The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5789

Ernest sighs heavily, winds up and hurls one of his muffins at Toby. He then stands for a few seconds and contemplates the other muffin in his claw.

Ernest: Decisions, decisions. Should I eat you? Or should I throw you at Toby?

The muffin, in a squeaky voice: Iiiiiiiiit’s muffin time! Eat me! I wanna die!

Ernest stares at the muffin. What in the name of seven freezing hells.

The muffin: I mean, I’m pretty sure that throwing me would kill me too! But I can’t be certain! So it’s a better deal if you just eat me! Win-win! Because you get to eat me, the delicious berry muffin! And I get to die!

Ernest tosses the muffin off to one side, whips out a hip flask and takes a large swig, then picks up a nearby folding chair and whacks himself repeatedly in the forehead with it. He then wanders back into the snack bar and throws the chair at the Constructor.

Ernest: Hey. Can I get some more of those muffins? Preferably not self-aware?

The muffin yells as loud as it can in its squeaky voice. WHY WON’T YOU LET ME DIE?!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5790

BENEDICT: (Squeezing his eyes shut)
Awwww! PLEASE stop doin’ that! Man, ya don’t have the chest feathers for that! Also, ain’t ya gettin’ yer wages garnished for all the friggin’ debt ya owe?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5791

TOBY (flustered):
I do SO have the chest feathers for it! You’re just jealous because I’m a stud for a Finisci, and you’re… Well… I don’t know how attractive you are as a Buteonen, honestly… BUT I HAVEN’T HEARD OF YOU GETTING ANY IN A WHILE!! Also, umm…
I-It’s really nice of you to worry my and Pam’s financial situation… Thanks! Don’t worry though, the companies I invested all of our savings into are bound to take off eventually


(Not-Toby) #5792

an hour later, a knock sounds at the airlock door. The visor shows a docking sleeve attached and a man standing at the hatch

through the intercom
TOBY SARDIANUS: Who is it?
THE DELIVERY MAN: (dispassionate) I’m from the Wacko’s express, we deliver your packages with wacky speeds. There’s a package for Mr…Sardianus?

with a loud hiss the pressure door opens
Toby outstretches his flippers
TOBY: That’d be me. Whatcha got for me?
THE DELIVERY MAN: Nat so fast, I’ve been ordered to hand you those papers. You have to sign those first.

at the time Toby is browsing through the files a large box labeled

Caution! Live animals!

is placed by the hatch

THE DELIVERY MAN: I was also instructed to inform you that by signing those you

whips out a piece of paper and reads it out loud
THE DELIVERY MAN: …hereby become the the legal supervisor of Tony Salmoninsky’s anti-viral treatment and compliance with the stipulations of the sentence. All medical procedures must be performed no more than ten meters from the transmiter…that is being attached to the hull of this space vessel at this very moment

a dull patter sounds
NOVA: Ouch! Watchout for my paintjob!

THE DELIVERY MAN: Non-compliance will result in imposing a fine of fifty thousand credits, on you, Mr. Sardianus.

Toby seems not impressed
TOBY: Wow, that’s a handsome sum.
THE DELIVERY MAN: No, wait, I misread, that’s five hundred thousand credits actually.

Toby begins to pale
TOBY: gulp

THE DELIVERY MAN: Mr Sardianus, do you agree to proposed terms?

Toby nods
THE DELIVERY MAN: Pls sign here, here and here…
TOBY: Anything else you have for me?
THE DELIVERY MAN: No need for additional software or pass codes, the bracelet will unlock as soon as programmed sentence period will pass.

turns to walk away then turns back
THE DELIVERY MAN: Oh, and don’t let HIM parade around without the safety measures untill the qualified specialist allows it. That is all, have a good day Mr. Sardianus.

the pressure door shuts down


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5793

Boldur bursts into Benedict’s quarters, grabs his sleeping form out of bed, and carries him down the hall to an unremarkable, pitch black storage room.

BENEDICT:
BOLDUR WHAT THE HELL!!???

BOLDUR:
SHHH!!!

