Simple Battleborn Role Play Thread


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #62

OH YEAH???

Benedict grabs Toby and shoves him into his armpit.

SMELL THAT DELIGHTFUL DEODORANT AND TELL ME I DON’T UNDERSTAND AROMACHOLOGY!!!


(Junk Male ) #63

Ernest sparks a lighter in front of an aerosol can of deodorant, and proceeds to spray in Benedict’s general direction.

He throws a sideways glance at the metaphorical camera and shrugs, grinning. All I ever use this stuff for, ha!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #64

That’s cuz you buy that cheapo crap and that IS all that’s good for!


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #65

Toby sputters and yells into Benedict’s armpit, beating at the hawk’s side with his curled flippers-

-then starts screaming as his tail-feathers ignite.

(Muffled):

DAMN IT, ERNEST!!


(Touched MCHammer) #66

Laughing

Where’s your ocean breeze now Toby!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #67

A WELL GROOMED, WELL PREENED, PROPER SMELLIN’ BUTEONEN IS A SEXY BUTEONEN, AND I MAKE SURE I’M DAMN SEXY BEFORE I LEAVE MY QUARTERS EVERY… DAY!!!

I look good, I smell good, I sound good, an’ I FEEL good. I AM A GODDAMN SENSUAL SYMPHONY OVER HERE!!!


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #68

Toby passes out and goes limp in Benedict’s arm, then starts to dematerialize as his ETB activates. A few moments later, he walks back into the room with a cup of freshly-brewed respawn coffee…

-Which he promptly proceeds to toss in Benedict’s face.

I’M GOING TO HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT STENCH TONIGHT, YOU JERK!!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #69

Benedict activates an overshield which deflects the coffee onto Ernest’s makeshift flamethrower. Somehow this only makes the flamethrower more powerful.

DEFLECTE----OHHHHOOOOLY CRAP!!!

Benedict lifts off sideways to avoid getting singed by the resulting flames.

What the hell’d you put in that sh*t?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #70

Toby just stares meekly at the flames seconds before they envelop him again, then starts screaming and rolling across the floor.

WHY?!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #71

Toby reenters again after respawning, Benedict grabs him by the shoulders.

AW SH*T THAT’S AWESOME! IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE PUT AN INCENDIARY CONTACT DETONATOR ON IT AN’ PUT IT ON A ROCKET!!! OR A GRENADE!!!

His eyes go wide.

Aw… SH*T!!! WE GOTTA MYTHBUST THIS CRAP! TOBY! GET COFFEE!!! ERNEST!!! GET MORE OF THAT GARBAGE DEODORANT!!! I’M GONNA GO GET SOME INCENDIARY DETONATORS!!! KIDS, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME! WE’RE WHAT YOU CALL “PROFESSIONALS!”

Benedict runs from the room in excitement.

FROM THE HALL:
NOVA!!! NOVA!!! CAN WE BORROW A SPACE TO SURFACE MISSILE FOR SCIENCE?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #72

(Yelling after Benedict):
REGULAR OR DECAF?!


(Junk Male ) #73

Ernest: You kidding? That’s how ya get the ladies, puke! Ladies luuuuuurve the smell of a man that’s been working up a sweat. So ya buy cheap sh*tty stuff that don’t deodorize worth a damn, and ya hit the gym before ya hit up the bar, and blam.

Ernest aims finger guns at where Benedict was standing before he started his monologue, realizes he’s running down the corridor shouting something about a missile, and faceclaws.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #74

FROM THE HALL:
BOTH!!! HOW THE HELL ARE WE GONNA KNOW WHICH ONE’S BETTER IF WE DON’T FULLY TEST THIS USIN’ PROPER SCIENCE!!???

I HEARD THAT!!! DON’T FACECLAW ME A**HOLE!!! NOW GET DOWN HERE AN’ HELP ME BLOW SH*T UP WITH FIRE! FOR SCIENCE!


(Junk Male ) #75

Ernest: HOW IN THE FCK DID YOU HEAR THAT! THAT SHT WAS DEAD SILENT! IT WAS THE STEALTHIEST GODDAMN FACECLAW IN THE HISTORY SOLUS!

He reluctantly eases out of his lawn chair and jogs off after Benedict. Somebody’s gotta keep them alive, I suppose… Yeah, that sounds like a good excuse.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #76

Toby waddles over to a nearby couch, climbs up onto it, makes himself comfortable, and pulls out a tin of kippers and a Finisci porno magazine.

(Muttering)
Those idiots can get their own coffee; I’ve died enough times today…


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #77

Benedict can be seen further down the hall trying to pull a gigantic space to surface missile from the armory with nothing but his bare claws. He very slowly, but with frightening excitement manages to pull the thing about a quarter of the way through the door, then loses momentum and lifts off tugging on the missile in an attempt to get it moving again.

BENEDICT:
WE’RE GONNA SCIENCE THE SH*T OUT OF A SMALL MOON!!!


(Junk Male ) #78

Ernest wanders and scratches his head with his can of deodorant.

Ernest: Which one? There’s tons of the little things!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #79

Which deodorant or which moon?!


(Junk Male ) #80

Ernest: Yes.

Ernest whips out a large duffel bag full of cheap deodorant cans and tosses it at Benedict.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #81

We’ll have to fire a different missile for each combination of deodorant and coffee!

Benedict counts the cans in the bag.

Ok… so it looks like you’ve got 27 varieties of cheap ass deodorant… times two for decaf… WE’RE GONNA NEED 54 MISSILES NOVA!!!

NOVA:
The ship’s compliment does not have that many missiles in storage.

BENEDICT:
WE NEED 54 TO DO THE EXPERIMENT PROPER DAMMIT!!! STOP STANDIN’ IN THE WAY OF SCIENTIFIC ACHIEVEMENT WITH YER SKEPTICISM!!!