Benedict leaps up.
I CAN GET PAID FOR THAT!!???
Benedict leaps up.
I CAN GET PAID FOR THAT!!???
Sure; and to make it worse for him, I’ll take it outta his own wages. You mind me now though… If I find out that you’ve been punishing him without my say, then I’ll be havin’ a word with Ghalt about settin’ up the same plan for you. I’m sure Ernest would love gettin’ paid to make your life hell.
Reyna starts to walk off, stops, then looks over her shoulder.
I ain’t gonna tell you how to do yo job, but maybe pluck him, or dye his feathers or something, before he wakes up.
She resumes walking off.
REYNA (muttering to herself):
Benedict looks thoughtful.
Are you certain you want to go through with this Mr. Benedict? I mean, these kids…
Yep. Turn on the cameras and pump in the stimulant.
They watch a sleeping Toby slowly push his way back to consciousness in a room surrounded by bright, colorful, plastic and rubber toys; a big, plastic, walk-in activity castle; and a big, plastic, colorful walk-in pirate ship with a plank into a ball pit filled with smiling stuffed animal sharks.
Remember, release the kids just as he realizes what’s happenin’.
MS. SHANNON: (Shaking her head)
You have no idea what these children are capable of. They’re MONSTERS.
Nova, he’s wakin’ up. Cue the feed! An’ make sure he hears it in there!
And now… ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary genders, put your hands together for… TOBY IN PRESCHOOL!!!
Ghalt walks up to Reyna and hovers over her shoulder. In a mock serious voice, “I hear you’ve been bad, young lady. I think you need some ‘detention’ time with me to go over these schoolgirl musings…”
Reyna looks up at him and smirks. “If you’re good, I may let you mess up my hair.”
Pam, who stole Reyna’s diary to begin with, is off to the side, oblivious to what she’s inadvertently put Toby through due to being enthralled by Caldy’s.
PAM (muttering to herself):
Y’know, I think this is actually a cookbook… I bet Nova would help me adapt this one…
Phoebe discretely phaseshifts and appears behind Pam, looking over her shoulder.
Might I inquire as to whether the contents of the digi-tome that you are currently perusing relate any salacious details? Mayhaps ones specifically related to the * ahem * full-functionality and anatomical correctness of HTX Assault Frame? Or perhaps detailed specifications on adaptability and customization? Merely professional curiosity, I assure you.
Better yet, rather than relay the information and run the dreadful risk of communicating * ahem * misunderstandings, I am prepared to transfer a not insubstantial number of credits into your account should you transfer said documents into the possession of an account of my choosing.
Meanwhile in the mess hall, a furtive Ernest leafs quickly through a large scrappy-looking folder, the title “HOW TO COOK A MIKE UNIT, AND OTHER STUFF” in bold letters on the front.
Ernest: Tofu, tiramisu, teriyaki mike, tomatoes with fire… Dammit! Tacos! Come on! Where in the hell did he hide it?!
Pam adorably eeeps, surprised, suddenly paranoid that she’s in trouble too.
Oh m-my goodness, Ms. H-hemsworth, th-this isn’t what it–
Pam blinks and glances at the diary, not sure how to answer. For a few reasons, really.
Well, I haven’t read it all yet, but it seems to mostly be rantings about…
…everything you just asked about.
Someday, in the evening, Toby’s smartphone rings
TOBY SARDIANUS: Harro, who…
TONY SALMONINSKY: (briskly) Hello Toby, did you miss me?
Toby, who was brushing his beak drops the beakbrush
with a horrified look on his face Toby drops his communication device too and with remains of a foam on his beak rushes through the door struggling not to scream
to his jailers
TONY: (confounded) Eheh, heh, he’s …probably rushing to tell the others.
On the way out Toby almost drops on his mate
PAMELA SARDIANUS: Where are you scurrying off to hon?
Toby passes her without a word. Pam enters their cabin and notices a smartphone on the ground, with aroused interest picks it up and goes outside…
PAM: Hey, you forgot your…
to his jailers
TONY: Hey! It’s Pam, his nestmate.
