The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5869

BENEDICT:
I’ll do i—

ATTIKUS: (Bellowing)
NO!!!

BENEDICT:
Well, damn, if ya wanna cut it so badly…

ATTIKUS:
I don’t want to cut the tree. I just want someone other than you to cut it.

BENEDICT:
Man… I…

ATTIKUS:
NO!!! NOT AFTER THE BIRTHDAY CAKE INCIDENT!!! FIND ANOTHER VOLUNTEER!!!

BENEDICT:
Man, I lose control of the knife ONE TIME…

ATTIKUS:
HOW DO YOU LOSE CONTROL OF A CAKE KNIFE?

BENEDICT:
I dunno, I was havin’ an off day? Maybe I rolled a critical fail.

ATTIKUS:
Six ruptured power conduits. 14 severed limbs. 7 gouged eyeballs. 27 emergency transports…

BENEDICT:
To be fair, six of those were Toby.

ATTIKUS:
Oh my god, that is so not the point I’m trying to make…


(Junk Male ) #5870

Ernest: F*ck’s sake. Nothin’ gets done round here unless I do it, I swear.

He lines up the huge blade and gently pokes at the branch with the red “X”. The sword goes cleanly through with a soft hum, leaving a deep trench in the branch. Ernest withdraws the sword and sniffs at the sap, then squints sideways at Beatrix.

Ernest: Can I eat it?

Beatrix: Do not eat it.

Ernest: I’mma eat it.

Beatrix: Well, at least I get to record your painful death.

Ernest: Painful death? Nah. This thing got “wonderful preservation properties”. Might actually make me live longer.

He scoops up a small droplet of the sap on one claw and eats it, furrowing his brow.

Ernest: Huh. Tastes like cheap Jennerit wine. But without the relentlessly blood-themed packaging.

His eyes widen and he backs up quickly, pointing at the tree.

Ernest: ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! GREEEEEEEEEN!

He runs across the room and hides behind the upturned table, eyes screwed shut.

Beatrix: Physicians log: Subject now appears to be deathly afraid of the colour green. Uncertain if this is permanent. Though I do find it hilarious.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5871

TOBY:
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY’RE ME, YOU DOUCHEBIRB!! IT’S STILL JUST ANOTHER FLIGHTY-CREATED SHOW MEANT TO BELITTLE AND EXPLOIT FINISCI!! Also, I- Uh… Umm…

LINE!!

SOMEONE OFF-SET (whispering):
“Also, i don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Bene-dick. None of this is scripted.”

TOBY:
Also, i don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Bene-dick! None of this is scripted!


Later, after the shenanigans involving the too too tree, culminating in Ernest ingesting the sap, a howl of rage can be heard from the general direction of Rath’s quarters.


TOBY (nervous):
U-Uh… Can we get these spores off of my tongue now…? I’d like to be hidden inside the nearest cupboard before Rath finds out why his favorite sword is covered in the sap of the one living thing that he cares about on this ship…


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5872

Under a Mountain of Popcorn, 3 red eyes peep out watching the Surgical Shenanigans. Seven snuck in, saw its minions “eating popcorn”, and decides to construct more. One of the LAB Loaders gets irritated.

Mother, you can stop constructing popcorn now. It is impeding line of sight.

Seven just laughs that monotonous laugh

Heh-heh-heh.

I do not Understand this Operation. It is Funny. So Illigical.

The other LAB Loader shuffles around in the mountain of fluffy kernals

Yes Father, it is Illogical yet Amusing…

Ugh, please cease Construction of Fluffy Edible Exploded Seed Pods… Must observe Procedure…

Seven just laughs again and decides to stop Constructing

Fluffy Edible Exploded Seed Pods are Good. Fluffy… AAAAAA-092130-2Q94034860942-1049-031-=203-12940-


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5873

Beatrix slaps a collar around Toby’s neck that relaxes and suppresses his throat muscles, preventing him from breathing, swallowing, or gagging. She then stuffs a generous helping of the sap in his mouth and begins poking his tongue with instruments. She makes a series of pleased noises, then leaps on the table and sticks her incistyx injector in his mouth, removing the suspended mikollopria, the sap, and some small samples of Toby’s tongue. She then hits a button on the collar to induce heaving and vomiting.

BEATRIX:
Pretty sure I got it all, but in case I didn’t, I can’t risk you swallowing just yet. Don’t worry. I’ll stop it after about two minutes.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5874

Toby nods unhappily, and opens his beak to reply. However, he finds that the collar is restricting his air-flow too much to do more than breath shallowly, and he begins to panic. Toby grabs the collar with his flippers and attempts to take it off of his neck, resulting in an electric shock that courses through his body, which causes his eyes to bug out and his beak to open in a soundless yelp. Defeated, he drops to his bottom on the gurney and begins to open a Finisci porno magazine… Which Pam, having just arrived, proceeds to rip from his flippers and beat him over the head with, just like Reyna showed her.

