The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(Velocitas Est Vita) #5952

Ernest grins and hefts his waffle sword. With a valiant war cry, he charges Benedict, only for Larry to nail him in the back of the head with a pancake. He falls in a heap on the floor, swearing loudly.

Larry: Sh*t, sorry dad! I was aiming at Benny! He grins. I swear!


(Cast Iron Chef) #5953

Ghalt reads the message, raises an eyebrow, and then deletes it. He turns off his text app and returns to reviewing expense reports.

“I am!” Montana shouts and grabs the pancake. He stuffs it in his mouth and chews for a bit. “Needs syrup and butter. But not bad, dude! Got any more where that came from?”


(Velocitas Est Vita) #5954

Larry looks uncertain. Uhhh… open wide?

Larry aims the launcher and fires off a few pancakes in Montana’s general direction, before his launcher makes a sputtering noise.

Larry: Ah sh*t, out of batter.

He pops open a hatch on the pancake cannon and flicks out a small tube, quickly replacing it with a fresh one from his belt.

Ernest brushes himself off and chuckles. Speed reloading a batter canister. Damn I’m proud.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5955

While Seven may look like a stone cold machine standing in the corner, in truth, the big bot is beaming with pride. If it could cry, a single tear would be rolling down its faceplate right now

I am Proud. They Learn.


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5956

Benedict stands over Sergeant Igrin and points his grapefruit launcher directly at his face.

BENEDICT:
I don’t know what ya heard about me, Sergeant, but… I ain’t no clay pigeon. So if ya shoot, swing, or chuck some sh*t at me, ya better be prepared for the consequences.

He squeezes the trigger. The grapefruit bursts in the barrel sending shrapnel and citric acid right into Benedict’s eyes.

BENEDICT:
Ahh! AHH!!! SH*T!!! AH!!! AHHHHH!!!

Benedict staggers backwards, attempts to lift off, slams his head on one of the shuttle engines, and winds up collapsing upside down, falling four levels to the bottom of the shuttle bay below. His ETB activates.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5957

*Seven unfolds and walks out of the corner, staring at the remaining edible object combatants. One hand reaches towards its faceplate and mimics the thinking pose :thinking: *

Grapefruit. Pancake. Waffle. Breakfast Edibles. Is Breakfast Combat.

One Flaw. One Flaw Present.

COMBAT IS NOT BALANCED BREAKFAST.

MORE BREAKFAST ITEMS REQUIRED. COMBAT MUST BE BALANCED. CONSTRUCTING LOADERS.

And that typical blue glow and droning sound happen as two new Loaderbots are Constructed. Upon completion, the new combat units raise their modified Hyperion firearms, one a typical Hyperion shotgun loadout with an odd brownish colourscheme, the other sporting a Torgue quad barrel and coloured a vibrant deep pink. Then, Seven speaks again

Penutbutter Jelly Sandwitch Good. Have NUT Loader. Have JAM Loader. Need Bread.

Seven assumes the thinking position and stares at Ernest and Larry again.

Yes. Breakfast Edible Combat Scenario. Aviants are Bread. Don’t get Stuck Together.

Now will Learn Advanced Combat.

Begin Combat.

The two Loaders advance.


(Penguin connoisseur.) #5958

Toby enters the Finisci’s quarters with a drawn, sulky expression. Pam peeks out of the kitchen and smiles at him, and he forces a smile back. Toby knows that he deserved what Pam made him do, and so he doesn’t complain. He just sits at their dining room table, picks up the Flipper-friendly utensils, and prepares to dig into the salmon tartar on his plate.

PAM (appearing at his shoulder):
That’s Tony’s seat, hon.

Toby jumps and then looks at the table. Only two plates are set.

TOBY (confused):
Aren’t you going to eat?

PAM (smiling):
Of course! You don’t think that i went through the trouble to make salmon tartar to not enjoy it myself, do you? That’s my plate over there.

TOBY (frustrated):
Then where’s my food?

Pam points to a plastic bowl on the floor, labeled “Toby”. Toby explodes.

TOBY (furious):
DAMN IT, PAM!! THAT’S ENOUGH!! IF YOU WANT TO TURN ME INTO YOUR PET, THEN GO AHEAD!! JUST KNOW THAT YOU’LL LOSE YOUR NESTMATE!!

PAM (playfully):
But we haven’t even tested out-

She deepens her voice.

