLEED FOR MY PAIN!!! SCREAM AT MY FACE!!!

PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU!!! I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT! MONEY, BITCHES, CARS, MEAT…

Krieg: MEAT-MAN WANT’S PRETTY LADY BACK!!!

Y-Y-Y-You mean Maya? I-I-I don’t k-know h-h-how to d-do t-that…

(Krieg mutates into a badass psycho; his voice deepens and sounds more glutaral)

Krieg: FIRE UP THE CHAINSAW!!!

(The chainsaw starts reving, he raises his buzz-axe as he towers before Chuck…)

NO!!! MOMMY!!! PLEASSSSEEEE-

(Without a word, Krieg stepped forward and swung. Chuck raised his left arm to block, but the buzz-axe sliced through. The chainsaw slit in-halve the head first, and continued to cut him in down the middle, ripping his flesh and pulverizing bones.)

Krieg: KIIIILLLL!!! KIIIIILLLL!!! KIIIILLLLLLLLL!!!

Epilouge:

Orbiting Pandora, an Atlas shuttle with Zer0 on boar descends to the planets surface. Meanwhile he has a coversation with Gaige over the ECHOnet.

Gaige: “Any sight of Krieg?”

Zer0: /None./

Gaige: “You have to be kidding me! A nine foot psycho who screams “nipple salad’s” should be easy to spot. Where the hell did he go? (groans) I have a bad felling about this.”

Zer0: /Agreed./

Gaige: “Can you send some of your spyes after him? We can cover more ground that way.”

Zer0: /Already done./ Ten on Pandora./ Since last week./

Gaige: “Great! Then patch us throu.”

Zer0: /Impossible./ Reports stoped coming./ 48 hours ago./

Gaige: “What?!”

Deathtrap: (concerned robotic chater).

Gaige: “I’m with DT on this one. Zer0, tell your agents to evacuate!”

Zer0: /To late./ Heading to Pandora./ Will investigate./

Gaige: “On your own?! But what if you encounter Krieg?”

Zer0: / If he’s fallen to hate./ I will grant him peace./ An honoruble death./

Gaige: “Has your circuitry corroded?! You cannot face Krieg on your own! We don’t even know if all Vault Hunters combined would stand a chance against him!”

Zer0: /Better for one to fall./ Than all./

Gaige: “Zer0, no…”

Zer0: /Should I fail./Warn everyone./ And runn./

…SIGNAL LOST…

On some planet/ In Gaiges guerrila camp…

Gaige: Zer0… Zer0?! ZER0!!! Damnit! He broke off.

Deathtrap: (worried robotic chatter)

Gaige: I don’t know DT. If Zer0 fails… I fear for us all.

Gaige: Let’s hope that secret Maliwan Vault is not a big miss. If that fails…

Gaige: …All hope is lost.

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