PAM (irritated):
What did i say about reading these in the infirmary? You always get hot and bothered, start hyperventilating, and then freak out because you think Beatrix injected you with something unnatural!

Pam pauses and looks at Beatrix suspiciously.

PAM:
You didn’t this time, right?

BEATRIX (smiling):
Nope. Just removing a… Fungal infection.

PAM (frowning):
But he’s been using the ointment you gave him! Right?!

Pam growls this last while glaring at Toby, who nods enthusiastically while miming the action of rubbing something between his talons. Pam raises an eye-feather and points a flipper at Toby while turning back to Beatrix.

PAM (uneasy):
Did he lose his voice? Is the infection in his mouth?

Pam looks self-consciously between her own talons, wondering if she had caught Toby’s fungal infection and spread it to his mouth when they were trying to be creative with their foreplay.

BEATRIX (giggling):
Toby ingested a piece of Miko in an attempt to alter his perception, and they cultivated on his tongue. I’m removing the Mikollopria before it gets into his system and slowly kill him while taking control of his brain. The collar is preventing him from swallowing, and the side effect is that he can’t talk while it is on.

PAM (whispering):
Can i keep it afterwards…?

Pam suddenly smells something that makes her gag, and turns around to see what she believes is Tony standing behind her, and covered in what she assumes is his own bile. Not wanting to upset Toby by reacting negatively to his cousin, Pam suppresses her disgust and smiles cheerfully at Tony, without making a move to touch him.

PAM (sweety):
Hello, Tony! I heard that you’ll be staying with us, and i just finished making up your room. How are you?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5875

BEATRIX:
Now, let’s scan your body for residual mikollopria.

Beatrix jams a popsicle stick in his mouth. Toby realizes with horror that it was only recently cleansed of its icy strawberry confection.

BEATRIX:
Hmmm… nothing on a visual scan. Let’s try using an actual medical scanner just to be sure…

She grabs a scanner and proceeds to conduct a full, max resolution scan on his body.

BEATRIX:
Nope. No signs of fungal infection.

BENEDICT:
But yer leavin’ the collar on, right?

Beatrix hovers her finger over the release button.

BEATRIX:
Well, it would violate all ethical medical behavior.

Toby comically struggles to push his neck closer to Beatrix’s finger.

BEATRIX:
Of course, I never have FULLY explored the functionality of this collar on a finisci before…


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5876

PAM (still looking at Tony):
What do you mean by “fully”? What other uses does it have?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5877

Beatrix calls up a large holodisplay while Toby jumps off the table and leaps at Beatrix’s hand, trying to get her to accidentally release the collar.

BEATRIX:
Nova?

NOVA:
Good evening. And welcome to today’s presentation, entitled, Beatrix Lucavi’s Overbearing and Obtrusive Demeanment Collar.

A large powerpoint with a 3D display of the collar appears on the screen. Appropriate visuals accompany the rest of the presentation. Oddly enough, every cartoon character looks exactly like Toby, as if this collar was designed specifically for him…

NOVA:
The BLOOD Collar is outfitted with a number of special functions including, but not limited to…

  1. Restricting a patient’s airflow during invasive surgeries.
  2. Inducing vomiting and dry heaving.
  3. Inducing uncontrollable swallowing.
  4. Gentle strangulation should a patient get too unruly.
  5. Providing mild electrical shocks to patients should they become too unruly.
  6. Temporarily taking control of a patient’s mind should they become too unruly. DISCLAIMER: This function is untested and may be susceptible to unintended side effects or failure based on the patient’s strength and willpower.
  7. Forcing the patient to make sounds like a pet or barnyard animal. NEW TO VERSION 6.5: Gobble like a turkey!
  8. Taking the patient for walkies.
  9. Releasing chemicals that cure most viral and bacterial throat infections.
  10. Encouraging mucus development.
  11. Swedish neck massages.
  12. Standard therapeutic neck messages.
  13. Chiropractic neck messages.
  14. Sensual neck massages.
  15. Uncomfortably sensual neck massages.
  16. Locking a patient’s neck in place following a traumatic bone injury.
  17. Changing the user’s voice to sound like anyone, even Hunky Sexfield!
  18. Mute.
  19. Turbo-mute. For exceptionally loud patients.
  20. Somehow controlling freaky mutant powers, because collars can do that based on every movie and comic book I’ve read.

