How to Save Battleborn: A Slightly Exaggerated Parody

How to Save Battleborn: A Slightly Exaggerated Parody Essay
by Genericktag

There’s been a lot of talk around here about the fate of Battleborn, whether or not Gearbox or 2K failed it, and if there is any way to fix it and get it selling. Now, I’ve been selling video games for years. Every month I go into GameStop and sell back last month’s games for up to $2 in store credit, so I think I’m qualified to speak on this subject. Here are some problems with Battleborn and how I think Gearbox should fix them.

  1. Gearbox wants money for the game. This is obviously a HUGE mistake on their part. All of the world’s most popular games, like League of Legends, Paladins, and those bootleg Disney Princess dental surgery iPhone games are all free to play (or as we in the business call it, F2P). Even though the Season Pass is still months away from being finished, Gearbox should make Battleborn F2P right now, unlock all characters, and give everyone 20,000 in free platinum for signing up. Video games are like hard drugs, you have to give the first 9000 hits away for free if you want to make a profit. You let everyone play through the entire game, and then they’ll want to pay for it.

  2. Battleborn needs more cute female characters. According to a 1994 issue of EGM magazine that I found stashed in my attic, the vast majority of video game players are young, single men. Putting cute female characters in video games helps to attract your core audience. Don’t get me wrong, Battleborn has plenty of female characters, but they have all these complex emotions stemming from things like betrayal, anger, isolation, and fear. I mean come on girls, just because the universe is ending and everyone you’ve ever loved is dead doesn’t mean you can’t put on a pair of tight spandex pants and smile a little bit! How am I supposed to get fully invested in female characters when there are no dirty pictures of them on my favourite adult website, DeviantArt?

  3. After being free and having sexy women in it, the next most important thing about a game is the game. There are certain things that I do like about Battleborn, including the shield/health system and the way that the loot is colour coded from white to orange. But the big problem with Battleborn is that it has way too many characters, and that makes me feel restricted. There should only be 4-6 characters in the game, that you can level up to about 50. Maybe higher in the DLC. And instead of each character having a signature weapon, weapons should randomly spawn from bosses and enemies and be able to be used by any character. Another problem with the characters is that they have way too many skills. I mean, three? Really, how am I supposed to remember all that! I think one action skill is plenty. Of course, this new system would make the PvP very hard to balance, so those modes should be removed to transform Battleborn into a single-player or co-op only game. Gearbox should implement all these changes, then rebrand so that we as gamers know they’ve made good on all their terrible decisions and improved the game. In fact, they should re-name Battleborn entirely. Giving the game a cool new title, like say, “Borderlands 3,” would make it sell like hotcakes!

  4. This may seem like a bit of an aside, but I really think that Randy Pitchford should finally admit that he is literally The Devil. Gearbox should host a special Twitch stream where Randy unveils his true form and reveals himself as Lucifer, the Prince of Lies. This honesty would help to build confidence in Gearbox as a brand, thus directly benefitting Battleborn.

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1 is hard to argue against
2 has been proven accurate
3 I’m on board with as long as I choose the characters who stay
4. Many people would buy if that happened

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(In Christopher Walken voice): We need more cowbell.

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A fine piece of satire. Thank you for the laughs and being able to take the constant barrage of F2P/Borderlands posts in stride. May I offer you an internet high-five?

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An interet high five from THE Solus Scientist! I accept, and I’ll have you know I’m shedding a single manly joy-tear.

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