“Okay, old man, what the hell is going on with my canisters? It’s like I’m shooting people with lime body wash.”
“Why, Mellka, hello! I must say, I’m surprised you even know what body wash is.”
“Yeah, I’ll be honest. Not here for the one-liners today. A bit pissed off. Feelin’ kinda murdery.”
“We can’t have that now, can we? At least, not until you’re safely on some battlefield and I’m several light years away. So, your canisters aren’t satisfactory, is that what you’re saying?”
“They’re supposed to kill people. They aren’t killing people. I could drink this ■■■■ and walk away smiling. Probably get a buzz off it too.”
“Recall, there have been some slight amendments to your munitions over the campaign. Perhaps we ought to start at the beginning and analyze them. Permission to log into your private account?”
“I’m not giving you my password.”
“I wasn’t asking for your password. Just for your permission. Heh heh.”
“…damn it, Kleese. How long have you had it?”
“Long enough! But don’t worry, I won’t say a word to Deande.”
“Can we just get to the part where you help me start killing people again? Because I really need to kill someone. No names, but let’s say they’re pretty close.”
“It’s me, I know, but my natural curiosity makes it impossible to turn back. Let’s see. According to your munitions data, your venom initially did 12 damage every half-second tick, for a period of 8 seconds.”
“Yeah, I remember that. Why did it stop lasting 8 seconds again?”
"Because we gave you a slightly stronger but more volatile toxin, remember? Back in July. Here, let me show you the notes on the system:
Reduced the duration of venom from 8 seconds to 4 seconds
Increased the damage of venom by 50% (12 to 18 at Level 1)"
“Yeah, that’s some kind of sneaky wording right there. It makes it look like a fair trade-off, but it actually went from 192 total damage to 144 total damage.”
“You can talk numbers too? I’m so impressed!”
“Who the frig do you think I am, Oscar Mike? I’m not stupid, Kleese. I know what you’ve been trying to do. You know, I technically am on your side.”
"And believe me, the closer you get, the more nervous I become! Now, let’s take a look at the next change log. It appears your venom was further diluted. See the notes here:
Reduced the damage of Mellka’s Venom DoT by 56% (from 18/tick to 6/tick at level 1)
Oh. Wait. That’s odd."
“What the hell? So it started at 12 a tick. It was increased by 50%, which put it to 18. Then it was reduced by 56%, and it went to six? Why did it not go almost back to where it started?”
“I don’t… I don’t actually know. This is some kind of infernal mathematics.”
“What’s next? A ‘50%’ reduction to duration that takes it down to one second? Did we just go ahead and break the universe when we blew up the Heliophage?”
"This is fascinating. So let me get this clear:
July - Increased the damage of venom by 50% (12 to 18 at Level 1).
January - Reduced the damage of Mellka’s Venom DoT by 56% (from 18/tick to 6/tick at level 1)
It’s beautiful, Mellka. A living, breathing mathematical impossibility. I’m afraid to look at it for too long, in case it tears a hole in my consciousness…"
“Just give me back my venom, Kleese.”
“Sorry, I didn’t hear that. Too busy admiring the mathematical conundrum.”
“sigh. Fine, whatever. Just get to the punchline.”
“Oh, Mell. You sweet summer child. This time, you are the punchline.”