The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5769

Toby, who has spent what feels like months jabbering and screaming incoherently inside of a padded cell, finally runs out of steam, and collapses on the floor of the cell, panting. The padding of the cell is covered in small holes from where Toby pecked it, his flippers having been bound in a Finisci-sized straight jacket. A few minutes later, the door opens, revealing Beatrix and Pam, who are eating popcorn.

BEATRIX (burping and then giggling):
Looks like I win, Pamela!

Pam grumbles and hands Beatrix a small bundle of credits.

TOBY (delirious):
Pam…? Pam, is that you…? How long have I-

BEATRIX:
Seventeen minutes. Pam here thought you would last at least an hour.

TOBY (struggling into a sitting position):
Seventeen minutes! B-But, I- Tony’s Ghost…!

PAM:
It’s okay, hon. It turns out we were wrong. Tony’s not dead, he’s in jail. We’re going to go bail him out after lunch.

TOBY (hyperventilating again):
But he…! W-We cremated him, a-and…!

BEATRIX (giggling):
Uh oh… Looks like someone is having another nervous breakdown. Double or nothing on him calming down in slightly over half an hour?

PAM (chewing popcorn noisily):
You’re on.

They close the door to the cell on Toby again, who has by this time proceeded to roll across the floor while screaming about trout muffins.


(Cast Iron Chef) #5770

Mike, Montana, and Thorn watch Benny’s antics via Live! Pay Per View! Presented by LLC Reality TV, "Where we reject your reality and substitute our own!"™

Montana throws some popcorn in his mouth. “Dude! This is better than watching the Bear Blood Bowl This time it’s personal!’”

Thorn shakes her head. “Why you watch that trash is beyond me. Pass the popcorn.”

“I feel kind of bad for Benny, dude.”

Thorn rolls her eyes. “Why? This is less than he deserves.”

Montana shrugs. “I guess, dude. But Kid Ultra? Even Mike doesn’t deserve that.”

They both look at Mike who’s throwing popcorn at his helmet in an attempt to eat it. “Bro! How do you eat this stuff?”

Montana taps him on the helmet. “Uh, dude, can’t you take this thing off?”

Thorn smirks. “You were saying?”

A holographic image of Nova in a robot suit appears on the couch next to them eating popcorn. “Guys! I was watching this but you all looked like you were having more fun than me so here I am! I’m taking bets on how long it takes for Benny to completely lose his mind.”

Montana: “5!”
Thorn: “2!”
Mike: “15!”

“Wow, guys, you really give him a lot of credit, huh? That’s a lot of minutes for him to last.”

Thorn waves a hand. “Minutes? We’re talking about seconds.”


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5771

twenty-four minutes later, Pam enters the padded cell again, and quietly regards a calm and collected Toby sitting in the middle of the room, the walls of which are a shredded mess; the crazed Finisci having pecked them in his delirium. His stomach is noticeably bulged, leaving little doubt as to where the lining of the walls ended up.

TOBY:
Tony isn’t dead, is he?

PAM:
No, hon.

TOBY:
Did I think the walls were made of salmon brownies again?

PAM:
Trout muffins.

TOBY:
Oh… Laxatives again?

PAM (holding up a small bag):
Yep; and that ointment you like for… After.

TOBY:
Okay then… Thanks. And Tony?

Pam walks forward with Toby’s cell phone, redials the number Tony called from, and holds it up to his face for him. It rings…

PAM:
I won fifty credits, by the way. Want sushi tonight?

TOBY:
No thanks; I’m full.


(Not-Toby) #5772

Cell block A (there is only one cell block actually and two cells in it)
JAILER 1: Prisoner 5569, step out of the cell. There is a call for you, from…
TONY: Listen, you don’t have to keep it this formal, I’m the only inmate here. Also, the phone booth is next to my cell and I’ve been expectin’ this call y know.
JAILER 1: The protocol is protocol, don’t argue prisoner 5569!
TONY: (familiarly) Buck, my man, just call me Tony.
JAILER 1: The protocol…
TONY: K, k, I’m goin’.

to the handset
TONY: Ekhm… Hello, you’ve reached Tony’s handset, I’m not available right now, pls wait till I…

is about to slam the cellphone
TOBY: God dammit, it’s the voicemail, that damn bastard have put me on ***** hold!
TONY: OK, OK, calm down, jus’ kiddin, it’s me, Tony, Tony Salmoninsky.
TOBY: Erm, how…how do I know it is really you?
TONY:

Aw, don’t be like that, Toby. Come on, scream a bunch of stuff! Please? Please, SCREAM A BUNCH OF STUFF! Ohhh I feel so…

TOBY: OK, OK, STOP IT! I believe you.
TOBY: So… what do you want from me?
TONY: Didn’ you receive my message? I’ve explained everything.
TOBY: I…had a hard time lately, would you mind…you know, remind me of its content?
TONY: (definitely too fast) IgotthissentenceofhomeconfinementandIcan’t …
TOBY: Hey, slow down…
TONY: (continues)…undergothiscauseA’mkindahomelessand
TOBY: THAT’S ENOUGH, SPEAK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON OR I’LL DISCONNECT!
TONY: (panicked) …eee, you don’t mean it, y-you can’t leave me here. A mean the cooking is good and they treat me right but… my sentence, I gotta clear my record…
TOBY: (condescending) That’s better. So, you need the place to stay, right?
TONY: Yup.
TOBY: OK, I’ll see what I can do…
TONY: Thanks, I really…
TOBY:…I can’t promise anything though, I have to ask captain, Pam…

heavy breathing
TONY: (panicked) W-what?

off the phone
PAM: (whispering) I’ll back you up on everything hon.

with a wicked smile
TOBY: (whispering) I know, I just want to…you know… banter with him, a bit.
TOBY AND PAM: (whispering) He deserves it.
TOBY AND PAM: gigling


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5773

Toby calls Tony again roughly thirty minutes later, after talking to Ghalt and Reyna about letting his cousin live aboard Nova with him, and possibly becoming a Rogue.