He throws him in the room, then walks in himself and shuts the door.

BENEDICT:
The hell is this!?

A candle springs to life in the center of the room, revealing a cross-legged Miko gazing serenely at the two.

MIKO:
We welcome you… to an official function of the Eldrid Church of Higher Enlightenment. The suggested donation is five credits.

Miko places a donation basket next to the candle. Benedict remains aloof for a minute, and then realizes what’s happening and gets a big smile on his face.

BENEDICT:
Aw sh*t! The paperwork went through didn’t it? Yer a fully registered vicar now ain’t ya?

MIKO:
Correction… we are a fully registered evangelizing vicar.

Boldur snickers.

BENEDICT:
I see… so… that means technically I can come to you for… a sermon…. right?

MIKO:
If one’s heart truly seeks the enlightenment of the Eldrid Church of Higher Enlightenment, we cannot refuse them as a fully registered evangelizing vicar.

Benedict grins.

BENEDICT:
Gotcha. Five credits right? For travel expenses?

MIKO: (Annoyed and putting its hand over the donation basket)
SUGGESTED donation is five credits. Of course, if one is TRULY committed to enlightenment…

BENEDICT:
Dammit, how much?

BOLDUR:
Boldur made a donation of five hundred credits. For EXTRA enlightenment.

He snickers again. Benedict thinks for a minute.

BENEDICT:
How about 250?

Miko grimaces and folds its arms.

MIKO:
Even vicars must eat.

BENEDICT:
Ya get meals for FREE…

Boldur sighs and sits on the floor.

BENEDICT:
Alright, fine. Five hundred credits. But this had better be an ENLIGHTENING ass experience.

Benedict places the credits in the basket and Miko begins humming. Miko produces a green desert root. Boldur stands, enraged.

BOLDUR:
Boldur can GROW green desert root! Boldur wants RED desert root! Boldur thinks 500 credits is more than enough for REAL religious enlightenment!

Miko sighs, puts the green desert root away, and produces a red desert root.

BENEDICT:
Wait… hold on… I heard that stuff really f**ks ya up…

BOLDUR:
Don’t be whiny baby! Boldur has waited his WHOLE LIFE to eat red desert root! WE EAT RED!!! OR WE DO NOT EAT!!!

BENEDICT:
Fine. Give us the good stuff.

Miko grins.

MIKO:
Red. Red red. Red.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5794

Toby frowns at the box containing his cousin, sour at all of the responsibilities he just had dropped on his lap. He knocks on the box.

TOBY (concerned):
Tony…? Are you in there…?

Something inside the box shifts slightly, but no response is given. With a shrug, Toby slowly pulls the box into the common room, already forgetting that he needs to keep it within range of the transmitter, and pushes it up onto the couch. He then puts on some cartoons- he remembers that Tony loved them back when Toby had last seen him decades ago -and pats the box.

TOBY:
I’m gonna go make some crab mac n’ cheese! BRB!

Toby starts to run off towards the mess hall and then stops, a thoughtful expression on his face. He remembers that the delivery guy had said something about not letting Tony out without “meeting the safety measures blah blah blah”, so he produces his trusty box of schematic crayons. Toby momentarily pouts when he sees that his black one is broke, then settles on the orange one. He quickly scribbles “Property of Toby! DO NOT OPEN!!” on the lid of Tony’s box, puts his crayons away again, and then runs off to make crab mac n’ cheese for his cousin and himself. Mostly himself.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5795

Oscar Mike decloaks, opens the box, grabs carnation pink, and recloaks, running from the room.

OSCAR MIKE
Don’t worry Toby! I won’t drop this one! You’ll never know it was…

A small clatter is heard from the hall.

OSCAR MIKE:
OH NO! NOT AGAIN!

Oscar Mike runs back into Toby’s quarters in spite of the supply closet being right across the hall and takes his duck tape. He infuriatingly tears it down the middle, and continues tearing it leaving half of the tape on the roll so you have to peel that off first before getting to the full piece of tape, which of course continues tearing down the middle until you pull both sides at the same time and rip the bad piece off at some point after the tear occurs. Let’s face it, you always need the whole piece of tape and not a half a piece of tape. Which makes Oscar that guy at the office. You know the one.

