The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!

(Penguin connoisseur.) #5891

Pam, who rushed to the nearest casino with their life savings, calls Toby.

PAM (concerned):
What’s the current bid?

TOBY (still as the Lorrian):
Seven platinum from the fat, ugly thrall who’s poetry sounds like someone scrapping a chalkboard with a wailing, nail-covered baby. And sweety? He’s got like, an unhealthy obsession with controlling my voice, so umm… MAYBE try getting the money through a more, like, erotic means?

PAM (gasping):
Toby Sardianus IV!

Do you want me to sound like… THE LORRIAN!! -for the rest of my life?

PAM (coldly):
Put me on speaker. Now.

Toby does so, suddenly wishing that he had chosen his words better.

PAM (on speaker phone, sweetly):
Beatrix? Please activate program seven, sub-program ASS!!

BEATRIX (shrugging):
Activate B.L.O.O.D. program seven, sub-program donkey.

Toby starts to bray like a donkey, trying to apologize and plead with Pam, but is unable to.

PAM (sour):
There. If you’re going to be an ass, then you should sound like one too. Beatrix? Fifteen platinum, unless my luck turns…

Pam hangs up.

Rath stalks foward with the still-dripping remains of his too too tree clasped in one hand, and grabs Precept from Ernest with the other. His face looks like it’s close to splitting open in his rage, and he makes as if to swing the greatsword at Ernest’s head. He stops when he hears Toby begin to bray like a donkey, and whirls to face the Finisci, noting the collar. His mouth quivering with amusement, but still pissed, Rath looks at Ernest again, then at Beatrix.

RATH (gesturing at Ernest):
That collar… Is there another one that would fit this fool?

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5892

And now back to our regularly scheduled shenanigans…

Well that really depends on how the first one sells, doesn’t it?

(Penguin connoisseur.) #5893

RATH (grunting):
One hundred platinum. IF you reconfigure it to fit the good sergeant. I have… Plans for him.

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5894

REYNA: (Over the comm)
TWO hundred.


(Penguin connoisseur.) #5895

Whiskey enters wearing nothing but a speedo.

Whatever, i was too sexy for them anyway! Mmm…! Yeah!

He begins performing the tea ceremony.

(The One-Armed Bandit) #5896

Ernest grins. Nope. 250 plat. That sword’s great fun, by the way, 10 outta 10 would steal again.

(Penguin connoisseur.) #5897

Rath shrugs and then beheads Ernest, activating his ETB.

I never was good at haggling…

Two-hundred and fifty platinum, going once!

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5898

REYNA: (Over the comm)
Three… hundred… platinum.

Too rich for my blood.


Orendi throws a silken sac against the floor.

Oh my… that is a rather tempting offer… three-hundred forty two platinum plus a sac full of unhatched spider eggs. Imagine what would happen if I attached the mikollopria to a spider! Three-hundred forty-two platinum going once…

(The One-Armed Bandit) #5899

Ernest respawns in the ETB room, looks surprised, then shrugs and goes about brewing himself a cup of coffee.

Ernest (muttering): Sword. Where can I buy me a sword…

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5900

Phoebe phase gates right next to him wearing devil horn flair.

Oh, I could get you some swords if you’re interested.

(Penguin connoisseur.) #5901

Toby’s phone suddenly rings again, and he sees that it is Pam. He taps Beatrix on the shoulder, brays, and then hands the phone to her, who answers it and puts Pam on speaker-phone.

BEATRIX (cheerfully):
Office of Toby Sardianus IV, Beatrix speaking.

PAM (panting):
Are you still… Taking bids…?!

BEATRIX (smiling):
I am. Why are you panting?

PAM (speaking normally):
Dramatic effect…

What’s your new bid, Pamela?

PAM (proudly):
Sixty-four platinum!

Toby face-flippers and brays in a muttering fashion.

PAM (sulking):
Was that Toby?

Yes. He says he’s sorry for what he said, and thanks you for your efforts.

Beatrix gives Toby a thumbs-up.

So did i win?

Not quite… The current bid is three hundred and forty-two platinum, and some other articles.

PAM (distraught):
What?! Who’s bid?!


Beatrix hangs up on a stormy Pam, then turns to Toby with a malicious smile.

Three hundred and forty-two platinum, a sack of spider eggs, Whiskey’s pants, and a crusty old sock going twice…!

(The One-Armed Bandit) #5902

Ernest grins and stirs his coffee. How big you got? None of those little kebab sticks you got. I want somethin’ that goes well in two hands, if ya know what I mean.

(Penguin connoisseur.) #5903

The door to the infirmary is suddenly thrown open, and a hard-faced Pam stalks into the room, straight towards Beatrix. She grabs a chair and pulls it behind her without breaking eye contact with the doctor and, upon reaching her, climbs up on top of it and holds out a small duffle bag to Beatrix.

