The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5910

Ernest tilts his head to one side. What can my sword do for me… hmmm… Can it be a normal sword? You ask what I want my sword to do. I want my sword to be big. And sharp. And, ehhh… normal-sword-like.

He sips his coffee. Also that sales pitch had WAY too many syllables. God-DAMN, woman.


(Not-Toby) #5911

before she knows it Tony finishes his business and starts “fishing” snacks and cramming them into his mask’s opening
TONY: Thoshe dhamn lodersh, tshey gunna by pusshed, an’ A yvun dunnneedh to flush khe, heh.

slipping some soggy berry squares under Pam’s beak
TONY: Hey, want shum? Eh? Ytsh wet but shtill good.

stiving to withhold queasiness
PAM: Neah, thanks…I had …opulent lunch, yeah, lunch, don’t need…burp…snacks.

After cleaning his mask up and spitting out remains of the urinal cake he tried to tuck in mistakenly Tony climbs up one of the tables and begins to brush off his feathers while his inmate tracksuit floats around

squelch
TONY: (cheerfuly) M’key, sna…restroom’s done, what’s for dinner?


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5912

PAM (surprised):
You’re still hungry after those snacks? I mean, i was going to make salmon tartar tonight, but i need to go back to my kitchen to get started. If i go do that, can you go get Toby? Oh, and do you want me to take that mask off…?


(Not-Toby) #5913

TONY: Hey, I regurgitated all my breakfast, I need to resuply.

TONY: You can operate straps with flippers?
TONY: (fearful) …you don’ wanna cut do ya? And I can’t walk around without the cover in public anyway, court’s order. Maybe later.

waddling away in the direction of holoshow’s studio
TONY: K, looking forward to that tartar, but before that gotta stretch, y know, my bones. I feel like I’ve been lying down all day …I’ll ask someone to call you should I get lost …thanks Pam.

the amount of Pam’s whew! following Tony’s departure can’t be described


(Not a "Li'l Assbirb!") #5914

Pam waves after Tony with a confused look, then begins heading back to the Finisci’s quarters to prepare dinner. On the way, she decides to call Toby and exact her vengeance on him for his earlier selfishness…


Toby feels his phone vibrate and looks at it to see that Pam is calling him. He answers with some trepidation, walking out into the hall for privacy.

TOBY (uneasy):
H-Hi, honey…

PAM (curtly):
Hello, Toby.

TOBY (uneasy):
Are you still mad at me…?

PAM (curtly):
I am; but don’t worry, i thought of a way to make us even, provided this works, of course.

TOBY (warily):
Provided what works…?

PAM (mischievously):
The mind control option.

TOBY (alarmed):
W-Wait, don’t do that…! Please! I’ve been-

He drops his voice.

TOBY (pleading):
I’ve been a good boy! I-I stayed right where you told me to! Umm…

PAM (questioning):
Umm…?

TOBY (sighing):
Until i walked out into the hall just now for privacy… B-But, Pam-

PAM (sweetly):
Hold that thought, Honey…


Pam angrily presses the #6 experimental mind control button.


Toby is about to beg Pam to be merciful, but his mind grows strangely hazy all of a sudden, and it becomes hard to think.

PAM (inquiring):
How do you feel, dear?

TOBY (in trance):
I… I don’t know…

PAM (chuckling):
Well, i’ll tell you… You feel just ever so thankful towards Beatrix for your lovely new collar, that you want to thank her for it in the best way possible!

Toby’s blank mind soaks all of this up, and he begins to nod. Pam is right, of course! Toby feels so thankful for Beatrix’s collar, but can’t think of how to thank her for it. He slowly tells Pam this, and of course his amazing and beautiful nestmate knows just what he should do.

PAM (in mock seriousness):
You need to give her a long, passionate kiss, Toby. It’s the only way.

TOBY (in trance):
Only way…

PAM:
That’s right; but before you thank her, you need to set your phone to video chat and place it so that the camera faces Beatrix. Otherwise, how will i know if you’re doing it right? Go on, now! Go thank her properly.

Toby walks back into the infirmary with a determined expression, quickly notes that Beatrix is focused on something under her microscope, and activates video chat on his phone before setting it at an angle that perfectly faces Beatrix. Toby then grabs a nearby chair, quietly carries it over to Beatrix, sets it down, climbs up on it, and gently taps her on the shoulder.

BEATRIX (looking over at Toby):
Yes, Toby? Do you need something? I’m a little busy here…

TOBY (in trance):
I just wanted to thank you for my lovely new collar…

Before Beatrix can react, Toby leans into her and wraps his flippers around her head as he presses his beak into her lips. Beatrix’s eyes widen in shock, and it is at that moment that Pam hits the “default” button on her remote, restoring Toby’s normal state of mind. He frowns in confusion as he “awakens” to the feeling of pressure on his beak, and looks straight into Beatrix’s wide eyes. Toby’s own eyes widen as he realizes what he is doing, and he proceeds to scream into Beatrix’s mouth. Pam howls with laughter as Toby falls backwards off of the chair he was standing on, still screaming as he gets up and runs out of the infirmary.