OSCAR MIKE:
Good as new!

He puts the crayon and the tape back and runs from the room.


(Not-Toby) #5796

Literally moment later Tony wakes up, notices that HE’S STILL IN THE DAMN DELIVERY BOX
TONY: (mutters under his beak) Dang, did I oversleep, did we arrive?

knocks at the box’s facet
TONY: (rasps) Hey? Mr. delivery man.
clears his throat
TONY: Ehm, ekhm, uhm. h-HEY, MR. DELIVERY MAN. ARE WE THERE YET?!

pushes and shover around box for a moment as he’s aparently upside down
TONY: Uuuuuugh.Yyykhm. Hayyyaaaaakhm. Huh?
TONY: Wtf? Where’s my case?

hearing some noice
TONY: H-HEY, ANYBODY THERE? IS THERE MY STUFF ANYWHERE AROUND?!


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5797

Seven wanders by the mysterious box

What’s in the Box?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5798

Toby returns, carrying two bowls of steaming-hot crab mac n’ cheese.

TOBY (cheerful):
It’s Tony! It turns out that he didn’t die and call me from beyond the grave!

While looking at Seven and talking to the constructor, Toby takes the lid off of Tony’s box, and proceeds to spoon the mac n’ cheese onto his cousin’s tail-feathers, unaware that he is upside down.

TOBY (suddenly seeing his box of crayons):
DAMN IT, OSCAR!!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5799

Benedict peeks his head in, sees what appears to be Toby jamming a spoon of mac n’ cheese up his cousin’s ass, and steps out without a word.


(Not-Toby) #5800

suddenly a ball of feathers known as Tony turns around


covering his rear
TONY: (tries to shrike) Fey, wmatchat pfyt tys fppoon.
TONY: Aww puck, we mafk pfuned.

starts to struggle with the anti-pecking mask


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5801

Benedict re-enters the storage room and locks the door. Miko folds its arms, still sitting next to the candle. Boldur sits next to it, asleep.

MIKO:
We take it you are back from your “bathroom break” now.

BENEDICT:
Aw yeah. That was one HELL of a drop off man…

MIKO:
Your hour-long bathroom break in spite of the fact that you are wearing diapers?

BENEDICT:
I know… I know… I should have stayed to listen to the chants of enlightenment an’ all but…

MIKO:
Like we care. We only need to do it for legal reasons. Boldur stayed. Now let us begin…


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5802

Toby starts excitedly as he sees that Tony is awake now… And then blushes and mutters a quick apology for spooning mac n’ cheese onto his tail-feathers.

TOBY (happily):
Cuz!

Toby frowns and then begins to undo the mask, suddenly angry at the jailers for treating his cousin like some sort of dangerous and infected animal.

TOBY:
Just a sec, Tony! I’ll get this off of you so that we can talk!


(Not-Toby) #5803

finaly succeeds in turning the maks that was definitely designed for ppl not Finisci
TONY: Nub, rlyu …don’t understand…
TOBY: Come now, I’m an engineer, I think I can handle…
TOBY: (embarassed) …straps? Eh, heh.
TONY: Yup, we need assistance from someone with…y know, hands…and don’t forget I am not allowed to take this in public.
TONY: Gee, I’m so hungry…

struggles to eat with mask on strewing the macaroni all around
TONY: Idk, maybe I can… shove this macaroniii… dammit! Anyone has a blender?

while Toby asks aroud for assistance Tony notices THE snack bar and starts to its entrance
TONY: And a stra…aaa, forget about it.

at the Hyperion Snack and Experimentation bar door
TONY: (amazed) Oh boy, I bet they got all kinds “edibles”.

mischievous smile
TONY: Tiny, crumbly edibles…


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5804

Toby, who has succeeded at finding ironically useless assistance for their “no hands” problem in the form of Pendles, overhears his cousin, and quicky attaches a leash to the back of his mask.