PAM (flatly):
Thirty-seven hundred and sixty-eight platinum. I don’t care what the current bid is, that is what you are selling the collar for. To me.

Toby quickly opens his beak to tell Pam that the bid is the same and to not spend all of the money- forgetting that he can only bray -and somehow she senses it and turns towards him, silencing him with a look. Beatrix smiles brightly, takes the bag of money from Pam’s flipper, and replaces it with the collar’s remote control.

BEATRIX (cheerfully):
Going once! Going twice! SOLD!! It was a pleasure doing business with you Pamela, and i hope you enjoy your new dominion over your nestmate. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a deposit to m-

Beatrix had started to turn away, but Pam reaches out her free flipper and grasps the front of her dress with a frightening degree of strength. Without even taking her gaze from Toby.

PAM (quiety):
Oh, we’re not done yet… The collar. Can it cloak?

BEATRIX (uneasy):
No, and i don’t see why you would want him to be able to hide from you. Now, please let go of me…

PAM (leaning into Beatrix):
I don’t want it to cloak him; i want it to cloak itself. See, i don’t plan to let him ever take it off, but i also don’t want to have to look at it when i don’t want to. Get me?

BEATRIX (meekly):
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t clo-

PAM (crazed):
No; i’m sorry! I’m sorry that you don’t seem to understand just what i’ve been through and done today to get that money, and to whom. I’ll be surprised if it’s not on tonight’s news! Did you even stop to think for a second about how i managed to get here so quickly? Even the laws of time were smart enough not to get in my way today, doctor!

Pam proceeds to laugh hysterically while the flipper she is holding Beatrix’s dress with begins to tighten it’s hold. Pam suddenly stops laughing, and her eyes narrow.

PAM (quietly):
So, i’ll ask again… Does the collar cloak?

And is it waterproof? My dear nesty IS a Finisci after all.

Said dear nesty suddenly wets himself in terror, but no one seems to notice. Beatrix sweats a little.

BEATRIX (nervously):
Not yet… But if i could just borrow it for a second…

PAM (flatly):
Toby, come here…

Toby doesn’t hestitate. He starts quickly waddling over, while braying in a pleading, apologetic tone. Pam hits the “default” button on the remote, and the collar releases the preasure on his larynx.

TOBY (pleading):
-A-And i swear i won’t-

Quiet. In a second, i am going to hit the release button, and you are going to hand your new collar to Beatrix. You are going to stand there quietly while she gives it a quick tune up, and then you are going to put it back on. I swear to the Great Eagle, if you make me chase you down…

Pam just titters crazily, and then hits the release button. The collar unlocks, and Toby quickly passes it to Beatrix without a word, who immediately walks over to a table and begins tinkering with it, after also taking the remote back from Pam. Several long minutes of uncomfortable silence pass before she finishes, and hands Pam both the collar and remote. Beatrix smiles, but it looks forced.

One updated Beatrix Lucavi Overbearing and Obtrusive Demeanment Collar! Please leave…

Pam pulls something out of her purse and attaches it to the collar before handing it back to Toby with an overly bright smile. He takes it and sees that Pam has added a shiny metal pet info tag in the shape of a fish. On it reads:

Toby Sardianus IV
Owned by Pamela Sardianus
Nova, room #14

Toby stares at the tag in disbelief for a few moments before looking back at Pam with wide eyes. She winks.

PAM (happily):
Just in case you get lost, kipper muffin. Put it on…

Toby puts the collar back on without breaking eye-contact with Pam. He hears as well as feels the lock snap shut, and knows it’s likely to be the last time he hears it do so. He just hopes that he gets used to it’s weight. Pam glances at the remote and hits the “8” button- for “walkies” -resulting in an energy leash connecting the remote to the collar.

REYNA (jealous):
Man… That would have looked great on Trevor…

PAM (lightly tugging on the leash):
Come on, honey. Let’s go show your cousin his new home! If you’re a good boy, i’ll set it to #14 later.

TOBY (resigned):
Yes, Pam…

Pam turns towards Tony, and sees that he needs to go to the bathroom really badly.

PAM (sweetly):
Tony, if you can hold it until we get there, i’ll show you the bathroom in our quarters that is next to your room. Or you can piddle on the floor like your cousin just did.