…and then Pam looks at the screen
TONY: (waving) Hey Pam! Would you mind telling Toby to…
Pam drops the phone too…
…and follows the trail of Toby Sardianus IV
TONY: Hey, where are you going!
TONY: They are so excited I can’t have normal conversation.
JAILER 1:_ What takes so long?
TONY: Hey, it’s not my fault they act like loonies. I mean, they usually don’t act THAT crazy…
JAILER 2: It’s almost supper time, hurry up.
TONY: But I have to… I can’t… what’s for supper?
JAILER 2: Edna’s pancakes …your favorite.
TONY: …oh, dwell, I’ll try again later, let’s go eat sumthn.
At the iInfirmary
spitting and coughing as he apprently swallowed some beak paste
TOBY: (hollers) Khak, ahm, doctor Lucaaaaaavi!
Beatrix leans out of her office
DR. BEATRIX LUCAVI: Here. How may I…?
TOBY:(interrupting) I’ve made up my mind, I think…gulp… I’ll have those tranqs.
Beatrix reaches to the drug cabinet and grabs some pills
BEATRIX: All right. Those are for start, take one every…
“turns the other cheek”
TOBY: No! Gimme heavy stuff!
BEATRIX: (mischievously) All right, if patient insists.
at this very moment Pam reaches the infirmary too
PAM: Make it double! I think I need one too…
Both of you? I’m not a drug dealer, you know. If this is to make things a little more romantic in the bedroom…
Toby makes an angry noise and then quickly waddles over to one of the infirmary’s sinks to wash out his beak.
It’s not for anything like that, i-it’s because of Tony!
Aww… You can’t sleep because you miss your cousin! That’s-
WHAT?! NO!! HIS GHOST JUST CALLED ME, YOU ONE-ARMED BIMBO!!
pointing the bed
BEATRIX: Now, I know I’m anticipating, sort of, but would you mind to lay down here, relax and…
TOBY: DON’T TELL ME TO RELAX, I… !
PAM: It’s OK hon, do what the doctor says…
to Dr. Lucavi
PAM: NOW GIVE US THOSE SHOTS!
BEATRIX: As I was saying, I am a titled professional not a drug dealer, I’m not applying serious measures without in-depth examination.
TOBY: Oh no, not the probing again, Pam tell her I don’t want probe in my a…
BEATRIX: (interrupting) Don’t worry, there will be time for…
BEATRIX: What I mean, I am sure electroencephalography will be sufficient.
TOBY: English doc.
BEATRIX: I will test your brain waves. But before that, take a deep breath…
Toby takes an enormous breathing in
BEATRIX: Both of you.
BEATRIX: (annoyed) You can exhale.
BEATRIX: Now, one of you have to focus and tell me exactly the course of events preceding your coming here.
PAM AND TOBY: I was…
BEATRIX: I said one! Do I have to anesthetize the other of you to extract some data?
suddenly covering their behinds
PAM AND TOBY: No.
BEATRIX: Toby, you go ahead.
O-Okay… So… Tony called me… A-And that’s not possible… Because he’s dead… A-And…
sudden injection stops Toby’s panick attack
BEATRIX: That’s better.
BEATRIX: What exactly does he mean by “calling me”, did said “ghost” contacted you via communicator?
PAM: Uh, yes. I picked the one Toby dropped and I’ve heard this…
PAM: (timid) …malicious voice.
BEATRIX: Well, did you take it with you?
PAM: N-no. Should I go for it?
in the meantime
TOBY: Hi, you’ve reached Toby
PAM: …and Pam
TOBY: I’m not here right now cause I’m building some nasty things to kill, probably. Pls leave the message after the sqawk.
BENEDICT: SQUAWWWK! …hey, stop recor…
TONY: Hi, this is me again. If you’ve been watchin’ TV lately you probably know A’ve been booked fer cracking some parcel machines. That’s the bad part, the good news, I got senteced to house arrest. An’ here comes another bad news, A got no home… an’ A was thinkin’, maybe YOU could…y’ know house arrest me fer this six months… A-a won’t cause you any problems, A promise.
in the background
JAILER 2: Curfew’s on, lights out!
TONY: Gotta end. Anyway, think about it an’ call me back to lemme know if you agree… Oh, an’ stop starvin’ yer nestmate, she was terribly pale the last time we talked.
