With some special modifications of course. First off, your sweat glands will now release the fresh scent of cherry blossoms. Also, some vitamins because you’re horribly malnourished. Let’s see… delousing medication, flea treatment, mite treatment, tick treatment, anti-cooties vaccination, polio vaccination, anti-bed bug vaccination, anti-maggot treatment, anti-giant flying wasp larvae treatment, some clam chowder, herpes 12 vaccination… really standard stuff. I think your next treatment should be… at 1500 hours tomorrow.
7 platinum if the remote controls the voice functions.
Pam, who rushed to the nearest casino with their life savings, calls Toby.
What’s the current bid?
TOBY (still as the Lorrian):
Seven platinum from the fat, ugly thrall who’s poetry sounds like someone scrapping a chalkboard with a wailing, nail-covered baby. And sweety? He’s got like, an unhealthy obsession with controlling my voice, so umm… MAYBE try getting the money through a more, like, erotic means?
PAM (gasping): Toby Sardianus IV!
Do you want me to sound like… THE LORRIAN!! -for the rest of my life?
Put me on speaker. Now.
Toby does so, suddenly wishing that he had chosen his words better.
PAM (on speaker phone, sweetly):
Beatrix? Please activate program seven, sub-program ASS!!
Activate B.L.O.O.D. program seven, sub-program donkey.
Toby starts to bray like a donkey, trying to apologize and plead with Pam, but is unable to.
There. If you’re going to be an ass, then you should sound like one too. Beatrix? Fifteen platinum, unless my luck turns…
Pam hangs up.
Rath stalks foward with the still-dripping remains of his too too tree clasped in one hand, and grabs Precept from Ernest with the other. His face looks like it’s close to splitting open in his rage, and he makes as if to swing the greatsword at Ernest’s head. He stops when he hears Toby begin to bray like a donkey, and whirls to face the Finisci, noting the collar. His mouth quivering with amusement, but still pissed, Rath looks at Ernest again, then at Beatrix.
RATH (gesturing at Ernest):
That collar… Is there another one that would fit this fool?
OKAY!!! SERIOUS OFFER!!! WHISKEY’S PANTS… THIS SOCK… AND THREE HUNDRED FORTY TWO PLATINUM!!! I ACTUALLY HAVE MONEY!!! REAL ACTUAL MONEY!!! I KEEP IT IN A SAC WITH MY SPIDER EGGS!!!
Orendi throws a silken sac against the floor.
Oh my… that is a rather tempting offer… three-hundred forty two platinum plus a sac full of unhatched spider eggs. Imagine what would happen if I attached the mikollopria to a spider! Three-hundred forty-two platinum going once…
The door to the infirmary is suddenly thrown open, and a hard-faced Pam stalks into the room, straight towards Beatrix. She grabs a chair and pulls it behind her without breaking eye contact with the doctor and, upon reaching her, climbs up on top of it and holds out a small duffle bag to Beatrix.
Thirty-seven hundred and sixty-eight platinum. I don’t care what the current bid is, that is what you are selling the collar for. To me.
Toby quickly opens his beak to tell Pam that the bid is the same and to not spend all of the money- forgetting that he can only bray -and somehow she senses it and turns towards him, silencing him with a look. Beatrix smiles brightly, takes the bag of money from Pam’s flipper, and replaces it with the collar’s remote control.
Going once! Going twice! SOLD!! It was a pleasure doing business with you Pamela, and i hope you enjoy your new dominion over your nestmate. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a deposit to m-
Beatrix had started to turn away, but Pam reaches out her free flipper and grasps the front of her dress with a frightening degree of strength. Without even taking her gaze from Toby.
Oh, we’re not done yet… The collar. Can it cloak?
No, and i don’t see why you would want him to be able to hide from you. Now, please let go of me…
PAM (leaning into Beatrix):
I don’t want it to cloak him; i want it to cloak itself. See, i don’t plan to let him ever take it off, but i also don’t want to have to look at it when i don’t want to. Get me?
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t clo-
No; i’m sorry! I’m sorry that you don’t seem to understand just what i’ve been through and done today to get that money, and to whom. I’ll be surprised if it’s not on tonight’s news! Did you even stop to think for a second about how i managed to get here so quickly? Even the laws of time were smart enough not to get in my way today, doctor!
Pam proceeds to laugh hysterically while the flipper she is holding Beatrix’s dress with begins to tighten it’s hold. Pam suddenly stops laughing, and her eyes narrow.
So, i’ll ask again… Does the collar cloak?
And is it waterproof? My dear nesty IS a Finisci after all.
Said dear nesty suddenly wets himself in terror, but no one seems to notice. Beatrix sweats a little.
Not yet… But if i could just borrow it for a second…
Toby, come here…
Toby doesn’t hestitate. He starts quickly waddling over, while braying in a pleading, apologetic tone. Pam hits the “default” button on the remote, and the collar releases the preasure on his larynx.