PAM (mysteriously):
-The Mystery Button…!

TOBY (furious):
I’M SERIOUS, PAM!! NO MORE!!

PAM (sighing):
You’re right… It was wrong of me to force you to do things against your will, and i’m sorry. You just really upset me with what you said…

TOBY:
I know, a-and I’M sorry too. Look… If i let you try out the mystery button, can we call it quits on the collar for a bit…?

Toby assumes a thoughtful expression.

TOBY (quicky):
Other than to give me a massage, of course! Not the uncomfortable full-body one!

PAM (smiling):
Of course.

Pam hits the mystery button on the remote for Toby’s collar, and he dematerializes as his ETB activates.

PAM (frowning):
What the hell…?

She looks down at the remote’s small screen and sees “Activating Tobi protocol. Check nearest ETB station…”.

PAM (eyes widening):
Oh, F-


Meanwhile…


Tony walks around the set of the ATAH holoshow forlornly, reminiscing about the good old days when it was the biggest thing on holovision, and he it’s producer. Suddenly, he hears a feminine voice behind him…

UNKNOWN FEMALE (seductively):
Hey there, hawt stuff…

Tony spins around… And sees his cousin dressed in drag, with a polished beak and smoothed feathers, talons and beak covered in matching coral-pink talon polish and beakstick. On his neck sits the collar that Beatrix had recently sold to Pam- that’s the ONLY way for him to tell that it’s Toby -and in place of the gold-colored, fish-shaped pet tag is now a pink bejeweled one in the shape of a heart. On it reads:

Tobi Sardianus IV
Owned by Pamela Sardianus
Nova, room #14

The “i” in “Tobi” has a little heart-shaped gem set in place of the dot.

TOBI (winking playfully):
Care to keep a lonely girl company…?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5959

Benedict peeks around the corner with his ETB coffee. Head Shalene appears.

HEAD SHALENE:
That is just… so not good for his mental health.

BENEDICT:
I know, right?


(Not-Toby) #5960

TONY: Heyo, I’ve been told a guy can get a good coffe somewhere around here, know maybe…

TONY: WTF cus? You like dragging or what? Nice dress btw.

Tobi chuckles and starts to bat his fake lashes with impossible speed
TOBI: Ouuu, hoo, hoo, hoo.
TONY: But lemme say this, your talon polish, it’s like …so last season.

Tobi seems displeased
TOBI: (feisty) Huh? And what can YOU know about beauty services?

reaches to his suitcase and hands Tobi a flask of canary talon polish
TONY: More than you can imagine. Here, take mine, I don’t have to feign a chick anymore so, I won’t need it.

disoriented Tobi accepts a gift
TONY: You seem lost cousin…
TOBI: (confused) Yeah, I’m lost…lonely…girl?
TONY: I know, I’ve been going through the same thing, like identity crisis. Hey, is this one of these, y know, Pam antics?
TOBI: P-pam?
TONY: Yes, something about this collar of yours?


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5961

A ghostly robotic woman’s voice echoes lightly down the corridors.

BEATRIX: (From an undisclosed location)
Oh Tony? Have you forgotten your treatment, Tony? Where are you, Tony?


(Velocitas Est Vita) #5962

Larry grins. Ernest picks himself up from the floor and wipes a light spray of grapefruit juice off his vest.

Ernest: Heh. Maybe next time he won’t be so goddamn melodramatic.

He picks up the waffle sword and eyes the approaching loaders.

Ernest: I got left, you take right?

Larry: Deal.

Larry aims his pancake cannon, but his eyes widen and he dives out of the way as the loader fires a rapid torrent of bright purple jam. It splatters onto the floor behind him as he ducks behind a crate.

Larry: Eugh.

He peeks out and fires his cannon, the resultant pancake smacking ineffectually on the loader’s metal casing. He fires again, twice in quick succession, hitting the loader in its shoulder joint and knocking off its arm.

Ernest chuckles at Larry’s discomfort, then stops abruptly as a spray of high-velocity peanuts hits him in the gut. He grunts and doubles over, swearing, then fires his waffle sword multiple times without aiming. The barrage of now maple-syrup coated waffles are largely ineffective, but one lucky shot nails the loader bot in the main optic and sticks there, blinding the robot as Ernest rubs his stomach.

Ernest: Huh. That worked way better than I thought it would.

