The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5729

ISIC:
Yes, I do! You really are my one and only friend, I might give your card back to you if I win it, and I’m just as likely to rip it up for my own petty amusement just to teach you all a valuable lesson about how meaningless the pursuit of happiness through material possessions is.

KLEESE:
I reported my platinum card stolen 2 hours ago.

ISIC:
Butterscotch. Of course, you’re assuming I’m using YOUR platinum card and not someone else’s or a dummy account.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5730

TOBY (annoyed):
You know what? I know captain Ghalt told me and Pam not to use it against any of you, but I REALLY love that card! Sorry, Shayne!

Toby assumes his cutest pose and flashes his eyes at her with a level of cuteness that only Finisci can achieve. A cuteness so potent that it disrupts the neural pathways in most sentient races, while opening their subconscious mind to accept commands. Shayne takes this, the “Finisci Cutness Mind Control Attack”, full-on. After an irresistible urge to “aww”, her eyes go dull and her arms slacken. Toby holds his flipper out towards her.

TOBY:
Card.

Shayne hands him his rare limited edition foil Finisci Firebringer Eldrid Magic card. Toby then scratches his chin feathers, and smiles mischievously.

TOBY:
Taking all bids for what I should have her do! Let’s start at… 25 platinum!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5731

AUROX:
MAKE HER FREE AUROX!

ISIC:
Make her kill herself!

AUROX:
THAT IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE AS IT WOULD ALSO FREE AUROX!!

Benedict looks around the room at a bunch of the others.

BENEDICT:
Yeah. I was naturally immune, but most of these other guys weren’t, and…

Benedict looks at the dull lifeless eyes of many of his shipmates.

BENEDICT:
I’m gonna go rummage through some diaries. Just keep in mind anything ya make these guys do, yer gonna have to face the consequences for when they snap out of it.


(Junk Male ) #5732

Ernest pops the visor of his hastily-donned tactical mask and glares at him. Same for you, puke. Don’t go sticking your beak where someone’s gonna blow it off.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5733

BENEDICT:
Pfft. Like I wanna learn YOUR secrets. Nah, I want the juicy stuff. Galilea, Ambra, Deande, Pendles… actually I’m gonna start with Pendles. An opportunity like this don’t come around too often. Oh, and don’t act like ya ain’t gonna do the same damn thing.


(Junk Male ) #5734

Ernest: Hmph. Fair point. I was plannin’ to go through Foxtrot’s cookbook. Ugh. To each his own. Just don’t go bein’ a dick about it.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5735

Benedict ducks into Pendles quarters and begins searching for his diary. A few moments later he respawns at the ETB.

BENEDICT:
Yeah, he cloaked an’ left early. In my defense though, dude’s always cloaked. So there weren’t no way I could’ve known that.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5736

TOBY (appalled):
You can’t just look through other people’s secrets like that!


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5737

Pam has already come back in with three diaries in her flippers.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5738

TOBY:
Pam…!

He snatches one of the diaries from her, briefly looks at the title, brandishes it as he opens his beak to scold her, and then does a wide-eyed double take. It’s Reyna’s dairy. Toby looks around anxiously, and spots his boss staring dully into space with a newspaper hanging loosely in her hand. One can tell from his expression that Toby is battling himself internally, before he finally gives in and begins to frantically open Reyna’s diary.

TOBY:
O-Okay, just a quick peak… Oh man…! I hope she wrote something nice about me…!


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5739

Pam immediately digs into one of the other two diaries without missing a beat. The cover is all frilly lace in teal and silver, and Pam flips to a random page. Then frowns and flips to another page. Then another.

PAM:
This is all Mike’s spider poems, but…

She checks the inside front and back covers.

PAM:
…but apparently he bought a blank book from the Hemsworth Industries headquarters gift shop. So why did I find it in…? Eh. Never mind.

She tosses it onto a table and cracks open the third book she swiped.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5740

Toby lowers Reyna’s diary momentarily, visibly upset.

TOBY (muttering):
I don’t see what’s so great about Captain Ghalt…

He raises the diary and resumes hastily reading it.