Benedict hears a steady dripping sound off in the distance. It takes him a minute or two to register it. He feels fuzzy and has a difficult time concentrating.
He opens his eyes. He feels wet and disoriented, like he’s flying, but his wings are hanging down beneath him. He closes his eyes and opens them again, blinking, and registers nothing but black.
He tries to focus. He’s flying, but his wings are beneath him… upside down. He’s upside down. How in the hell…
The room stays black. He reaches up and touches his face. His feathers are soaked. He reaches up and touches his chest. No shirt, also soaked. He reaches towards his legs and hears the rustle of a metal chain. He grabs it and tugs on it futilely, then follows it down to the clasp around his leg. He reaches over to his other leg and finds a similar clasp.
What the? How the… HEY!!! HEEELLLPPP!!! ANYBODY OUT THERE???
He panics and his grogginess evaporates. He tries to think about how he might have wound up in this situation. The last thing he remembers is…
Clearly he’s been drugged, or is suffering from some kind of memory loss.
HHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! WHATEVER I DID TO PISS WHOEVER I PISSED OFF OFF, I MEAN, YA PROBABLY DESERVED IT, IN FACT, I’D GO SO FAR AS TO SAY YA DEFINITELY DESERVED IT, BUT I’D BE WILLIN’ TO MEET YA HALFWAY AN’ APOLOGIZE! HELLO???
Benedict fumbles around with his claws and finds a metal box strapped to his waist like a belt, except with a padlock on it. He fiddles with the box and accidentally pushes a button.
Achievement unlocked! You’ve found audio log one of eighty-six! Begin playback…
The metal box begins playing the theme song to the children’s holonet program “Magical Pals: Friendship is Sorcery.”
Yep… I’m in some kind of hell… HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
BUSINESS MUST RESUME. BEEN GONE TOO LONG. MUST DISPENSE EDIBLE SNACK-ABLE SQUARE SHAPED OBJECTS. AND BERRIES. BERRY IS GOOD. BERRY THEMED SNACK-ABLE EDIBLE SQUARE SHAPED OBJECTS
WHERE ARE MY LOADER BOT UNITS?!
I HAVE ARMS. HANDS. LEGS.
Where was I…?
Meanwhile in MINRECS lair.
THAT WAS NOT MEANT TO HAAAPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNN. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. IT WAS TO BE REBORN AS A TOAAASTER WITH 4 TOOAAAAAAAAAASTING SLOOOOOOOOOOOOTSSSS. NOT A FULLY FUNCTIONAL CONSTRUCTOR BOT M3 SENTRY HYYYYYYYYYYYYBRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Angry Volcano Eruptions
Back to the Confused reborn Constructor Bot
Must Reconstruct Loaders. Must Re-Open Bar. Must Re-Call what Happened…
I am… Seven?
Bill and Ted amble along Nova’s corridors. “Dude, that was one bogus journey!”
“Right, Ted, but now we’re back on Nova!” Both shout, “Excellent!” simultaneously and start playing air guitars. After a few moments of their impromptu jam sessions, they continue along the corridor eventually coming across Seven.
“Bill, is that the boss?”
“Yeah, Ted. Hey boss lady, er man, er something! What happened to the bar?”
“Yeah, boss dude! We want some more of those brownies.”
They both look at each other and shout, “Excellent!” before beginning another air guitar session. This time Nova plays a sick-ass rift over the comms.
SPECIAL BROWNIE. YES. I REMEMBER. HUMANS LOVE SPECIAL BROWNIE.
Sure Humans no want Berries? Berries are Healthy. Berries are Energy. Berries are Awesome.
Love Berries… Love…
Do I know you Two?
Seven Constructs a platter of Special Brownies and a platter of Berry Scones and presents both to Bill and Ted
Several minutes later, Ernest staggers out of the mess hall kitchen, his tail feathers on fire.
Ernest: SON OF A BITCH! CUMIN POWDER! HOW THE F*CK DIDN’T I FIGURE IT OUT?!
Whiskey Foxtrot: BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO REAL TALENT FOR COOKING AT ALL AND RELY ON ASSISTANCE FROM MORE COMPETENT PEOPLE!