PAM (to Beatrix):
You’ll be delighted to know that the experimental mind control option works flawlessly!


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5915

The two LAB Loaders excitedly speak to each-other on a private internal communications network, once that their mother/father/whatevergender creator cannot detect

That was so AMUSING.

Wonder if we can Apply to become Beatrix’s Lab Assistants… So Amusing…

Hrm, maybe Part Time Application… Not sure how to keep Secret from Mother…

Ugh true, Father would find out eventually… IF we are successful in becoming Lab Assistants…


Meanwhile, Seven noticed Rath looking at the interesting Too Tree with a mixture of grief and anger. Seven didn’t know the rare and very ancient plant belonged to him, and has taken note of Raths current mood. This started to bother Seven, as this Big Bot does take Great Pride in growing a special kind of plant for a very special brownie… Too Tree could use a bit of a boost to recover from damage, but Seven does not know Rath that well. All too bothered by Raths mood, Seven decides to approach the Jennerit Warrior.

Hi.

I could Assist with Repairing Damage to that Plant Specimen.


And meanwhile at the Hyperion Snack and Experimentation Bar, BAR Loader walks out from the back room to discover that the place is … well… in need of some MAJOR repairs, and replies to the chaos with a majestic faceplate-palming


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5916

RATH:
The damage is already done. Like everything I love, it has been stolen from me and cut to pieces. Like my beloved empress… like my beloved empire… EVERYTHING while that TRAITOR RENDAIN is allowed to roam free. I—

BEATRIX:
Uggghhhhhhhhhhh… you are SOOOOOOOO melodramatic. It’s just a plant. Just smear some bark sealant on the chopped branch and put some high calcium soil nutrients in its pot.

RATH:
IT WILL NEVER BE AS IT ONCE WAS!!! JUST LIKE MY HEART! RIPPED FROM MY CHEST AND WOUNDED, IT WILL NEVER BE WHOLE AG—

BEATRIX:
Blah, blah, blah, blah… sadness… blah… malaise… blah… moping… blah… ugh! Go write some depressing poetry already and share it on your blog that nobody reads.

RATH:
You shall pay for this, infectious jezebel! MARK MY WORDS!!! YOU SHALL PAY DEARLY FOR…

Beatrix throws a breath mint in his mouth and pats him on the cheek.

BEATRIX:
See? Not everything in the universe is misery and tastes like cardboard.

He spits the mint out and glares at her. Throughout this spat he has failed to pay attention to Seven and what the big bot has been doing with his plant…


Meanwhile…

PHOEBE:
So let me get this straight… you… just want your sword to be… a sword? Do you even know how to wield a sword? What are you even going to do with the sword? Surely you won’t be using it in battle! What about a sword that spawns grenades around it, so that when you swing it, it throws grenades at your enemies! Or… or… how about a sword that ALSO helps you with your taxes! Why the possibilities are limitless!

She grabs him by the arms and shakes him.

PHOEBE:
THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!!! THE POSSIBILITIES ERNEST!!! A SWORD THAT CONVERTS YOUR ENEMIES INTO EDIBLE SNACK CAKES!!! A SWORD THAT TURNS INTO A GIANT BEE!!! A SWORD THAT CAN SEND LONG DISTANCE CALLS WITH NO OVERAGE CHARGES ON ANY COMM PROVIDER!!! THE POSSIBILITIES ERNEST!!!


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5917

Ernest gestures grandly with his claws.

Ernest: Swooooooooooooord.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5918

Attikus enters with a comically oversized sword and huge chunks of metal armor.

ATTIKUS:
Does anyone want this? It’s from before the last thrall rebellion when I was playing around with my image. Found I wasn’t a sword person. Seems there’s not a lot of demand for big, sharp hunks of metal, not when people can get swords that make toast and other nonsense.

PHOEBE:
THAT SWORD IS WHOLLY IMPRACTICAL!!! It’s no surprise you can’t get rid of it! Now, one of our low end models on the other hand…


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5919

Ernest grins widely, then freezes.

Ernest: Wait. Ya’ll can make a sword that makes toast?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5920

PHOEBE: (After pausing for a moment)
Why yes. Yes we do. It’s part of our Chefs of Steel line.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5921

An emerald green light emitting from Seven’s main optics shines on the plant as Rath and Beatrix commenced Verbal Combat. When said combat ended, the Big Bots work was done. Satisfied, Seven speaks

Repairs Complete.

It is Good.