The loader spouts a torrent of random code through its voice modulator and begins firing in all directions…


(Not-Toby) #5963

Tony turns around and then throws asking glance at Tobi pointing his flipper in one of the directions
Tobi nods
TONY: I guess I should, gulp, go for my treatment?

attempts to attract nearby people’s attention
TONY: Hey, hey, HEEEY! May I have your attention pls?

he succeeds, some bystanders approach the “couple”
TONY: I, gulp, really have to go…to get sumthn. Could someone look to Toby here in the meantime …pls, he’s not himself.

running down the hallway
TONY: I’ll be back in a minute!

BEATRIX: Tony, Tony…Tony. It is not nice to keep a lady waiting Mr. Salmonsky?
TONY: (confused) Uh, I’m pretty sure IT was suppose to be in one ho…AAAH!

rubbing his rump
TONY: Hey wtf doc?! Last time it was my neck.
BEATRIX: (mischievously) Really? Uh, my bad. But does it really matter?
TONY: What? You’re not paying attention? Hmm, do I even get the right treatment?
BEATRIX: Hey, who’s the doctor here, you or me? I’m not sure about you but I am a graduate specialist…
TONY: Yeah, about that. What kind of specialist are you really, can see like some license?
BEATRIX: Is this the joke?
TONY: No, really …there’s so many scammers out there and I thought…

while gently pushing “a patient” to the infirmary exit
BEATRIX: (sheepish) I have ehm… Oh, but your time is up Mr. Salmininsky. I’ll be seeing you tomorrow. Same hour? Don’t be late this time…
TONY: (protest) But I was actually early, and still didn’t get to see…

slamming the door in Tony’s beak
BEATRIX: (sternly) Goodbye Mr. Salmoninsky.
A moment later some soap opera noices start to sound from behind the door, top volume

to the door
TONY: (angrily) Argh, fine! Ba A didn’ say the final squeak …lady. You hea’ me, Am gonna…

looking around and seeing some other patients waiting
TONY: Uh, laterz.

Tony starts to run back to Tobi’s location silently kindergarden-style-cursing under his beak while suddenly he becomes overwhelmed by a familiar “need a bathroom” feeling

and again, a familiar track starts to run through NOVA’s PA system while Tony runs for his dignity…


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5964

Seven watches the chaos unfold, observing the Breakfast Consumable Combat turning into a Balanced Breakfast Consumable Combat. It lets out an excited squeal, then quickly covers the grill of its voicebox in embarrassment

Was not Me. It was that Loader Unit.

Seven points at the NUT Loader firing Peanut Rounds in an erratic pattern. Said NUT Loader thought Seven’s Squeal was one of the Aviant’s, turns to face the source of the noise, and accidentally opens fire on Seven. Yet again, Seven lets out another robo-girly-squeal

NO. NO. NOT ME. OW. HEY. CEASE FIRE.

The JAM Loader holsters its firearm, grabs its arm off the floor, and slaps NUT Loader across the faceplate with it. The waffle slides off, but the sticky syrup still impedes the loaders vision. It turns to the JAM Loader and pets it with penuts. Now JAM Loader squeals

NO. OW. COLLATERAL DAMAGE UNACCEPTABLE. FOOL.

JAM Loader slaps NUT Loader again

Seven walks up and slaps them both

Wise Bots. Eh?

JAM Loader just poses the fingers of its severed arm into a poking position, and pokes Seven in the eye. JAM Loader lets out an odd laugh

NUK-NUK-NUK.

Seven grumbles in irritation while NUT Loader just spins in circles. It flicks the peanut gun into full auto and excitedly babbles out an odd noise

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOOOOP!

Seven sighs, grabs both Loaders and slams them together. Both slump to the floor in a daze. The irritated Big Bot grumps out orders

BREAKFAST CONSUMABLE COMBAT MUST BE BALANCED. ATTACK AVIANT TARGETS.

Need’s More Fiber. Bran Good. Bran Flakes.

Bran Flakes with Fun Marshmellow Shapes. Fun Marshmellow Shapes Encourage Consumption of Bran. Bran is Bland. Fun Marshmellow Shapes are Fun and Yum.

