The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5849

Benedict mutes the monitor for a commercial break.

BEATRIX:
Nurse Igrin… would you please jam his tongue with that big, scary needle full of numbing agent? I’d use my injector arm but I’m currently brewing a temporary environment for the new Miko growth. AND TURN THE AUDIO BACK ON!!! I HAPPEN TO ENJOY LISTENING TO THE SIDE EFFECTS OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION PILLS AND CLASS ACTION LAWSUITS AGAINST INCOMPETENT MEDICAL PRACTICIONERS. I FIND THEM INSPIRING. AhahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NURSE IGRIN! STAB THE PATIENT’S TONGUE WITH THE BIG SCARY NEEDLE!!


(Junk Male ) #5850

Ernest: Don’t call me nurse, dammit! Oi! Nova! How many ops points do I get if I can skewer his tongue to the top of his beak without him feelin’ a thing?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5851

MIKO:
PLEASE, PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH OUR NEW GROWTH! WE DO NOT WISH…

NOVA:
Three. Three ops points.

LAWYER ON COMMERCIAL:
Was your tongue accidentally ripped out and used as a sponge to wipe a gaping wound in your vital organs? Solus Medical Soldiers Attorneys at a Law may be able to help…


(Touched MCHammer) #5852

Pendles uncloaks and changes the channel
Boring!

Lawyers are like fun leeches, it’s always business for them its always “you can’t kill people” this or “Murder is illegal” that. It’s horrible.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5853

Toby opens his beak to scream as Ernest slowly positions the big scary needle, and the Mikollopria buds on his tongue join in.


(Not-Toby) #5854

tired eyed Tony drops by and wanders near Ernest
TONY: Hey, ey, hey!

Ernest tuns to Tony…
TONY: Hey, hey, hey, HEY, HEY!

and Tony finally notices that
TONY: …yo…yo cherry soda…y know, the bottle actually fits nice into the mask… Oh, an’ I drank all, ye gotta buy more.
hiccup

TONY: Whas…wassapenin’? O-o, an open beak…heh, heh, kheh…whacha want’ Toby, a fish chip?

burp
TONY: Wai, A-a’ll get it fo’ ya…
hiccup

Tony turns cumbrously, does a single step, trips over his own foot and falls
TONY: (muffled) Ouch.

Ernest faceclaws
ERNEST: I had only ONE bottle of cider, for mah boy, how could he just…

turns to Tony for a moment
BENEDICT: Noob!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5855

Beatrix shrieks in rage.

REYNA: (Over the comm)
God… DAMMIT TOBY! Just once I’d like to listen to my trashy audio novel in my underpants with a bowl of ice cream IN PEACE!

BEATRIX:
CHANGE THAT BACK TO MY SOAPS RIGHT NOW!!!

BENEDICT:
That wasn’t Toby that time. It was Bea.

REYNA: (Over the comm)
But Toby is there and he’s screaming like a small child, right?

BENEDICT:
Lemme check…

BENEDICT:
Yep!

REYNA: (Over the comm)
My point is still valid. Get someone to smack him upside the head and tell him to stop that.


(Touched MCHammer) #5856

I’m not scared of you!

And Frankly I’d welcome the sweet release of death right now.


(Not-Toby) #5857

from the nearby puddle of pukes comes a muffled voice
TONY: Uhm, hullo Pundhlh, nuhh khu hyy ghy ughun.

ERNEST: Erm, should we help this miserable, sorry for the poor choice of words, puke? He can drown you know.
BENEDICT: Nah, he’s a Finisci, they can dive in toilets for tenths of minutes…

Toby gives Benny a glare
BENEDICT:…not that I ever, personally checked that.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5858

Benedict sits looking uncomfortable for a few moments, and when he can resist the urge no more, pulls out his phone and begins showing videos of Finisci gold divers set to a cartooney comical theme.

BENEDICT:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! LOOK AT ‘EM GO!!! THEY’RE HUNTIN’ FOR BURIED TREASURE IN THE SEWER POOP!!! AW AW AW LOOK!!! HE’S GOT A NUGGET!!! AND IT AIN’T NO GOLD NUGGET NEITHER!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Toby continues glaring at him. Benedict walks up to him and smacks him upside the head.

BENEDICT:
Stop that. It ain’t like they’re you. Ya know they pick the dumbest most aggressive personalities for this reality show crap. Hell, even I had a reality show. Hell, THIS is a “reality” show. Kinda. Sorta. Except for the scripted bits.


(Junk Male ) #5859

Ernest: Oi! I need him to sit still so I can skewer his tongue with this, dammit, you can slap him later!

Ernest taps the needle with a claw and squirts a little shower of whatever-the-hell-it-is out of the tip, then lines up and skewers the tongue, shoving down the plunger before swearing violently as Toby reflexively bites down. He whips his pecked claw out unceremoniously and Toby screams, the now unattended needle waving comically from his tongue.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5860

The two LAB Loaders feverishly throw popcorn at their faceplates while watching the madness

This is … Fascinating.

Yes. Most Fascinating.

It is good that we are no longer being hunted by that Ravenous AI.

Yes… I miss Shenanigans.

The others were not lucky, but I’m sure Mother re-constructed them…

Yes, Father would of…

Oh, Looks like the Pink Aviant has miscalculated the syringe entry point.

That must be painful.

And Comical. Ha!

Yes, is Funny.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5861

BEATRIX:
PUT… MY… F**KING… SOAPS BACK ON!!!

