TONY: Now, If I could know me…
TONY: (panically) Nonononono, calm yer nerves, don’ ya pass out on me nao.
TONY: Whew! Fer a moment A thought… Good, good. Now, where do we start wyd thys…
TONY: (avid ) The chips! Yes, the kipper stuff. They produce it around here, there’s gotta be adress or sumthin’. Do you still have the bag?
Pam squawks with surprise but catches the bottle, opening it up and taking a swig.
PAM:
Yes! First, Sober Town! Then, maybe a nap! And then… (her eyes blaze with determination) …the kitchen!
She stuffs some kippers in her beak and then washes them down with another swig of water.
Toby frantically waddles over to the Hyperion Snack and Experimentation Bar, pushes the strange, new robot out of the way- apologizing as he does so -and then belly-slides under Constructor Bot in his haste. He quickly grabs a bag of his preferred kipper chip brand, then returns to the set. He scans the bag with wide eyes, desperate to find the info he needs to locate Tony.
Toby reads the name “Akopos”, and gasps in shock; how had he never noticed that before?!
TOBY (excited):
Tony, are you on Akopos?! Are those crab-things you keep running into actual crabs?!
TONY: Hmm. Akopos. Akopos? Never heard of it. If it is a highly radioactive wasteland, wyd periodical mud falls an’ a mutated wildlife then ya found me… now where exactly A am on this Akup…, Akara, what was this name again?
TOBY (in a defeated tone):
Akopos, Tony… It’s Alani and Pendles’ homeworld, and it’s not a wasteland; it’s a water world…
Toby sighs sadly, tosses the bag of kippers to the side, and plops down on the floor with his head buried in his flippers.
VIRAL ADVERTISING AI THAT SNUCK INTO NOVA’S NETWORK WHEN A CERTAIN CREW MEMBER WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS WAS SEARCHING THE HOLOWEB FOR ‘BOUNTIFUL BUETONEN BIRD BEAK BREAST BACON BUKKAKE’: So you say you’ve got CRABS?!? Stop letting those little clawed bastards ruin your sex life! You have better things to be doing with your hump time! Call 1-800-F-U-CRABS to order our top of the line, guaranteed effective, anti-crab shampoo and tweezers! Proudly endorsed and sponsored by August Benedict!
VOICEOVER BENNY: 1 - 2 - 3 and you’re crab free! It’s THAT simple! ( still recording) Jackasses! Now where’s my money? And my free samples? Uh, is this thing still on…?
( @benedict_87 )
TANNIS: (shaking herself awake from her unplanned nap in the back seat of the Cruiser) Kitchen…? Did somebody say kitchen?!? I have, got, like, a million recipes I have been meaning to try!
TONY: Wait, that’s the front ya holdin. Is there anythin’ on the back?
the loud chirping noise arises in the background
TONY: Holly boloney, what-was-that?
…
TONY: (nervous) Oh, no! The marking beacon
Corporal Mulcahy: (Capt. Tom Everett’s voice) This is Corporal Mulcahy of the Peecekeeping Republics Bio-Chem Incident Response task force. We have the reasons to belive the detritus area designated as Duston agricultural region has become the potential focal point of hyperrabies virus microbe and PRBCIR command has ordered the performance of series of surgical strikes on a potential sites of viral activity. The surrounding area has been designated for the tactical strike and in the following minute will be vaporized. If you are a sane and healthy person, please evacuate away from the marker flare.
to himself
TONY: (jovial) Oh yes, now A member, it’s called Duston Chips Factory, A pillaged their dumpsters back an forth…wai, what?!
Corporal Mulcahy: (Capt. Tom Everett’s voice) Hold it, hold it…I have just been informed
barely audible voice in the backgroud
TONY: Whew! Fer a moment A thought…
Corporal Mulcahy: (Capt. Tom Everett’s voice) …a hypperabies is in fact a virus, like the name suggests, not a microbe. I sincerely apologize for mis-in-fo… Aw, screw it, they will all die a horrible and painful death anyway.
zip sound
TONY: Oh sh…!
transmission interrupted
TANNIS: (drunk, out of it, overstimulated, half-asleep, rambling) A lot of the recipes use Skag. Skag is sooooo versatile. You can barbecue Skag, boil Skag, broil Skag, bake Skag, sauté Sksg. There is…uh, Skag-kabobs, Skag creole, Skag gumbo. There is pan fried Skag, deep fried Skag, stir-fried Skag. There is pineapple Skag, lemon Skag, coconut Skag, pepper Skag, Skag soup, Skag stew, Skag salad, Skag and potatoes, Skag burger, Skag sandwich…
That…that is about it.
TOBY (hysterical):
Tony…? TONY!! Oh man…! Oh GEEZ…!! Guys, we need to get to the Duston Chips Factory! SOMEONE TAKE ME THERE NOW!! G-Guys…?
I-I’LL… Oh man…
Toby faints.
hearing the frantic urgency in Toby’s voice, Tannis forces herself to sit up and wrenches her mind back to reality. She dumps a bottle of water over her head and injects herself with a stim from the Party Cruiser’s first aid kit
TANNIS: My science vessel is prepped and ready if we need it!