TOBY:
Oh, no; I don’t think so! It says right here on your care sheet: “Subject displays a propensity for destructive hyperactivity when exposed to high amounts of sugar.” I already blew my life savings to get you here, and i’ll be in debt forever if i violate the conditions of your parole!

Toby tugs on the leash lightly.

TOBY:
C’mon, cuz! Let’s go find some yummy vegan fish alternatives for you!


(Not-Toby) #5805

Tony advances hard into a bar
TONY: But…I want…BROWNIE!
TEA LOADER: Cuz? Cousin? Aaa-aaa280619956-666-5569. Analyzing. Aviant Tony is Aviant Toby’s cousin. Aviant Tony deconstructed snack bar accessory. Aviant Tony is banned from Hyperion Snack and Experimentation Bar.

Tony advances even harder literally dragging poor Toby behind
under the stress he slips back into his bad language habits
TONY: WTF are you takin’ bout, A’m here for the first time in my LIFE. And A wan’t those famous brownies of yours.
TEA LOADER: NO! Tony bad. Tony leave, leave, leave.

All off the snack bar’s loader staff assembles by TEA Loader and simultaneously points at the exit
LOADER STAFF: LEAVE!

TONY: Ya can’t treat my like that, A’m a customer! A’m so filing a complaint to yer manager.

Cleaner Loaders pull out their mops in ready
LOADER STAFF: LEAVE!!!
TONY: Argh, if A hadn’t had my hacking eye broken A’d show ya…
TOBY: Let’s go cuz, you are always welcome at my place.
TONY: (weepy) …A’d show 'em…
TOBY: I know. We all know what you’re capable of.

Tony leaves with his head down
TONY: (muttering under his beak) It ain’t fair, A just waned a cookie…
TOBY: Yeah, I know, come.
TONY: (calming down) B-but I don’t wan’t spinach smily fishies, they taste like crap. And I know the taste of crap.
TOBY: OK, OK, let’s go.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5806

Continued from this post…

Benedict sits in a corner of the storage room screeching and banging the back of his head against the wall. There is a pool of blood on the floor from his attempts to get the “leeches” off his arm.

BENEDICT:
AHH!!! AHH!! AHHH!!! AHHHH!! THEY’RE SINGING!!! MY HEAD!!! MY HEAD IS TURNING INSIDE OUT!!! THEY’RE ON… MY NECK!!! WHERE… ARE… WHERE ARE MY EYEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!

BOLDUR:
Boldur… sees… friendly… hats… hats… are… friendly… velvet… smooth… hats… hats… made… feather… hats… hats… hats… hats…

Benedict runs up against a shelf and knocks it over, clattering its contents to the floor.

BENEDICT:
F**K YOU!!! I’M THE KING OF THE SOUP CANS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

He proceeds to fiddle with a box of grenades scattered all over the floor. Miko quietly slips from the room. Boldur picks up Benedict and places him on his face.

BOLDUR:
Feather… hat… is… nice… hat…

BENEDICT:
GET OFF OF ME YOU STEGOSAURUS!!! TAKE SOUP!!!

He flicks the pin off the grenade. One explosion later they are both standing at the coffee machine next to the ETB platform laughing hysterically.

BOLDUR:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BOLDUR THOUGHT YOU WERE A HAT!!!

BENEDICT:
I BLEW US UP WITH A DAMN GRENADE!!!

BOLDUR:
Should we do it again?

BENEDICT:
Yeah. Let’s find Miko.

They walk out in search of the walking mushroom.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5807

Bill and Ted were heading to one of their favorite storage rooms for a quick toke when they heard the last moments of Benedict’s and Boulders “Bogus Journey” before the room exploded. They both look at each other wide eyed

DUDE BILL, WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY ON?

I DUNNO TED, BUT WE TOTALLY GOTTA FIND OUT!

EXCELLENT!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5808

Miko freezes in its tracks behind them and tries to sneak away unnoticed.