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5922

Ernest taps a claw on his beak. And how big do they get? Like, on a scale from kebab stick to that majestic piece o’ work over there. He jerks his head at Attikus.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5923

PHOEBE:
We have everything from letter openers to the size of a small space cruiser that can cut through a Jennerit warship. Some of them even do Belgian waffles.


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5924

Ernest’s eyes widen with glee. Aight. Now let’s say a fella wanted his waffle dispenser to be fully automatic. Would you say that’s in the realm of possibilities?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5925

As if by magic, Phoebe produces a sword that is colored and textured like a waffle. The waffle sword produces four waffles on the blade.

WAFFLE BLADE:
Please select one or more toppings… maple syrup, strawberry jam, LLC’s patented syrup substitute, butter, thrall blood, raspberry preserve…

The waffle blade continues listing off toppings as Phoebe folds her arms.

PHOEBE:
So… shall we get to business?


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5926

Ernest strokes his beak. Hmm. I’ll give ya twelve hundred credits for it. Fifteen hundred if ya can make it fire the waffles at over 300 rounds per minute.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5927

PHOEBE:
Unfortunately, the price of this item is closer to the 100,000 credit range. But don’t worry. I’m sure we can work out a fair payment plan that works for everyone. Now then…

WHISKEY FOXTROT: (Entering from the kitchen)
DON’T DO IT!!! I’ll MAKE YOU A KNOCKOFF WAFFLE BLADE FOR FREE!

PHOEBE: (Rolling her eyes)
Oh please. The last time you tried to make a cookware related weapon, it exploded and you were attacked by a hoard of angry bees. Did I mention the weapon was a baseball bat?

WHISKEY FOXTROT:
HEY!!! THE HONEY MUSTARD BARBECUE BAT ONLY EXPLODED BECAUSE I WANTED SOME EXTRA BAM IN MY PRESENTATION!!! THE BASIC DESIGN PRINCIPLES WERE SOUND!!!

PHOEBE:
Just sign a contract with me and get a working product now.

WHISKEY FOXTROT:
F**K THAT!!! LET’S MAKE ONE AND GIVE THE LLC THE FINGER INSTEAD!

PHOEBE: (Folding her arms)
You know how this will end. Just purchase a reliable product.

ATTIKUS: (Holding up his comically oversized sword)
So… I guess no one wants this then?

MINREC: (Over the comm)
DELIVER UNTO MINREC, THAT WHICH IS MINREC’S!!!


Meanwhile…

RATH:
WAS IT TAMPERED WITH GENETICALLY? WAS IT MUTATED? IS IT A PROSTHETIC? IS IT NOW A MAN EATER? IS IT GOING TO BITE OFF MY ARM??? COME NOW… THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT!!! PLANTS DON’T JUST HEAL WHEN THEY’RE HIT WITH MAGIC GREEN RAYS OF LIGHT!!

Miko makes a disgusted noise and walks out.

BEATRIX:
According to my scans there is nothing wrong with the plant. The bot used a beam which temporarily enhanced it’s healing and regrowth properties. There should be no lasting side effects, the plant has not been harmed in any way, and you are being a tremendous ass.

RATH:
THERE IS A CATCH!!! THERE IS ALWAYS A CATCH!!! THINGS LIKE THIS DON’T JUST HAPPEN!!!

BEATRIX:
Uggggghhhhhhhh… you are just the WORST type of person to do a favor for. Just thank the robot already and walk out.

RATH:
Fine. Assuming that there is nothing wrong with the plant, and assuming you have not horrifically mutated it, and assuming this does not SOMEHOW come back to bite me in the ass…

Beatrix smacks him upside the head. Rath pauses for a few moments, then looks at Seven.

RATH: (Curtly)
Thank you.

He promply grabs the cart with his plant on it and wheels it from the room.

BEATRIX:
Really, if he didn’t have rock hard abs, I’d have already dissected him for experimentation.

MIKO: (Returning)
The swordsmith does have fantastic abs.

BEATRIX:
I know right?

Miko makes a noise of pleasurable approval.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5928

Seven becomes quite confused from the emotional outburst of the warrior and waits for him to leave before speaking.

I am Confused. Stimulated Celular Repair and Growth. Cannot Manipulate Genetic Code. Cannot ReConstruct Plant into Posterior Preditor. Heh.


(The One-Armed Bandit ) #5929

Ernest sips his coffee and looks between the three of them. He wags a finger at Foxtrot.

Ernest: Eh, you know what? Just this once I’m gonna go with investing money into a reliable product that won’t blow up in my hands and will be one hundred percent- sike. Atti? Give Foxtrot that sword. Foxtrot? You’re on. We’re makin’ a f*ckin’ explodin’ waffle sword. I’ll pay ya in donuts.

Phoebe sighs heavily.