TOBY (upon hearing the phone being picked up):
Hey, Cuz! Umm… So, here’s the deal: Captain Ghalt says that you can live on Nova because you’re the only family I have left, and because “Finisci don’t take up much space”- a bit speciest, I know. Also, uh… There aren’t any extra living spaces left over… B-But that’s okay! Pam and I have a spare room that we can turn into a bedroom, and you get to keep your job as the holoshow’s producer! Uh… Mostly because that’s all there is for you to do… See, Reyna kinda said “no” when I pitched the idea of you joining the Rogues-

REYNA (in the background):
That ain’t what I said, fool. I said that I’d recruit yo cousin to an asskickin’ for stealing yo mech along with that ugly-ass seal, and then tryin’ to kill us! I also called you a dumbass for trusting him not to do it again!

TOBY (awkwardly):
Uh… Yeah… She did… But you can still move in with me if you want! Really! Then we can hang out, a-and I can make up for what I did to you all those years ago! So, umm… What do you say, cuz?


(Not-Toby) #5774

TONY: I say groovy! Yay, I get to taste special brow…uhm, I mean, I get to meet yer associates, and not get ass-kicked by this specific one, I hope. K, A’m already packed up and
TONY: (sluggish, digitally distorted voice) The convoy is en route.
TONY: Oh, one more thing. There will be some papers to sign, somethin’ about bail, but that’s a formality an’ A’m sure you can handle this.
TOBY: What? W-what papers?
TONY: K, so A’ll be seein’ you in one hour, Kippers.

transmission interrupted
TOBY: No, wait! What’s with the bail…?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5775

TOBY (wryly):
Great… Just. Great…

Toby gives his phone back to Pam to put in her purse, and she shoots him a concerned look.

TOBY:
It’s nothing, kipper muffin… Really. We just need to pay Tony’s bail, so we’re probably going to be in debt again. Unless…

Toby turns towards the camera.

TOBY (with meaning):
We revive the Ask the Aviants holoshow…

Reyna appears from behind and slaps Toby on the back of his head.

REYNA:
What’d I say about breaking the fourth wall?!

TOBY (sighing again):
Don’t break the fourth wall or talk to all the fools on the other side…


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5776

Squirt pops into frame and waves at the camera.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5777

Toby spots the miniature Benedict, starts in shock, and is then struck by the strangest desire to play cricket, despite never having played the game before.

TOBY (in sudden hysterics):

THE UNIVERSES ARE MELDING!!

REYNA:
WHAT are you yellin’ about now?!

TOBY:
Uhh… N-Nothing… Sorry…


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5778

ISIC:
Ahahahahahahahaha… I get the joke. It’s funny because he died horribly.

Everyone looks at ISIC.

BENEDICT:
What the hell are you talkin’ about?

ISIC:
Your miniature corpse bludgeoned to death!

SHAYNE:
The hell is he talking about?

KLEESE:
Oh, just ignore him.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5779

TOBY:
Aww… I wanted to hear more about Benedict being bludgeoned to death…


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5780

REYNA:
Wait just a damn minute… weren’t you just trapped in an elaborate series of death traps by Kid Ultra?

BENEDICT:
I escaped somehow.

SHAYNE:
Hey, that’s a cheat! A really ■■■■■■ cheat! We want details! How did you escape? What the hell happened? How did you get here so fast?

BENEDICT:
Power outage in the simulation room, I ripped Ultra Kid’s head off with my bare talons, aaaand… I walked. The simulation room’s like a 35 second walk from this room.

SHAYNE:
YOU WERE IN THE SIMULATION ROOM THE WHOLE TIME?

BENEDICT:
Where in the hell else would he have gotten a cave full of tentacles? Where the hell in Solus is there a cave full of tentacles?

Alani opens her mouth to speak. Mellka shakes her head and Alani promptly closes her mouth.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5781

Toby and Pam look at each other quickly and then look away, blushing.

TOBY (awkwardly):
U-Uh… What’s for dinner tonight…?

PAM (distracted):
Calamari… I-I mean arctic char! Oh my…!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5782

Benedict looks suspiciously around the room.

BENEDICT:
Right… so… anyway… like I was sayin’… there ain’t no cave full of tentacles in Solus…

Boldur walks in.

BOLDUR:
Cave full of tentacles? You mean like Ursula’s House of…

Mellka tackles him out of the room.

MELLKA: (From the hall)
ALRIGHT PEOPLE! BACK UP! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!


(Junk Male ) #5783

Ernest wanders out of the snack bar, berry muffins in each claw.

Ernest: Why in the hell would we do that? Just for the cash? I like this plan.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5784

TOBY (frustrated):
I still don’t understand why you and Benedict make more than me and Pam… I swear, it’s like they base it on weight!


(Junk Male ) #5785

Ernest: Weight? Nah. If that were the case I’d make more than the rest of yall combined. It’s cuz we look better.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5786

TOBY (scoffing):
Better than this?

Toby puts his flippers behind his head and thrusts his chest foward with an “umpth” sound, then begins gyrating his diminutive hips.


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5787

Pam squints at Toby, concerned.

PAM:
Toby, smoochiebird, do you need another trip to Dr. Lucavi’s Don’t Hurt Yourself Room?

PAM:
They can charge more for their action figures, I think. Stupid merch.

Pam immediately takes the suspiciously large wad of cash she was readying for Tony’s bail and starts makin’ it rain on Toby.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5788

TOBY (continuing to “work it”):
Only if it’s insane to look this good! Uhn!