The Two Loaders slowly get back up as Seven continues to babble about Bran Enhancement

Yes. Fun Marshmellow Shapes. Hyperion Brand Bran. Loaderbot Shape Marshmellows. 13 Essential Vitamins and Minerals. Improved Bowl Movement. Fun Marshmellow Shapes. Part of this Balanced Breakfast Brawl.

Who wants Some?

A bright blue light emits from Sevens backplate and forms into a standard Hyperion Defense Turret. The NUT and JAM Loader advance towards Ernest and Larry again, while Seven begins to internally construct Hyperion Brand Bran with Fun Marshmellow Shapes.

Constructing Ammo.


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5965

Elsewhere, Pam waddles as fast as she can through Nova’s corridors, fiddling with the remote.

PAM (muttering):
Stupid Mystery Button, stupid limited range remote… clears throat, raises voice and calls out Toby? Dear?

She stops. She vaguely recalls, not too long ago, having worked out a bellyslide technique that let her move around the corridors with the speed of a graceful predator, but the strict knowledge of how to do so escapes her. So she goes with Plan B.

PAM:
Nova? Could you help me find Toby? Or, I guess, Tobi?

Pam shudders when she speaks the name.

NOVA:
I probably could. But that would involve looking away from the Breakfast Battle Royale going on.

PAM (growing more and more frustrated):
The Break-- WHAT? You know what, never mind. I thought you were a super-intelligent Magnus, capable of doing all sorts of ridiculous feats of mental processing and all that! ISIC can make math that can break the universe, and you can’t look at two things at once?

A brief pause.

NOVA:
Oh, I totally can.

Silence.

Pam gets the hint with a sigh.

PAM:
I’m sorry, Nova, that was really mean of me, and-- and–! chokes back a sob But you’re right, I should do this myself!

Pam raises her head high and goes back to searching for her nestmate, waddling confidently.

Several moments pass.

NOVA (around a mouthful of digital breakfast popcorn, whatever the heck that is, but it’s thematic, darnit):
Sorry, did you say something?


(Super Badass Constructor ) #5966

Seven continues to construct the “Hyperion Brand Bran with Fun Marshmellow Shapes” ammo as the battle between the Aviants and the NUT/JAM Loader continues. Then, out of the blue, Seven just has a horrible thought

WAIT. GUYS. CEACE FIRE.

FORGOT THE MILK. DON’T KNOW HOW TO CONSTRUCT MILK.

BREAKFAST CERIAL NEEDS MILK.

■■■■.

BE RIGHT BACK.

Seven folds up and hastily hovers out of the room swearing in code


(Penguin connoisseur.) #5967

Tobi wanders through the halls of Nova, looking for a hawt stud to appreciate her fabulous appearance. Not long after the good-looking Finisci with the speak impediment had run off, Tobi had examined the strange collar around her neck, and the tag stating that she belongs to Pam. As IF! The rough-beaked Jezebel must have clasped the collar on Tobi when she was sleeping or something, because she’s jealous. Try as she could, Tobi could not remove it, though she WAS able to rip off the tag- as much as it accentuated her already staggering beauty- which she had tossed to the side with no small amount of satisfaction. Tobi plans to slap the guano out of Pam when they next cross paths. As Tobi starts to walk past the gym, she stops and does a double-take as she spots one hunk of a man posing in front of the weightlifting mirrors. She approaches from behind, enthralled.

EL DRAGÓN (admiring his abs):
If only the Señoritas could see how much El Dragón strives to appease them!

TOBI (dreamily):
Oh, I definitely appreciate it…

El Dragón turns with a smug look towards the sound of his unidentified fan’s voice… And then starts when he takes in Toby’s appearance and, even more unsettling, the lustful look in the Finisci’s eyes. He looks around for the telltale signs of hidden cameras, assuming that this is some sort of prank for Toby’s holoshow.

EL DRAGÓN (playing along):
Oh HO! Come to watch El Dragón as he hones the body and skills that have made him The Champ, eh, my little chica…?

TOBI (blushing and giggling):
This chica wants to do more than just watch…

El Dragón flexes his chest muscles while laughing heartily as Tobi approaches him, which soon turns into an unsettled chuckle as Tobi places a flipper on his chest and begins rubbing it while leaning her head against him.

EL DRAGÓN (in a stage whisper):
Eh… Toby…? This is a bit much for a family holoshow…

TOBI (eyes shining):
We’re on TV?! She squeals girlishly. I guess they should change the rating then…

Moments later, El Dragón is seen screaming at the top of his lungs as he runs straight through the nearby breakfast battle royale, heedless of the nutritious ordinance flying around him.


