Why isn’t Benedict on the list. I’m confused.
Shh! He’s online!
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Man… I ain’t no Varelsi!
Although…
NEW POLL!!!
Given the choice between having sex with Benedict and having sex with a Varelsi… who would you pick?
- The sexy, awesome, winged glory that is Benedict. Treating you RIGHT.
- Some dark, evil monster thing from another dimension that can’t be bargained or reasoned with and wants to kill you and everyone you hold dear.
0 voters
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Homicidal or not, I don’t swing that way buddy. I’m sure there are female varelsi… Or the next best thing.
Abort mission. ABORT MISSION NOW
6 Likes
First: Berserker are hottest. Also Gunhulk if set on fire.
Second:
And for No.3
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Thinks… Oh Benedict, you’ve done it agin! This thread is awes-
Wait a minute! Hottest Varelsi? Why isn’t there a hottest thrall thread? Descrimination!
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I’m going to keep that abandon thread gif saved for future moments.
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Because if we go there then we have to go to the sexiest minion thread and I don’t think we want to take it that far.
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It’s a Tie between Hylis and Attikus.
I mean even Caldarius confirmed Hylis’ Handsomeness and Deande says if Caldarius says something, it is never an over exaggerated statement.
The Others? No contest.
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No love for Warlord Nix?
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Nope. He used to be the rude Bully who wouldn’t let me get by in the voids Edge, before I learned how to play BB properly. No love for him.
At least Hylis can Talk… Nix and also Foreman Grall (probably No. 1 one on the Thrall/Varelsi List, due to being the only one) don’t talk, just grunt.
But what gets my love is this Mermaid Man Gif, since I just heard Kid Ultra shouting it after killing a Varelsi.
2 Likes
Not seeing the problem here… 
Okay, I know that usually I’m not with Benedict. (Mainly just for fun BUT that’s not the point.)
WHAT THE HELL?!
63% would rather have sex with a VARELSI?!
A… a VARELSI! GUYS!
No way!
Benedict is terrible, I know. Nobody would want to have sex with Benedict, but a VARELSI! GUYS!
Crazy…
I wouldn’t be surprised if even Toby would vote Benedict on thi-… Nvm, don’t wanna think about it. o-o
Anyways, I voted for the Conservator. It’s just fancy, and nice and… Gracefull. Hell yeah.
Speak for yourself! … And me. I’m off with Whiskey and Nix. Muccchhhh better.
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Okay, OKAY!
Not many people would want to have sex with Benedict.*
BOOM! Changed that! 
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Subjectively attractive rather than objectively unattractive.
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Nobody is going to bring up the thrall lieutenant from the sentinel mission? Dude has a voice like [insert amazing metaphor here because i just woke up]! But Attikus would be my number one on a sexy Thrall list -u-
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Comes back to thread.
Sees the poll results for the choice between Benedict and a Varelsi.
Glares at the terminal. Immediately dials Captain Ghalt’s emergency line. Ghalt picks up the comm immediately and sounds real, real panicked. As he should.
GHALT:
WHAT’S HAPPENED!!!
BENEDICT:
Captain, Captain, we have a serious problem!
GHALT: (Sounds of him loading shotguns and getting ready)
What!? What is it!?
BENEDICT:
Alright… so yesterday I started a poll on an online forum as a joke about the hottest Varelsi in Battleborn.
GHALT:
WHAT!? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT!??
BENEDICT:
I know, that’s how I voted too! Anyway… I think we’ve got a serious problem…
GHALT: (His energy quickly dropping as he takes long, deep breaths)
Benedict, are you in your quarters?
BENEDICT:
Yeah!
Ghalt mumbles a series of obscenities.
BENEDICT:
Listen… There were a few people who didn’t take that option though… who seem to ACTUALLY THINK Varelsi are sexy! So I did a second poll to see if people would rather have sex with me, a real FLESH AND BLOOD organism, member of the Battleborn, and sex machine, or A VARELSI!!! And Captain, 63% of people chose the Varelsi OVER ME!!! Ghalt, I’m worried. I’m real worried! I think the Varelsi might be using some kind of mind control or freaky psychic powers to turn regular people into ravenous Varelsi sex slaves forced to do their bidding!!! THAT’S THE ONLY explanation, man!!!
A long pause…
GHALT:
Benedict… I haven’t had my coffee yet… so I’m sorry if I sound pissed… but I want to remind you that my EMERGENCY COMM is for EMERGENCIES ONLY… YOU GOT THAT???
BENEDICT:
Ghalt! This IS an emergency! The very fate of the universe could be at stake! Out of 8 voters, over HALF chose NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!!! THE VARELSI ARE WARPING THE MINDS OF OUR INNOCENT YOUTHS AND TURNING THEM INTO DARK SERVANTS TO FULFILL THEIR DASTARDLY PLANS!!!
GHALT:
Benedict… the next time you call me on this line it had better be a REAL emergency or I’m gonna come down there, shove my shotgun up your ass and give you a bullet suppository. IS THAT CLEAR???
BENEDICT: (Suspiciously)
Ghalt… when given the choice between having sex with me… and the mysterious Varelsi Veil Walker… which one would you choose? I’m not asking for any particular reason… I just wanna know.
Benedict stares at his comm, his eyes like fire. There’s no way they got Ghalt… no way…
GHALT:
NOVA!!! END TRANSMISSION!!!
Benedict sits for a moment… then walks calmly over to Boomsday.
BENEDICT: (To Boomsday)
Don’t worry baby. Don’t worry. They ain’t gonna get me. Ya hear? They ain’t gonna get ME!!!
7 Likes
I’ve never thought of him as sexy, but I do really like that guy. I love the dogged weariness in his voice, entirely conscious of the task’s pointlessness. “Fine, that’s fine, we’ll try again, that’s all.” A small line but suggestive… gives an idea of the thrall’s depth beyond mindless cannon fodder and zealous roaring servants of Rendain.
1 Like