The Advice Column

Excerpt from “The Love Baroness,” an advice column in the popular women’s holo-magazine “Cosmic Politan.” Volume 43, Issue 3.

Dear Love Baroness,

I’ve been crushing on this really, really cute guy at work for a long time now, but I recently found out that he has a crush on our boss. I feel like I’ve tried everything to get his attention! I sent him love letters and wrote poetry about him. I even tried to impress him by making him watch me eat a Blissbug, but he just ignored me and went back to working on his super cool death mech! Is there anything I can do to get him to notice me?

Signed,
Lonely Witch

P.S. I also have a really good Blissbug recipe now. Is there a magazine I can send that to?
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Dear Lonely Witch,

You have asked the right person! I know how to get men’s attention. Seriously, there’s this video game forum I came across and you should see the kind of things they’ve been writing about me there…but I digress.

These are uncertain times, and the modern man is looking for a partner that is capable and trustworthy. That’s probably why your boss has caught this gentleman’s eye. But fear not, because there is a solution, and that solution is swords! For only 1500 credits, you can attend fencing classes at the LLC Academy. There you will learn how to use MageTech™ sword technology to defend yourself and your loved ones from any imaginable threat! Just imagine the look on your crush’s face when you come to him, swords in hand, proving yourself as a strong and reliable woman!

Yours Truly,
The Love Baroness
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Dear Love Baroness,

I’m a shy guy with a problem. There’s a girl at work who’s got a crush on me, but she kind of creeps me out and I’m already interested in someone else. I want to let her down easy because she tends to set things on fire when she’s mad. How do I get out of this situation without third degree burns?

Please help,
Frightened Finiscian
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Dear Frightened,

Have you considered trying swords?

Ta-ta,
The Love Baroness

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