The Ask The Aviants Holoshow!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5992

Benedict reappears with his grapefruit launcher and begins firing indiscriminately at everyone, annoyed that he’s blown through 2 ETBs in the last 15 minutes. In his haste he accidentally fires a grapefruit at Pam.

BENEDICT:
Aw, Pam, get outta the way! I’m tryin’ to use yer husband for target practice here!


(Velocitas Est Vita) #5993

Ernest rests his waffle sword on his shoulder and squints at Benedict. Is it even her husband now though? Can you still call it that without offendin’ someone or everyone? I’m hella confused.


(Penguin connoisseur.) #5994

TOBY (offended):
YOU’RE confused?! I don’t even know whether i find you or Benedict more attractive anym- I-I mean…! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT DAMN REMOTE!!

One of Benedict’s grapefruits smacks Toby in the face, knocking him on his adorable butt and causing him to scream as the juice gets in his eyes. As it mixes with the syrup caught in his headfeathers, however, he feels his mind become significantly more clear. Struck by a sudden idea, he turns towards Ernest again.

TOBY (excited):
Ernest, quick! Slap me in the face with your big, sticky sword!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5995

BENEDICT:
Larry! Get yer ass out from behind that cover! I need to pay ya back for fuelin’ my nightares the past few months!


(Velocitas Est Vita) #5996

Ernest shakes his head vigorously.

Ernest: Nope. Not now you’ve said it like that. Not a f*ckin’ chance.

Larry wanders out from behind the crate and aims his pancake cannon dramatically.

Larry: 'Sup!

He fires his launcher. With a thunk, the resultant pancake flies out of the barrel and misses Benedict by a considerable distance.

Larry: Sh*t.


(Penguin connoisseur.) #5997

TOBY (desperate):
Please…? I-I think the only way to get rid of my girly thoughts is for me to be coated in your syrup and Benny’s juices- Oh, i see what you meant now…

Look… Do you really need a reason to open fire on me? Just look at how i’m dressed!

Toby, momentarily caught off guard by the collar’s influence, starts to look himself over and admire his fabulous- With a frustrated growl, Toby slaps himself in the face repeatedly.

TOBY:
AWW, JUST HIT ME ALREADY, YOU CHICKEN!!

Oh geez… Sorry, Ernest…! I-I meant to imply that you’re a coward, not that you’re a literal chicken! I’M SORRY!!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #5998

Benedict targets Larry and fires. Against all logic, the grapefruit misses him completely and ricochets off a wall, the ceiling, Ernest’s waffle sword, the JAM and NUT Loader face plates, Ernest’s waffle sword again, and finally, the waste receptacle, hitting Pam square in the face.

BENEDICT:
DAMMIT PAM!!! I SAID GET OUT OF THE DAMN WAY!!!


(XB1: Abattoirista) #5999

Somewhere in the multiverse is a universe where Pam did some dramatic ‘leaning back’ dodge, or artfully deflected the grapefruit with a swift flipper, or even did a flip, caught the grapefruit in the middle of it, and flung it back.

This is not that universe.

The grapefruit manages to hit her right in the beak, splattering all over her face, half of it remaining on like some weird yellow-ish mask. She flails around, the grapefruit stuck while the juice in her eyes has her freaking out too much to just peel it off and she goes running into a wall. She bounces off and falls over.

That gets her to scramble to her feet and peel the fruit off with a shriek of raw fury, but the juice already in her eyes has her stumbling around blind, right into…

Pam sighs wetly into the new grapefruit impaled on her beak, and she just staggers back until she finds the wall and takes a moment to reorient herself.


(Super Badass Constructor ) #6000

The two Breakfast Bots were totally going to open fire at Toby, but the JAM Loaders weapon, well, jammed! NUT Loader will not engage in combat if its counterpart cannot, for they must attack in unison to keep this Breakfast Combat Balanced! JAM Loader mumbles in frustration.

Weapon Jammed. Not Pun. Is not Funny.

