Simple Battleborn Role Play Thread


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #162

The unsuspecting Oscar Mike sits and… “writes” in his diary.

OSCAR MIKE:
DEAR DIARY!!! SOMEONE PUT SPIDERS IN MY ARMOR AGAIN!!! LIST OF SUSPECTS… BENEDICT!!! BECAUSE WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE!!! NOW NEED TO THINK OF REVENGE!!! HOW ABOUT… GIANT BEES! YEAH!!!


(Super Badass Constructor ) #163

Queue slow-mo epic music mode as the Boom Bot’s cheerfully charge into the room Oscar Mike is in, arming themselves for the impending Explorgy of Love…


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #164

Cue Oscar Mike slow motion turning in shock, then throwing his diary on the ground and leaping on top of it to protect it from the coming explosions.

The slow-mo then stops.

OSCAR MIKE:
Wait… OR… I could just shoot them before they get here! THAT’S A WAY BETTER PLAN!!!

Oscar Mike grabs his rifle and begins shooting the boom bots instead.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #165

And the Boom Bot’s die in an anti-climatic way. Now no one will know how an explorgy works…


(Touched MCHammer) #166

Back on tempest our heroes and a headless Kid Ultra begin the most holy of crusades to obtain chocolate milk

Attikus: Shouldn’t be much longer 'til we reach the grocery store, remember we’re here for the chocolate milk and I give you the full right to exercise lethal force to obtain this chocolate milk. Do you understand this?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #167

TOBY:
Yeah, b-but… Why did you kidnap me for this again, Attikus…? YOU COULD HAVE JUST ASKED!!

Uh… S-Sorry for yelling…


(Touched MCHammer) #168

Attikus: Because we need a distraction and you wouldn’t have agreed if I told you that you’d be a distraction.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #169

Toby narrows his eyes.

TOBY:
That better not mean what it meant last time! I AM NOT PUTTING THAT SAILOR OUTFIT ON AGAIN, I DON’T CARE HOW DELICIOUS THAT CHOCOLATE MILK IS!!


(Touched MCHammer) #170

Attikus:
No you’re supposed to keep the children preoccupied while we take the entire stock of chocolate milk.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #171

Toby growls angrily, about to go on a tirade of denial regarding his cute appearance, but then stops and assumes a thoughtful look while rubbing his chin-feathers with a flipper. He then looks back at Attikus.

TOBY (flatly):
I want every kipper tin in that building.


(Touched MCHammer) #172

Attikus:
That can be arranged.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #173

TOBY (flatly):
Then we have a deal…

Toby assumes his cutest expression out of muscle memory.

TOBY (cutesy):
Can ooo point me to da childwen, pwetty pwease…?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #174

One of the children suddenly rushes forward and just narrowly avoids jamming a fork into Toby’s flipper. Attikus pushes him back.

ATTIKUS:
NO!!! I said Toby was a FRIEND!

THRALL CHILD:
But I hungwy!!!

ATTIKUS:
NO, DAMMIT!!! YOU CAN HAVE CHOCOLATE MILK AND HARRESBURRA ON A STICK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!


(Super Badass Constructor ) #175

And another thrall kid runs up to Attikus doing the pee-pee dance.

UNCLE ATTI I GOTTA GO PEEPEES!


(Touched MCHammer) #176

Attikus:
We’ll go to the restroom when we get there.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #177

the pee-pee dance intensifies…

GOTTA GO NOW GOTTA GO NOW GOTTA GO NOW.


(Touched MCHammer) #178

Attikus:

We’re not able to right now!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #179

Another thrall child runs up and pokes Attikus.

THRALL CHILD:
EWWW!!! THE BIRDIE’S PEEING ON LAND!!!


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #180

Toby quickly kicks dirt over the wet spot with one of his feet.

TOBY:

LIES AND SLANDER!!


(Super Badass Constructor ) #181

Suddenly the pee-pee dance stops and the child’s eyes twitch and start to glow red. If you thought a human child’s tantrum was bad, get a load of this! The kid rips his shirt off Hulk Hogan style and lets out a bestial roar. His jaw distends to its maximum allowance and hollers at the top of his lungs…

GOTTA GO PEE PEE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW

Then the kid rips off his pants, walks over to Attikus on all fours, lifts his rear leg, and pisses on Attikus’ leg