TOBY:
He’s my friend!
Umm… Do you have fifty credits i can borrow…? Pam has my wallet…
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BENEDICT:
DON’T YOU DARE GIVE THAT A**HOLE MONEY!!!
HOMELESS LUNATIC AUDIENCE MEMBER: (Still talking out of his butt)
NO!!! DO DO IT!!! STUFF IT IN MY MOUTH!!!
A pause.
HOMELESS LUNATIC AUDIENCE MEMBER: (Still talking out of his butt)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I said do do. Ha!
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Meanwhile, over in the simulated bar in Tannis’ lab, Pam keeps stuffing bills from Toby’s wallet in MoXXXi’s tip jar, despite her being a hologram and not needing the tips.
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MOXXXI:
Well sugah, you really know how to treat a lady with respect. Keep this up an’ you’re sure to top this night off with a happy ending.
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TANNIS: Pam, why don’t we go have some fun with the rest of our friends? I have saved and backed up all our work here, we can pick it back up anytime. Do you want to grab some drinks and snacks for the road, hop on the Party Patrol Cruiser, and have Claptrap here chaffeur us over to the ATAH set?
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MOXXXI: But…but…my tits! I mean tips!
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CL4P-TP:
HA!!! SUCKS TO BE YOU MOXXXI!!! ME AND MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO ENJOY A… CLAPPY… ENDING! Wub wub wub…
CL4P-TP begins dancing and clapping, much to Moxxi’s annoyance.
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Pam gives the Bullymong hologram a thoughtful look rendered slightly crooked by alcohol.
PAM:
Hm, okay… let’s at least check in.
Pam grabs a bowl and begins scooping up extra kippers to bring back.
Pam represses a shudder at the mental image that phrase conjures in her booze-soaked brain.
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Tannis digistructs one cooler full of Blue Bliss bottles and another full of portions of Skag Bites & Kippers, individually sealed. She loads it into the back storage area and gestures for Pam to join her in the back row of seats
TANNIS: (drunkenly, too loudly, slurred) Claptrap, mighty shtallion - TO THE ATAH SHET! AWAY!
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CL4P-TP attempts to pull the Party Patrol Cruiser.
He makes heavy lifting grunting noises.
CL4P-TP attempts to pull the Party Patrol Cruiser again.
CL4P-TP:
Seriously? Tannis, LOSE SOME WEIGHT!
CL4P-TP continues to struggle in vain to pull the Party Patrol Cruiser.
CL4P-TP:
Holy F%#$$#!!! What the hell have you been EATING!?
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PAM (giggling):
Skag Bites!
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Tannis is shocked, offended, deeply insulted. Her weight has never been an issue! And Pam is about as svelte as a Finisci can get! This was absurd! Uncalled for! What was Claptrap’s problem all of a sudden?
the huge amounts of alcohol in Tannis’ system was, of course, forcefully preventing her from remembering that her and Pam had been gorging on sugary, calorie laden cocktails and large amounts of fried / salted food for many hours now
TANNIS: WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, CRAPTRAP??? Had I not assigned you the task of maintaining this vehicle?!? You must have damaged the suspension!
something rather glaringly obvious occurs to the drunken scientist just then
TANNIS: Why are you trying to pull the Cruiser, you buffoon of a bot?!? Put on your chaffeur uniform and drive it! Of course you cannot lift it! I hope I do not need to wipe your programming and start over after this, Claptrap!
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CL4P-TP just stands there staring at Tannis silently for a full minute.
Then…
CL4P-TP:
Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh…
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TANNIS: Did I neglect to provide you with that bit of programming, little buddy? Let me remedy that for you real quick!
using her handy bicorder ( LLC LEGAL LAWYER BOT: You see! F^ck you, estate of Gene Roddenberry! We avoided calling it a tricorder again!!! You shan’t be suing us a fifth time! Oh…wait…I said the T-word again, didn’t i? Prepare the paperwork for a fifth round of court proceedings, A5515T0-BOT!), Tannis remotely downloads all 257 “Not So Grand Stealing of Conveyances” games into Claptrap’s memory banks
TANNIS: Now, drive, I say! DRIVE!
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CL4P-TP hops into the driver’s seat and immediately…
CL4P-TP:
I can’t reach the gas pedal! Wait… well… I can… but…
CL4P-TP immediately hits the gas and slams the Party Patrol Cruiser into the nearest wall.
CL4P-TP:
…I can’t see where I’m going. Hey, who the hell designed this thing? Mister Torgue?
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Tannis sighs with frustrated exasperation. She knew there was a reason that she had put off creating a Claptrap facsimile for so long. Upending the beverage cooler and emptying its contents onto the floor of the Cruiser’s back seat, she tosses the empty cube up into the front of the vehicle. Grabbing some of the Bliss bottles that her and Pam have emptied since boarding the vehicle, she tosses a few of those up front, as well
TANNIS: Why must this be so hard? Sit on the cooler, and attach those empty bottles to your limbs for extra reach!
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after much confusion, shouting, Twister style twisting and reaching around, and only a relatively small amount of crying, the ladies are able to figure out a way for the bot to effectively drive the Cruiser. The bot drives while the female companions imbibe more food and drink. Soon enough, they arrive on the ATAH set to find it in an unsurprising state of heightened chaos
TANNIS: (sighs) Why am I not surprised…?
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Toby spots Pam sitting next to Tannis in the back of the scientist’s cruiser, which is being driven by some funny-looking robot that Toby sudddenly has the strangest and most unexplainable feeling of friendship for. Toby waddles up to the cruiser, and is suddenly hit by the smell of liqour. He sees that the too ladies are drunk, and shoots Pam a look of concern.
TOBY:
Pam, where were you? Are you okay? What have you been up to? Uh… Besides drinking?
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Pam grins and offers Toby some of the salted kippers.
PAM:
We’re fine, driving issues aside… (gestures to Claptrap) But Tannis and I have been working on a surpriiiiize…
She giggled and looks around at the set, raising an eye-feather at Benedict, his ladle, and his new homeless friend.
PAM:
Are you okay out here?
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TOBY (while eating the salted kippers):
Mmm- Yeah, i’m fine; better now that i know you’re okay! What surprise? Oh man- Mmm -are you mad that i’m prying? Sorry… Who’s the new magnus?
6 Likes