Hey out there, to all of you mentally insane, fully sadistic, backstabbing marrow eaters, dog food connoisseurs, and parents of frog spawn. And to the rest of you guys out there who don’t fall under the descriptions I use to label my boss.
So, the .5 of you out there who actually care about what’s been up on my side and have been wondering where I’ve been, I’d say blame whatever service out there that hosts this excuse for a sales pitch. But also to not do that, as then the only company that owns the Echonet will come down on you like a solar mirror-arrayed laser. Which is actually what happens. I should know as I headed one of their facilities on contract for a few months.
Anyway, a lot actually has happened on my side of hell. I killed a bunch of skags, wasted a bandit leader or two(or three(fine it was more like 5(ok maybe more, look I lost count after 5))), melted a high ranking Crimson Lance in the most literal sense, snapped a bunch of twiggy aliens in half, and starred in a tentacle porn. On a sidenote, I was declared emotionally dead by a physical surgeon who lost his license who knows how long ago. Well, almost dead, he said I did show emotion on a few subjects we talked about.
What? You thought I’d tell you just like that? No, I only talk about my feelings to people I pay and have no emotional connection to. It’s worked out well for me so far.
If I ever get off this rock I’m going to find the man who put a blade on a Hyperion. I can hear them right now “Well what if they get close hurr huuur?”
IDIOT. WE’RE HYPERION. IF YOU DESIGNED THE GUN CORRECTLY IN THE FIRST PLACE THEY WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO GET CLOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
What more can I say? It shoots rockets. Hm. Well, I guess one bonus a launcher holds over other conventional weaponry is you can’t hear the screaming over the explosions. Titanium linings people, titanium linings.
Ok, I know I just vented a bit about designing Hyperion weaponry with close range encounters in mind so I should probably recite the Hyperion shotgun sales pitch to you.
“Other companies say three’s a crowd, but we at Hyperion feel fine in highly social situations up to numbers of seven! Why tire out your trigger finger when you can get some real “facetime” with seven other business partners in just ONE pull of the trigger?”
Yep. Multiple headshot happiness with the smallest amount of physical exertion, ladies and gentlemen. You’re really missing out.
I don’t have a sales pitch for everything, boss. I was in weapons design, not marketing!
Did you know the acids Hyperion uses are sourced from the extinct Aquator Manatee? Strangely enough, the creature is nothing like the creature it was named after. Looks like a grumpy dolphin until it pulls out its recessed crab claws. Scientists are unsure how many exist in the universe, as they can’t find any. Which makes sense, it’s not as if they’d be allowed in any of Hyperion’s top research labs.
Scopes, whatever. If the only “interesting” feature to mention about a weapon is that it has a scope, you done goofed. I mean, not as bad as I goofed but hey, at least I’m able to feel proud of my work, ok?
Even though it hits a little harder than the corrosive variant I have, this has been gathering dust more than anything else. Reason for that I’ll talk about later.
Swim like a newborn duffel.
Not a lot to say, everybody knows about Longbow grenades after that baseball game/assassination. I’ve been using the corrosive one over the vanilla one because of…
This. It’s not all that much of a difference to what I had before, but I feel like I should at least throw a mention it’s way. This hip decoration has helped me get through so many situations it… well, I’d probably be dead by now without it.
Ok, moving on.
My specialty in weapons design was sniper rifles… I haven’t seen a single one in months. sob I’m… I’m ok. I’ll be… hnnnnnnnng huuuuuuuhhh… ok. I’m cool, I’m cool.
Well, that’s all what I’ve been using lately. Not a lot has happened since I destroyed the Destr-- yeah I’m not finishing that sentence. Eh, just been hanging around New Haven. Been asking Marcus if he has gotten any snipers inHUUUUUUHHHHHhhi’mcoolbecoolron but nothing yet.
Considering he holds a monopoly over this entire planet you’d think at least one would show up. Feh, who am I kidding? Nobody on this dried turd would be able to afford one in the first place, and if anybody did manage to get their grubby little paws on one… well, it probably isn’t leaving their use any time soon. They’re rare and expensive for a good reason.
I’ll admit, I’m getting bored. Nothing much is happening. Nothing is trying to kill me anymore… Everybody around has learned to avoid me by now.
I just wish I had something to do…