(Not-Toby) #5968

TONY: Whew, that was a long “session”. I-aaah, ouch, cramp.

dragging one of his legs Tony pushes the door of the cabin, and then the bathroom door attempting to…

and suddenly the door hit him in a beak as some shouting sounds behind it
TONY: What da…

thock
sound of plastic cracling at the floor
TONY: (muffled) Ow.

unluckily at this very moment his bladder asks for a…
TONY: No, I’m OK, really, stop… making things up, OK?
THE NARRATOR: But I thought…
TONY: (sternly) I don’t pay you to think, tell’ em what happened later.

with a bit o a headache Tony hobbles out of the restroom and stumbles upon…
A GUY: So, did you finish…

Tony starts to reach with his flipper to the guy
TONY: You mean… oh, yes, I finished my call, here you …aw F***.
TONY: (troubled) Listen. Your phone…there’s been an accident…
THE GUY: That’s gonna be 3000 credits.
TONY: W-wha…

the guy reaches to Tony with his hand open
TONY: Um, b-but A don’…mayhap you possess another communication device, good Sir?

the guy whips out some raddled-looking aparathus, all abraded, covered in patches and with a tiny display
THE GUY: Here you go…Sir.

Tony arduously keys the number with his talon and leans down to the “device”
TONY: Pam?

a minute of concerned lecture later
TONY: Toby?..nah, didn’ see’ im…

another minute of concerned talk later
PAM: (in the speaker) …Where are you?
TONY: Funny you ask…


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5969

_Pam mutters to herself as she looks for Tobi, hustling as best she can. Her previous surge of confidence has worn off, to be replaced with almost cartoonish grumpiness once more. She finds the discarded tag, grumbles something, to herself, then perks up when she hears El Dragón’s shriek of terror. She rushes that way, again as best as she can, when the phone rings. She doesn’t recognize the number. She picks up.

PAM:
Of course it’s you.

PAM:
Funny ‘ha-ha,’ or funny ‘clowns make the best noises when you strangle them?’ Because honestly, I could really go for the latter about now. sigh Anyhow, I think he’s-- she’s-- whatever-- chasing around Mr. Drake somewhere.


(Not-Toby) #5970

TONY: I may be in need too, y see…
PAM: WHAT?! DON’T TELL ME YOU HAD A SEX CHANGE AND…
TONY: It’s nuffin THAT serious jus…
PAM: I’m listening.
TONY: I may need to borrow a certain sum from ya… cuz I borrowed this guy’s…
THE GUY: Hernik
TONY: Henrik’s aparathus and I got pushed and it fell…

Pam sighs deeply
TONY: And now I am held liable…
PAM: That’s all we need, another trial, have you any idea what WE are going through right now?
TONY: (formally) You may have briefly informed me on the issue. So, can I have the money?

Pam and Tony bump on eachother but don’t seem to notice that and are keep talking to their devices
PAM: How much?
TONY: Three key.
PAM: (skeptical) Really?
TONY: Yeah, and Henrik actually agreed not to sue me if he’ll get his money fast…
PAM: WTF? HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT CAN YOU BUY FOR THREE THOUSAND?
TONY: (teary) Idk… I’m new to this world.
PAM: WAS THAT PHONE PLATINUM LINED OR WHAT?

“the guy” tips Pan gently but Pam doesn’t seem to give a eF
HENRIK: It was actually a limited edition…

PAM: Surely the guy is…

Henrik tips Pan again
HENRIK: …uh, Miss, we’re standing right here.
PAM: Hang on a sec, some creep is bugging me…

turns head to Henrik
PAM: LEAVE ME ALONE, I HAVE AN IMPORTANT CALL HERE!


(Velocitas Est Vita) #5971

Larry scratches his head as he watches El Dragon run screaming past. He turns to Ernest, who ducks back behind cover as the NUT Loader fires a rapid burst of peanuts in his direction.

Larry: Dad! El Dragon’s runnin’ away from somethin’. Should we be worried?

Ernest: Nah. Dragon’s always runnin’ from somethin’. Probably just a grumpy sentry or… His eyes widen. Aw, hell. I know what it is. He grins. Cover the door! Stupidly fabulous worthless puke, incoming!