It did not take the Loaders long to find the jam… It was indeed jammed, pun included. One of the jam rounds went off prematurely in the chamber. The two Loaders quickly solve the problem as the breakfast combat heats up again

Then, that happens. NUT Loaders optic sensor gets punched in, causing it’s vision to malfunction, while JAM Loader gets knocked off balance and lands in a pile of “ammo” crates

Forgetting combat protocol in its panic, NUT Loader opens fire in an erratic pattern…

A barrage of peanuts just grazes Benedict’s headcrest. More nuts ruffle the chest-feathers of Larry and Ernest barley ducks his tail-feathers out of the way.

Peanuts don’t have no time to let folks reorient themselves. A nutty barrage nails the grapefruit stuck on her beak, pushing it in slightly more…

And Toby, oh Toby, how could the peanut barrage forget about him, or her? In some freak accident with hit and miss odds, the peanuts implode, unable to figure out if they are to hit or miss. Don’t ask!

JAM Loader grumbles in irritation as its main weapon is …snickers, jammed, and has gone flying into the back corner of the combat grounds. Seeing that it has landed into a crate of oranges, it decides to sit there and chuck said fruit at the Aviant combatants. Sadly, the fall has messed up its only functioning arm, and it tosses those fruits at grandma speeds…


Meanwhile, in Nova’s Food Stores. Seven frantically searches the refrigerated chamber for that elusive Milk. When its eye finaly scans the location of said Milk, it lets out an excited robotic squeal for a whole 1.5 seconds, before said squeal turns into a sound of shock. There is only ONE carton of milk left…

NO.NO.NO.NO. NEED MORE. NEED MORE. BREAKFAST COMBAT COMMENCES WITHOUT ME. GONE TO LONG. NEED MORE MILK. NO. WHY. WHY. WHY THIS HAPPEN. GONE TOO LONG. DAMMIT.

Seven grabs the last carton of Milk and hastily hurries back to the combat.


(XB1: Abattoirista) #6001

With the wall literally at her back now, Pam braces herself and tries to peel the grapefruit off her face. But just when she thinks she’s got a grip, she finds herself pelted with peanuts, pushing the breakfast fruit against her face enough that her beak is actually pushing through the peel from the inside. She tries to yell, growl, talk, whatever, but it just comes out sounding like a very angry kazoo.

She turns and desperately tries to blindly waddle away from the action based on the noises around her, which would be a great idea if she didn’t step on the grapefruit she discarded earlier. She slips and falls, going into an impromptu belly slide in all of the juice and syrup on the floor at this point, sending the mashed grapefruit flying where it could potentially hit anyone…


(Penguin connoisseur.) #6002

Toby scrapes the peanut shells out of his gorgeously-smoothed feathers, and narrows his eyes at the NUT loaders.

TOBY:
KEEP YOUR NUTS OFF OF MY FACE!! U-Umm… That’s not…! I meant

Damn it…


(Super Badass Constructor ) #6003

TEA Loader rushes into the battleground, perfectly balancing a tray of tea cups with a fully loaded pot-o-tea

WHAT IS THIS? BREAKFAST WITH NO TEA?! SHAME ON YOU ALL! SHAME!

TEA Loader then un-holsters a strange looking pistol with its free hand and starts firing teabags into the combat. It also zealously chants.

SHAME!

SHAME!

SHAME!

SHAME!


(Penguin connoisseur.) #6004

Toby throws up his flippers to block the onslaught of tea-based projectiles.

TOBY (angry):
AND QUIT TEA-BAGGING ME TOO!!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #6005

Whiskey Foxtrot re-enters holding a giant iced-tea freeze ray.

WHISKEY FOXTROT:
I heard tea. I like mine iced. With lime.

He fires at the wall and a large frozen iced tea splotch appears. He scans the room.

WHISKEY FOXTROT:
So do I go with the cliche and fire on Benedict, or do I do something unexpected? On the one hand, seeing Benedict suffer is always worth it. On the other hand…

Whiskey is hit in the face with a grapefruit. The citric acid splashes into his eyes and in pain he holds down the trigger and fires in an arc pattern around the room, ending with him freezing his feet to the floor.