(Not-Toby) #5904

Tony approaches his cousin’s mate, all shivery
TONY: A-a won’t “piddle” but…

quickly to Toby, shaking a head in disbelief
TONY: Did you just pee on dry land? You know it brings…you KNOW WHAT.

back to Pam
TONY: But we gotta hurry.
PAM (sweetly): Um, why don’t you…
TONY: …go to the infirmary restroom? It’s out of range. We gotta find something “in range” of the transmitter.
PAM OK, let me think…

hopping from one foot to another
TONY: And we gotta do it now Pam!
PAM: (rough) That’s Mrs. Sardianus for you.

even more shivery
TONY: OK, OK, “Mrs. Sardianus” pls don’t let me pee on dry land…
TOBY: Oh no, we, we have to do something. Pam, Pam, PAM!
PAM: Quiet! I’ll take care of it and you will be a good boy and stay here…

sticks out a flipper for a bro flipper shake
TOBY: (gravely) PROMISE?

Pam lowers and returns a favor

PAM: I won’t fail nesty, enough failures for one day. Tony won’t pee … on dry land.
PAM: (yelling) Let’s move on Salmoninsky!

Pam ties a bandana around her head, whips out a wash bag, makes herself an eye black and starts to drag Tony to the exit
PAM: (hell-bent) we’re gonna get you a bathroom, puke.

suddenly Bomb starts to run from the ship’s PA system

(Penguin connoisseur.) #5905

As Pam drags Tony out of the infirmary, Toby makes to follow and then stops, remembering that Pam had told him to stay put. He’d rather not risk her further embarrassing him through use of his collar, so he just stands there next to his puddle of urine on the floor. The other Battleborn there stare at him with varying degrees of disgust and amusement, and he rubs the back of his neck self-consciously, causing his tag to jingle.


After aimlessly running down multiple hallways while carrying Tony, Pam stops.

Umm… Tony…? I just realized… I don’t know where your transmitter is. Where do we go?

(Not-Toby) #5906

TONY: Erm, I missed this installation process, can we just try an’ go to the nearest one and see if the bracelet will beep? I really can’t hold much longer …how about

narrow eyed
TONY: Snack bar’s restroom :smiling_imp:.

(Penguin connoisseur.) #5908

Pam nods seriously, then slings Tony over her shoulder for a better hold, and runs off in the direction of the snack bar. Once there, Pam kicks open the door, and turns towards the restroom. She gasps as she sees the “out of order” sign on the door, and then sets Tony down.

PAM (distressed):
What do we do now?!

She looks around frantically, and then her eyes zero in on a nearby water pipe. Desperate, she runs over and begins pulling on it. After a few moments, the pipe bursts, spilling water across the floor of the snack bar. Pam sighs in relief and nods proudly at Tony.

Okay! Go ahead and do your business, Tony!

Tony just stares at her.

PAM (frowning):
What’s wrong? Technically, if the floor is flooded, it’s not dry land, right?

Tony continues staring.

PAM (chuckling):
Of course… You don’t want me to see you go to the bathroom!

Pam turns around, almost having to swim to do so as the water level rises. Various edibles float out of the snack bar, caught in the current.

There you go! I won’t peek, i promise!

(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5909

Oh, Hemsworth Intelligence Enterprises manufactures all sizes and shapes of swords! The real question is… what do you want your sword to do? And how good is your credit rating? We’ll worry about that later, I’m sure we can work out a reasonable financing option that works for any budget. For now, let’s talk about the Phasic Blade System, and how it can work for you. I saw you stumbling around the medical bay with Rath’s sword. How sad! Here you are, a badass aviant warrior, and you can’t even wield a sword without getting it stuck in the ceiling. Well no more. Imagine a neural implant that could make you wield a sword like a master! Even call it back to your hand with a word or gesture! Imagine a neural implant that would allow you to fight AND play DungeonShock V: The Rereckoninging AT THE SAME TIME! In the past, warriors would be judged based on what they could do with a sword. Well isn’t it time we asked, what can your sword do for you? We can even allow you to control up to 5 blades at the same time! So I ask you Sergeant Igrin… what can your sword do for you?

(The One-Armed Bandit) #5910

Ernest tilts his head to one side. What can my sword do for me… hmmm… Can it be a normal sword? You ask what I want my sword to do. I want my sword to be big. And sharp. And, ehhh… normal-sword-like.

He sips his coffee. Also that sales pitch had WAY too many syllables. God-DAMN, woman.

(Not-Toby) #5911

before she knows it Tony finishes his business and starts “fishing” snacks and cramming them into his mask’s opening
TONY: Thoshe dhamn lodersh, tshey gunna by pusshed, an’ A yvun dunnneedh to flush khe, heh.

slipping some soggy berry squares under Pam’s beak
TONY: Hey, want shum? Eh? Ytsh wet but shtill good.

stiving to withhold queasiness
PAM: Neah, thanks…I had …opulent lunch, yeah, lunch, don’t need…burp…snacks.

After cleaning his mask up and spitting out remains of the urinal cake he tried to tuck in mistakenly Tony climbs up one of the tables and begins to brush off his feathers while his inmate tracksuit floats around

TONY: (cheerfuly) M’key, sna…restroom’s done, what’s for dinner?