Tannis notices that the frenetic Finisci has fainted
TANNIS: Pam, would you care to administer this stimulant to your husband?
( @mythicfox )
NOVA: Commander, we finally have an actual location for Tony, the rogue Finisci and Toby’s cousin, who has been holoprojecting in here for quite some time now to assist with the ATAH.
He is somewhere in the vicinity of the Duston Chip Factory in the Detritus Ring. Unfortunately, that sector of the Ring is currently under lockdown by the UPR for an alleged space rabies outbreak. Can you use your connections to gain us access?
The claptrap knock off hasty wheels over to the gang and starts to get excited
OH OH CAN I COME.
Meanwhile at the Hyperion Snack and Experimentation Bar, a traumatized Constructor huddles in the back coner of the kitchen, utterly confused, enraged, and slightly terrified that what look to be a claptrap unit is on board the station. Somthing is slightly off about that thing, yet it’s personality is frightingly close to the real thing… Constructor just wants a nice shiny object and a couch of contentment right now… Thankfully the claptrap thing suddenly got distracted by somthing and left the big bot alone.
As the drama with Tony unfolds and they find out about the impending bombing of Tony’s location, Pam listens intently, eyes wide, flippers covering her beak. She is enraptured by the scenario.
Pam eeeps and catches him, the adrenaline from all this going on doing a lot to mitigate the alcohol for the moment.
PAM:
Toby! Toby! Wake up!
PAM:
Thanks!
She gently lays Toby down and takes the stim, looking over the directions, muttering to herself ‘Okay, do I bring it down in the stabbing motion once or three times, I never get that… ah.’ She proceeds to apply the stimulant – without stabbing motions at all, now that’s progress! – and waits to see if it does the trick.
TANNIS: If there has indeed been a Space Rabies outbreak…well, I do not know whether it would be exactly the same, but, back on Pandora, I once had to bioengineer a retrovirus / antidote to a nasty, virulent airborne strain of enhanced rabies that had been sealed away in an underground Dahl testing facility that the inhabitants of a small town were unfortunate enough to stumble upon while searching for a new water source. I could synthesize it again easily enough.
The homeless lunatic begins crying and farting out “Taps” for the “fallen admiral.” Benedict wanders off towards Toby.
BENEDICT:
Yeah. No. I’m done. I’m out. What the hell’re you guys doin’?
BENEDICT:
Ah f**k it. I’ll help. I ain’t got nothin’ better to do… right after I change my boots an’ throw this sh*t in the incinerator.
LARRY:
And I’m coming too!
BENEDICT:
OH DEAR EAGLE NO!!! JUST WHEN I HAD STARTED TO SETTLE INTO THE BLISSFUL IGNORANCE OF FORGETTIN’ YA EXIST!!!
Larry begins touching his bare eyeball with his talon.
BENEDICT:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ernest eases himself out of his deckchair with all the grace of a 4-year-old piece of chewing gum being chiseled from under a desk, and brushes chip crumbs off his flak vest.
Ernest: If he’s goin’, I’m goin’.
Larry: But daaaaaaaad…
Ernest: Don’t even try it, puke. You’re barely old enough to come even if I am coming with.
WHAT ABOUT ME? I WANT TO COME TOO!
the not claptrap jumps up and down in front of the strange bird men
HELLOOOOO? CAN I COME CAN I COME?
TANNIS: Claptrap? Claptrap…? Where have you gotten off to now?!? You imbecilic, wire-brained, little…
Tannis grumbles and begins searching the ATAH set for the wandering robot
Toby sits up straight as the stimulant kicks in, restoring him to consciousness. His eyes are wide and he pants heavily, as his little heart (bless it) is racing. He needs a moment to process where he is, what happened to him, and the first thing he sees once he’s fully cognizant of his surroundings is…
TOBY:
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pam gently shakes him.
PAM:
Toby! Toby! Get a grip! That’s just Larry.
Toby suddenly turns and spots Pam, still a little freaked.
TOBY:
Oh man, Pam, what happened? I was having some sort of dream that we found Tony and there was a robot, and kippers, and John Travolta was there.
PAM:
Technically, those things kind of happened. But we found Tony. He’s apparently at the factory that makes your kipper chips. Everyone’s putting together a rescue party. Me, I’m planning to finish sobering up and baking… something for Tony to welcome him back.
TOBY (eyes wide):
So he is coming back?
PAM:
Yes, and that’s because you and the others are gonna go out there and find him! (dramatically points off in a random direction) You’re gonna go out there and find him and bring him back where he can be with people who care about him and want to make sure he’s okay! And also ISIC.
ISIC, off in the corner, waves.
Toby springs to his talons, suddenly energized by both the stimulant and the thought of getting his cousin back. Also, having your nestmate deliver a rousing speech is always good for that sort of thing.
TOBY:
Okay, then, let’s put together a rescue party, and get my cousin back! TONY! WE’RE COMING! (he stops and looks around and it clicks that he’s surrounded by volunteers to come along and his eyes widen) Are you guys… are you all coming to help too?