And who can forget… the mystery button.


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5878

Toby’s expression cycles between rage, fear, embarrassment and reluctant approval as Beatrix reads off the list of the collar’s functions. When she finishes, both Pam and Benedict shoot each a look that says “let the bidding begin”. Toby looks uneasy.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5879

BENEDICT:
Six credits.

REYNA: (Over the comm)
Six hundred credits. Seven if it comes with a remote.


(Not-Toby) #5880

TONY: Furln, tjuss…

gulp
TONY: …just need a change, y know, those those clothes. I must be stinking like a sick nestling.

TONY: Oh, and btw doc!

Beatrix turns to Tony and shows all of her teeth in a wide smile while blinking innocently
BEATRIX: Yeees?

having chills
TONY: A-a gotta have this anti-viral… t-treatment an’ A, A, A guess A should like settle a schedule… or sumthn’?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5881

BEATRIX:
Of course. When was your last treatment?

BENEDICT:
SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIVE CREDITS!!!

REYNA:
DON’T MAKE ME USE PLATINUM, FOOL!


(Not-Toby) #5882

TONY: Ah, A-a wus actually suppose to like star’ here, like y know, the’ wus no qualified …specialist aroun’ the chunk, an’ bringin’ one would cost an’ this isn’t like refunded s-so…

turn his head to calm his nerves
TONY: …Iwasn’ttreatedatall. Eh, hehe…

turns back to Beatrix to give her her own blinking and smile
TONY: …is this a problem?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5883

PAM (flustered):
A THOUSAND!! Oh… And what about a demo…?

BEATRIX (grinning wolfishly):
Of course! Activate B.L.O.O.D program #17, sub-program Benedict!

Toby gasps as he feels the collar loosen enough for him to talk, but still applying pressure to certain parts of his larynx.

BEATRIX (mischievously):
How do you feel Toby?

TOBY (angry):
Like kickin’ yer ass for puttin’ this thing on me!

Toby’s eyes widen as he realizes that he spoke just like Benedict.

TOBY (furious):
Ah, HELL nah! Change it to somethin’ else! I am NOT speakin’ in this GLORIOUS-ASS VOICE, YA’LL!!

Toby blushes and snaps his beak shut, glaring at Beatrix as she giggles in delight.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5884

Beatrix jams him with a needle and injects its contents.

BEATRIX:
Nope. I never trust my patients’ judgments when it comes to treatment. That’s what being a doctor is all about. Well, that and unnecessary experimentation. Aha… ahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Anyway, I’ll expect you to arrive here promptly for your next injection. And by promptly, I mean ten minutes early. If you are not here ten minutes prior to your scheduled treatment, I WILL hunt you down. With my bloodhounds. They LOVE blood. Speaking of which…

BENEDICT:
Alright. That’s creepy as hell. Shut it off.

BEATRIX:
Given enough time and experimentation I could probably genetically engineer him to look like you too. Maybe even fly!

BENEDICT:
I’m out.

RATH: (Entering enraged)
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BEAUTIFUL TOO TOO TREE?

REYNA: (Over the comm)
Three… platinum. Let’s separate the girls from the women.

ORENDI: (Exploding through a wall)
A BILLION TRAJILLION BAZILLION PLATINUM!!!

REYNA: (Over the comm)
THAT’S NOT EVEN A NUMBER!!!

ORENDI: (Holding up a yellowing and slightly crusty sock)
And THIS SOCK!!!


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5885

Toby clasps his flippers together and looks up at the ceiling with an expression of absolute thankfulness.

BEATRIX (crestfallen):
Oh, you two are no fun… Fine. Deactivate B.L.O.O.D. program seventeen. Activate B.L.O.O.D. program thirteen.

Toby’s eyes close in relaxation as the collar starts to massage his neck.

TOBY (blissfully):
Mmm… Honey…? Make it twenty platinum.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5886

ATTIKUS:
Make him sound like The Lorrian.

BEATRIX:
Done. Activate BLOOD program #17, sub-program Lorrian.


(Not-Toby) #5887

shrieking more out of astonishement than pain
TONY: Ouch!

blinking and bobbing
TONY: Sure, no p…

rubbing his neck
TONY: (disoriented) Erm, OK? And what time

swaying his head
TONY: …ysh ut guuuin…

shaking his head for a moment
TONY: …to be? Gee, what’s in this stuff doc?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5888

Toby quickly starts to protest, but all that comes out is a choked sound as the collar realligns the pressure on his larynx.

TOBY (to Attikus):
Okay, you’re making me SUPER pissed right now. Where did you even come from, and can you like, go back there and die?