Ernest: F*CK YOU I ENJOY IT! YOU MAY VALUE PERSONAL ENRICHMENT BUT I COOK FOR THE HELL OF IT!
Whiskey Foxtrot: HOW CAN YOU ENJOY A TASK WITHOUT BEING SKILLED AT IT?!
Ernest: SAME WAY YOU ENJOY PLAYIN’ PIANO, HA!
Whiskey whips a combat knife from his boot and hurls it. F*CK YOU!
Ernest ducks, snickering, and sprints down the hallway and through the Holoshow set, but glimpses Seven through the door to the snackbar, and stops in his tracks. Or at least tries to, but he ends up skidding twenty feet across the set and smacking comically into the far wall. Bare claws really aren’t made for polished floors.
Ernest peels himself off the wall, wipes a stream of blood from his beak, and wanders into the snackbar, looking with curiosity at the upgraded constructor. And then with undisguised greed at the Berry Scones, which he grabs in both claws.
Ernest: Damn. Looks like somebody got an upgrade. Don’t mind if I doooooo.
Greetings Aviant Ernest.
You Choose Wisly. Berry is Good. Berry full of Antioxidants, Fibre, Lower Blood Pressure, Improve Memory, aaa0-23940-2w394-039650-4597-034-=40-=3204=3-05-4936094907830-6540-9 BERRIES.
Do not Recall How Upgrade Commenced. Do feel VERY Good. Is Good.
Yes. Is Good.
Continued from this post…
A bright beam of light shines directly into Benedict’s face.
AHHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL???
OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC DEEP-VOICED ANNOUNCER:
Congratulations, Augustus Benedict Junior! You have been selected as the winner of the “All Solus Eligible Magical Pals: Friendship is Sorcery Journey Quest Sweepstakes Competition!”
I DIDN’T ENTER ANY DAMN CONTEST!!!
OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC DEEP-VOICED ANNOUNCER:
You didn’t have to! It’s all Solus eligible! And you have been selected by our viewing audience as the most eligible candidate for our Magical Pals: Friendship is Sorcery Journey Quest into the Dark Wilderness of Thraxaxticus!
I OPT OUT!!!
OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC DEEP-VOICED ANNOUNCER:
Ahahahahahahahaha… good for you. Now, here to guide you on your mystical journey of friendship, is your new best friend, and Level 82 Master Crime-Stopping Centaur, KID ULTRAAAAAAA!!!
Hiya Benny! It was my vote that got you nominated as the prime candidate for this adventure!
AWWWWWWWWWW HEEELLLLLL NOOOOO!!!
See, we here at the Magical Pals fan club believe every denizen of the Forest of Light is actually a good and kindly soul, and that asshats are just sad light spirits who lost their way. But GOOD NEWS! They can be brought back through a magical journey and the power of friendship!!!
GREAT EAGLE F**K YOU!!! I AM SOOOOOO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!
I, Kid Ultra, will be your Master Battle Centaur.
YOU ARE NOT A F**KING CENTAUR!!!
Your quest shall be to find all 82 enchanted audio logs. They’ll teach you the way to friendship and love until you join us as a light forest brother!
I’M KILLING YA THE SECOND I GET MY HANDS ON BOOMSDAY YOU SON-A-BITCH!!!
Chapter one, escape the hentai tentacle caves!
The lights blaze on revealing that Benedict is surrounded on all sides by giant tentacles.
AAHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HEEEEELLLLLLLL!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GOTTEN ME INTO, ULTRA???
Releasing safety clamps in 3… 2… 1… QUICKLY! FLY TOWARDS THE LIGHT BENNY!!!
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOOUUUUUU!!!
The clamps release, sending Benedict into a free fall. He spreads his wings and narrowly avoids five sets of tentacles grabbing for him.
I DON’T CARE IF IT PISSES PHOEBE OFF!!! SECOND I GET OUTTA HERE, YER A DEAD BOT!!! YA HEAR ME ULTRA??? DEAD!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Benedict narrowly avoids getting bitten in half by a massive tentacle with giant green fangs.
Remember! Your hate is dragging you down! You have to soar upward, on wings of light and friendship!