-A-And i swear i won’t-
Quiet. In a second, i am going to hit the release button, and you are going to hand your new collar to Beatrix. You are going to stand there quietly while she gives it a quick tune up, and then you are going to put it back on. I swear to the Great Eagle, if you make me chase you down…
Pam just titters crazily, and then hits the release button. The collar unlocks, and Toby quickly passes it to Beatrix without a word, who immediately walks over to a table and begins tinkering with it, after also taking the remote back from Pam. Several long minutes of uncomfortable silence pass before she finishes, and hands Pam both the collar and remote. Beatrix smiles, but it looks forced.
One updated Beatrix Lucavi Overbearing and Obtrusive Demeanment Collar! Please leave…
Pam pulls something out of her purse and attaches it to the collar before handing it back to Toby with an overly bright smile. He takes it and sees that Pam has added a shiny metal pet info tag in the shape of a fish. On it reads:
Toby Sardianus IV Owned by Pamela Sardianus Nova, room #14
Toby stares at the tag in disbelief for a few moments before looking back at Pam with wide eyes. She winks.
Just in case you get lost, kipper muffin. Put it on…
Toby puts the collar back on without breaking eye-contact with Pam. He hears as well as feels the lock snap shut, and knows it’s likely to be the last time he hears it do so. He just hopes that he gets used to it’s weight. Pam glances at the remote and hits the “8” button- for “walkies” -resulting in an energy leash connecting the remote to the collar.
Man… That would have looked great on Trevor…
PAM (lightly tugging on the leash):
Come on, honey. Let’s go show your cousin his new home! If you’re a good boy, i’ll set it to #14 later.
Pam turns towards Tony, and sees that he needs to go to the bathroom really badly.
Tony, if you can hold it until we get there, i’ll show you the bathroom in our quarters that is next to your room. Or you can piddle on the floor like your cousin just did.
Tony approaches his cousin’s mate, all shivery TONY: A-a won’t “piddle” but…
quickly to Toby, shaking a head in disbelief TONY: Did you just pee on dry land? You know it brings…you KNOW WHAT.
back to Pam TONY: But we gotta hurry. PAM (sweetly): Um, why don’t you… TONY: …go to the infirmary restroom? It’s out of range. We gotta find something “in range” of the transmitter. PAM OK, let me think…
hopping from one foot to another TONY: And we gotta do it now Pam! PAM: (rough) That’s Mrs. Sardianus for you.
even more shivery TONY: OK, OK, “Mrs. Sardianus” pls don’t let me pee on dry land… TOBY: Oh no, we, we have to do something. Pam, Pam, PAM! PAM: Quiet! I’ll take care of it and you will be a good boy and stay here…
sticks out a flipper for a bro flipper shake TOBY: (gravely) PROMISE?
Pam lowers and returns a favor PAM: I won’t fail nesty, enough failures for one day. Tony won’t pee … on dry land. PAM: (yelling) Let’s move on Salmoninsky!
Pam ties a bandana around her head, whips out a wash bag, makes herself an eye black and starts to drag Tony to the exit PAM: (hell-bent) we’re gonna get you a bathroom, puke.
suddenly Bomb starts to run from the ship’s PA system
As Pam drags Tony out of the infirmary, Toby makes to follow and then stops, remembering that Pam had told him to stay put. He’d rather not risk her further embarrassing him through use of his collar, so he just stands there next to his puddle of urine on the floor. The other Battleborn there stare at him with varying degrees of disgust and amusement, and he rubs the back of his neck self-consciously, causing his tag to jingle.
After aimlessly running down multiple hallways while carrying Tony, Pam stops.
Umm… Tony…? I just realized… I don’t know where your transmitter is. Where do we go?
Pam nods seriously, then slings Tony over her shoulder for a better hold, and runs off in the direction of the snack bar. Once there, Pam kicks open the door, and turns towards the restroom. She gasps as she sees the “out of order” sign on the door, and then sets Tony down.
What do we do now?!
She looks around frantically, and then her eyes zero in on a nearby water pipe. Desperate, she runs over and begins pulling on it. After a few moments, the pipe bursts, spilling water across the floor of the snack bar. Pam sighs in relief and nods proudly at Tony.
Okay! Go ahead and do your business, Tony!
Tony just stares at her.
What’s wrong? Technically, if the floor is flooded, it’s not dry land, right?
Tony continues staring.
Of course… You don’t want me to see you go to the bathroom!
Pam turns around, almost having to swim to do so as the water level rises. Various edibles float out of the snack bar, caught in the current.
Oh, Hemsworth Intelligence Enterprises manufactures all sizes and shapes of swords! The real question is… what do you want your sword to do? And how good is your credit rating? We’ll worry about that later, I’m sure we can work out a reasonable financing option that works for any budget. For now, let’s talk about the Phasic Blade System, and how it can work for you. I saw you stumbling around the medical bay with Rath’s sword. How sad! Here you are, a badass aviant warrior, and you can’t even wield a sword without getting it stuck in the ceiling. Well no more. Imagine a neural implant that could make you wield a sword like a master! Even call it back to your hand with a word or gesture! Imagine a neural implant that would allow you to fight AND play DungeonShock V: The Rereckoninging AT THE SAME TIME! In the past, warriors would be judged based on what they could do with a sword. Well isn’t it time we asked, what can your sword do for you? We can even allow you to control up to 5 blades at the same time! So I ask you Sergeant Igrin… what can your sword do for you?