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5741

Pam reads the third diary she’d swiped, blinking with surprise.

PAM:
Apparently, according to Caldarius, there are a lot of ways to skin Rendain alive with his own arm… this is like the most morbid page-a-day calendar ever…

She keeps reading, regardless.

PAM (without looking up, sounding distracted):
It’s the way his coat hangs off his shoulders, mostly.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5742

Toby lowers Reyna’s diary again, brow furrowed.

TOBY (jealous):
What…?! A-Am I going to find the same kind of schoolgirl musings in your diary?!

Toby feels a tap at his shoulder, looks over it, and sees Reyna standing there and looking frighteningly calm.

REYNA (thoughtfully):
Schoolgirl musings…?

TOBY (shaking and sputtering in fear):
I-I, uh… Ohh…! B-Boss, this isn’t what it looks like…!


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5743

Pam looks up.

PAM:
Hm? Did I say something?

Her eyes widen when she sees Reyna coming but she doesn’t have time to warn him before–

Pam debates whether not to say anything, or subtly slip off. But she just freezes with Reyna there.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5744

BENEDICT:
Aw no, it’s EXACTLY what it looks like. A good ol’ fashioned ass kickin’.

He cracks open a root beer, spins a chair around, rests his chest against the back casually, and waits for a few minutes.

BENEDICT:
Hey y’all! I got my drink! Ya can kick his ass whenever! The ass kickin’ will be rated on five tears… painfulness, technique, humiliation, emotional wounds in the victim, and style. See, like tauntin’, ass kickin’ is an art. Sure ya can just go up an’ kick someone’s ass like a brute, but if ya do it with STYLE, with spectators in mind, it becomes this whole, big, beautiful thang.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5745

Reyna shoots a warning look at Benedict.

REYNA:
You keep it up fool, and you’ll be able to judge how stylish my ass-kickin’ is with some first hand experience! Besides, I ain’t gonna beat him…

TOBY (hopeful):
You’re… You’re not…?

REYNA (grinning):
And let you off easy with an ass-whoopin’ that an ETB would erase the pain of? I don’t think so… I’d of beat you if using yo cutness as a weapon when I told yo ass not to was all you did; but then you went and decided to invade people’s privacy, includin’ mine! So here’s how you’re gonna make this right…

Reyna tosses a light blue diary with a picture of a cute fish and “Toby” emblazoned on it’s cover, at Toby’s feet.

REYNA:
Yo ass is gonna read that out loud to everyone here, and if I find out that you omitted somethin’, then you get to read it all over again! After I whoop yo feathered ass!

TOBY (desperate):
But, Boss…! There’s some really embarrassing things in here!

NOVA:
My favorite part is the section you wrote when you thought you were a girl.

TOBY (appalled):
YOU READ MY DIARY?!

NOVA:
A lot of people have. Benedict made a PDF on BirdFinder of it.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5746

BENEDICT:
Well, I mean, that’s the only way to get the sketch art. Ya gotta scan that sh*t. Also… since most of us have already read it, I don’t think that’s REAL punishment. I mean, ya can only get so much from watchin’ Toby squirm at these “shockin’” revelations. How about we make him PERFORM it. Like a play! I’m tired of readin’ his diary but, I’d sure as hell like to see an artistic interpretation! OOOHHHH!!! I CALL DIBS ON THE CHARACTER OF “ERNEST!”


(Kain Zilla) #5747

PHOEBE:
I would like to interject to say that it really is only ‘most’ of us who have read it. Some of us do have better things to do with our time.

Such as pay someone else to read it to them while they work.

Far more effective use of one’s temporal allocations.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5748

REYNA (crestfallen):
I swear, every time I try to be creative with my punishments for Toby, I find out that you’ve already done somethin’ similar and worse…

Reyna turns and punches Toby in the face hard, laying him out. She then takes his Finisci Firebringer card and tears it into confetti-sized pieces, which she throws over him. She does all of this with a look of incredible boredom.

REYNA (thoughtfully):
You know, that ain’t a bad idea…

She turns to Benedict.

REYNA:
You want a job as Toby’s personal tormentor?