This is going to be a long, rambling, weirdly personal, and probably overly emotional post - fair warning!
Been playing Battleborn since open beta, Platinum Trophy long ago, almost 1500 hours into the game, coming up on 6000 matches, blah blah blah you’ve heard it all before.
So the point I find myself at is this one - I am a good player.
A damn good player.
I know this.
I know every map like the back of my hand (ok, not the Supercharge maps, yet), I know where myself and my teammates need to be, I know what needs to be done, and when, I always have plenty of assists (passed 35 thousand assists a short while ago), I’m no slouch at securing kills (Angel of Death & Worthy of Song long since achieved), I always keep my team in FatBots and Buildables, etc.
My confidence and self esteem take multiple blows, and I start to feel stupidly resentful, almost every single time I play Battleborn.
Let me tell you why.
I seem to have hit a skill cap.
For whatever reason, I just can not seem to get much better than I currently am.
God knows I try.
I don’t know what it is.
Admittedly, I am no longer a young gamer (turning 34 in 5 days, sheesh) and I have been smoking pot almost every day and drinking faaaaar too frequently for, oh, 21 years now, so I know for a fact that my reflexes and hand eye coordination are nowhere near what they used to be, so there’s that.
I do not have the twitch reflexes and split second responses (not to mention steady aim, my hands shake some) for those crazy jumpy 360 no scope headshot shenanigans.
Honestly, though, this has not been simply limited to Battleborn for me, but basically everything I’ve ever been involved in that involved reflexes and hand eye coordination.
Sports (used to be hard into sports til 18-19ish) I was always mediocre to perhaps slightly above average.
Musical instruments? I can play bass and guitar really badly.
Cooking? I worked in kitchens for two decades (more or less), and was always slower / less efficient than a good portion of my coworkers.
I remember getting owned by my friends as far back as Pong. YES PONG!!!
Put an esoteric, intellectual challenge or something involving computers in some fashion in front of me and I will OWN THAT ■■■■!
I’ll pump out poetry, short stories, reviews, wordy, long Internet posts like no one’s business.
I guess it’s a left brain versus right brain thing?
Is that still even a thing?
Anyway, here is how it is affecting me currently (actually, for a looooooong time):
My group of Battleborn friends (which is a VERY large group, but there are about twenty people whom I consider close, trusted, long-term, personal friends who I chat with, am on mic with, and play with a lot), happens to be composed of some the very best players on PSN.
The chats and communities I am (either those started by myself or those that I have been added or invited to) are filled with even more of the cream of the crop players.
Add on to that the fact that the (relatively) small remaining playerbase in Battleborn possesses a crazy high average skill level.
As well, I know for a fact that a significant portion of the Battleborn community regards me as “the nice guy who knows everyone but isn’t all that good”.
Even some of my friends have admitted to this, but they are awesome and kind enough to play with me anyway.
So, knowing this, why do I still feel so angry / sad / left out / resentful / jealous when I see people getting invited to play before me or I don’t get invited at all?
Or when I see games and sessions with a lot of people I know that I just blatantly wasn’t told about?
I know it isn’t anything personal.
I know a lot of people like me.
I know people just want to have the best chance at winning.
I understand that my chats and communities and unwavering devotion to bringing and keeping the PS4 community together and strong are known and respected.
Hell, even seeing / reading my friends tell each other / post about their advanced skills and epic battle achievements makes me feel envious / sad, like, oh why can’t I do stuff like that?
Now, I know I’m 3000 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag; lifelong (well I guess since puberty) depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, etc, etc.
I am fairly certain I suffer from Histrionic Personality Disorder (as well as probably a couple others), which is, essentially, the pathological need to be constantly liked, loved, included, accepted, validated, reassured, and made to feel wanted.
And if you don’t get those things?
You feel petty damn sad.
This has gotten pretty long!
I guess what I am trying to say is that despite my apparently massive inferiority complex, I love you guys, I love these forums, and I love this game.
It’s a huge testament to the love and awesomeness that abound in this community that I can even come out and make a post like this!
Now…go to town on my fragile psyche!