WHISKEY FOXTROT:
Oh well, that’s just f**king great! G****MMIT BENEDICT!!! GET OUT FROM BEHIND THOSE CONTAINERS RIGHT NOW!!

BENEDICT:
F**K YOU!!! AS IF I WASN’T GONNA BE YER FIRST TARGET!!! I’VE ALREADY BLEW THROUGH TWO ETBS TODAY, I AIN’T RESPAWNIN’ AGAIN!!!

Whiskey fires his iced tea ray at Benedict’s container cover, freezing them into big chunks of iced tea ice, but leaving the big bird unharmed. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the beings he hit unintentionally when he lost control of his weapon…


(Super Badass Constructor ) #6006

NUT and JAM Loader pause in awe at the power of the giant ice-tea freeze ray. Both machines feel a little under-powered all of a sudden and decide to jump behind some cover, dodging the erratic freeze beam. TEA Loader however mocks its cowardly comrades.

SEE YOU FOOLS, BEHOLD THE POWER OF TEA AND TEA BASED ACCESSORIES!

SHAME ON YOU NON BELIEVERS, SHAAAAMMEEEE! OOhhh… SNAP!

The erratic Loader slips on a frozen ice tea puddle, and hastily regains it’s balance, keeping that tea tray in its hand perfectly balanced still.


(Penguin connoisseur.) #6007

Toby had started to worry as he saw Whiskey enter the fray, as the failed Mike clone’s booty has proven to have a hypnotic hold over Aviants in the past, and who knows what could happen in Toby’s vulnerable, semi-feminized state?

Luckily for Toby, the thing he least expects to happen is what occurs. For as Whiskey loses control of his frigid firearm, one of it’s shots goes wild and strikes Toby’s collar, the resulting cold causing it to malfunction and unclasp. Toby cheers as he sees it fall to his feet, and then runs over and hugs Whiskey’s leg.

TOBY (happily):
My hero…


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #6008

BENEDICT:
HEY Y’ALL!!! WHISKEY’S FROZEN TO THE FLOOR AN’ CAN’T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT!!! EVERYONE FIRE ON HIS ASS!!! BONUS POINTS IF YA HIT TOBY!!!

Benedict immediately fires a barrage of grapefruits at Toby and Whiskey Foxtrot. Meanwhile, encased in a block of frozen iced tea…

KELVIN: (Through internal vibrations)
Huh. So this is what this feels like. Wait, how did he HIT ME? I was—AM sublimated! More importantly… do they actually know I’m in this block of ice? I… oh no… I can’t signal to them…



I really hope they thaw me out before they flush me down the refuse…


(Super Badass Constructor ) #6009

TEA Loader will not stand this infidelic attack on a fellow Tea Fighter

IGNORANT BIRD. YOU CANNOT STOP THIS GLORIOUS TEA PARTY! SHAME ON YOU! SHAAAAMEEE!

TEA loader holsters its Teabag pistol, takes the Tea Pot off the tray, flicks a switch on it, and throws it towards Benedict’s cover…


Seven races towards the entry to the combat arena, squealing in excitement. It can hear all kinds of combat noises ahead… Wonderful noises of a Breakfast Combat achieving Balance. Yes. Balanced Breakfast Combat. Just needs Milk. Just needs Milk. JUST NEEDS MILK!


(Benedict's Glorious Wingspan) #6010

Benedict narrowly avoids a face full of exploding teabags as he lifts off and flies to the top of a shuttle for cover.

BENEDICT:
Ha HA! Nice TRY!!! Better luck next time champ!

He fires a barrage of grapefruits at the TEA-Loader.


(Penguin connoisseur.) #6011

TOBY:
YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE, DAMN IT!!

Toby yelps and jumps back as a grapefruit comes hurtling at him, then swears, apologizes for swearing, and runs off down the hall in the direction of the mess hall.

TOBY (yelling behind him):
JUST YOU WAIT, PUKES!! WHEN I GET BACK, I’M GONNA PUT THE BREAK IN “BREAKFAST”!!