She pulls out the emergency medical chainsaw and revs it up, right in front of Toby.

BENEDICT:
Alright, alright… don’t get yer needle stuck up yer ass. Here…

Benedict switches back to Generic Medical Drama 124. Beatrix doesn’t put down the chainsaw.

BEATRIX:
Alright, so I will begin the incision here, on this big red “X.”

Miko wheels in what looks like a bonsai tree on a cart. A big red “X” is painted on one of the branches.

BEATRIX:
As you don’t know, because you’re all idiots, except for Miko, the sap of the too too root tree has wonderful preservation properties, is a natural attractant to fungus, and would be an ideal vessel to contain the mikollopria before we transplant it to a new host. Unfortunately, the bark is extremely tough, and the sap is in such high demand that we were only able to get a live sample. From Rath’s quarters. Now… aw damn… the TUMOR HAS SPREAD TO THE PATIENT’S BRAIN!

She stares at the screen, momentarily forgetting the chainsaw, and allows it to drop dangerously close to Toby’s cheek. She turns back to her work, pulls the chainsaw away and begins cutting through the tree. She makes it less than a millimeter before the chain snaps.

BEATRIX:
DAMMIT!

She hands Ernest 50 credits.

BEATRIX:
I thought for sure the diamond blade would do it. Ok. Use the explosives.


(Junk Male ) #5862

Ernest: Heh. I told ya so. Easy money.

Ernest fishes a tiny charge from his pocket, sticks it onto Beatrix’s failed cut, and detonates it. With a loud pop, the branch sways, and the smoke clears to reveal precisely no damage to the tree at all

Ernest squints at the tree. Figures. But we’re just gettin’ started here! Stand back, pukes!

He pulls a much larger charge from his vest, this one ring-shaped, and wraps it around the branch. He clicks a button on the charge, which beeps. He then promptly flips over a nearby table, scattering surgical implements all over the floor, and takes cover behind it.

Ernest: And a one, and a two, and a-

The charge detonates, the shockwave throwing equipment all over the room. A scalpel embeds itself several centimeters into Ernest’s table, and a pair of scissors impale the face of a character on the TV. Ernest peeks his head over the top of the table and wafts away some of the smoke, to reveal the tree, yet again, almost entirely unharmed.

Ernest: Sh*t.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5863

BENEDICT:
Aw for f**ks sakes, lemme do it.

Benedict pulls out Boomsday and fires a rocket directly at the branch. It detonates, revealing the branch to be completely unharmed.

BENEDICT:
AW HELL NO!!!

Benedict shoves the cart to the other side of the room and fires a remote guided high yield rocket at the branch. When the smoke clears, the branch just sits there.

ALANI:
I know! Let’s try singing to it! Plants like music, right?

Benedict facepalms.

BENEDICT:
Alani, for f**ks sakes… any one else got any ideas?


(Junk Male ) #5864

Ernest: Well, presumably, Rath had to have trimmed it with somethin’. Any idea what? Maybe go pinch one of his swords and have a go with that?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5865

KELVIN:
VIBRATIONS!!! It would shatter at a stress point given a particular kind of vibration!

ALANI:
So I’m right!??

KELVIN:
No. What you said was terribly stupid. Rath’s swords must use a particular vibration frequency that allows him to cut through the plant. The key is to discover…

ALANI: (Singing softly)
The seahorse swam… across the depths… to meet heeeerrrrr good frieeeend in the kale…

KELVIN: (Facepalming)
Alani, for f**ks sakes… Ernest has the right idea. Someone pilfer one of Rath’s swords.


(Junk Male ) #5866

Ernest: Yep. She’s singin’. I’ll face Rath’s wrath any day over Alani’s singin’.

He gaps it out of the medbay and returns a few minutes later, resting Precept on his shoulder.

Beatrix: Why did you pick the biggest out of all of the swords? We only really needed a knife, and you brought a greatsword, for Lenore’s sake!

Ernest: 'Cause we’re destroying his several-million-year-old bonsai to grow magic mushrooms on it. I’m dead meat no matter what I do - I may as well have a go with his greatsword while I’m at it, right? Speaking of which…

Ernest hefts Precept in both claws and inelegantly slashes at the doorframe of the medbay with it, slicing clean through the wall and biting into the floor. He tries again, spinning around and carving another slice through the wall, carving out a new doorway.

Ernest: Heh. Not too shabby, right?

He flourishes the sword and attempts to use its weight to perform a flipping slash, but faceplants comically. Precept flies out of his hands and embeds itself several feet deep into the ceiling.

Ernest groans. Eagle f*ckin’ dammit.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5867

Benedict grins.

BENEDICT:
I could fly up there an’ get it down if ya ask REAL nicely.


(Junk Male ) #5868

Ernest stands up and glares at Benedict, brushing himself off.

Ernest: F*ck off. I got this.

He pulls out a concussion charge and casually drops it at his feet. He hops into the air and clicks his detonator, flying perfectly up to grab the sword by the handle. It shifts down a few inches, but then stops. Ernest wiggles at the end of the handle in vain.

Ernest: Uhhh… one of you assh*les wanna give me a pull? Or somethin’ heavy to grab?

He grabs the sword with both hands and starts swinging slowly forward and backwards, until it comes unstuck and he drops suddenly, landing heavily and cleaving a nearby (fortunately empty) operating table in half.

Ernest: Whoo! Damn I’m good. Aight. He holds up the sword. I dunno if I can be bothered doing precise sh*t with this beast. Who wants to cut the tree?