Why the "Nice Guys" movie spells the END for BATTLEBORN

That is it folks. The writing was on the wall for quite some time, but I feel as though it is unavoidable at this point. The Nice Guys was released yesterday, and frankly, it’s phenomenal success is nothing short of a vacuum where a game like Battleborn cannot exist in it’s cataclysmic wake of absolute world shattering excellence (I’ve not seen the movie, but I did see the trailer, which is like the Beta of movies).

Before some one asks for a TLDR of the following. I will say this IS the TLDR; as I’ve spent the last 18 consecutive hours writing my thesis and have decided to to post the following as an excerpt. Now again, my thesis is F2R (or free to read) unfortunately, every page comes with a small G250 “Giubucks” transaction of (.59 USD). It is currently at 273 pages, but you’re welcome to read as many as you please!

Back to the point.

Battleborn is dead. It is fortunate Rath carries that large sword on his back, as it can clearly be his grave marker. Even Galy’s OPness, DESPITE overnerfing, could not stop this event.

This is how it all went, down. Some time in the last decade (no one knows when really) the team at Gearbox went ahead and decided to produce Battleborn. Their research and development team modeled their entire structure after Al Capone, recognizing that forcing fans in to purchasing a product was ingenious. By purposefully alienating them with assured updates, patches, and feedback, they would create a Stockholm Syndrome so potent, that Battleborn would be success for eons to come (literally until an actual Solus circumstance).


(Marquis seen above in Mafia uniform).

Or so they thought.

This was all helmed by Randy Pitchford, a man shrouded in absolute mystery. Little is known about him prior to his meteoric rise as the mogul of this corporation. He was a close up magician who performed at the Magic Castle in LA, an institution practically pioneered by Dai Vernon. But isn’t Dai Vernon a Canadian? Yes, yes he is.

I contacted the Canadian embassy and Dai Vernon’s son, Derek. Neither of whom were willing to speak on the matter. Why is this? Two words; Randy Varnell. Two people, both named Randy in the same company. What are the chances? According to BabyCenter.com, Randy was not even in the top 300 chosen names of 2015, meaning the overall chances were 0/300 (number of employees in Gearbox). They’re the SAME person.

EVERYONE in Gearbox is, how else do you explain the delays?

But again, that is irrelevant because their warrant has been signed.

Rotten Tomatoes gave this movie a rating of 88%. Jurassic World, 2015’s biggest hit which generated the second largest opening gross in the HISTORY of mankind, only got a 72? This film will be a billion dollar success, if not trillion. I checked Battleborn on Rotten Tomatoes, and do you know what I found? Nothing. How can a game with that many cinematic sequences not be considered?

Well, perhaps it would have. Had they not rushed.

It was clear after the Beta, that they were trying their best to beat the May 14th release of the Nice Guys which had everything their community was asking for, if not more.

The Nice Guys has NONE of the following;

No Server Issues.
No Lag time.
100% guarantee of no nerfing.
100% guarantee of no buffing (Crowe is buff enough).
Single player (watch it alone).
Multiplayer (Watch it with friends).
Online co-op (Stream it!)

It even has a wide array of original weapons;
http://www.etonline.com/media/photo/2013/01/23983936/gosling_ferrell_kimmel640.jpg

AND EXCLUSIVE SKINS

(Sold separately)


But this only scratches the surface.

For all of you who may say;

“This thread is stupid, and they have nothing to do with one another.” This has been a conflict a long time coming, as they had been at ODDS since both of their inception.

Ryan Gosling was offered the SEXIEST man alive several times, and he snubbed them each and every time. Despite this accomplishment, Gearbox never once considered him for their community bad ass award. Giving up the potential star power of the most handsome and lovely thing in existence for whom on their cover art? I ask WHOM? Bloody RATH. RATH.

Anaface, a super scientific method of checking beauty claimed this photo of Rath is a 4.5 in the beauty scale. Meaning he is less attractive than the average male. LESS ATTRACTIVE. Gearbox and their radical left wing pro body image stance chose a less than average male to go up against Adonis himself.

Why?

To please the feminists of course.

If you Google Battleborn, you get 1.5 MILLION results, but if you Google Battleborn feminist, it is only 68,000 results. A lousy 4% of their base is even Feminist! As opposed to 96% who I can assume radically oppose them. This is where they failed, but this was classic contrarianism by Gearbox.

Why? I’ll tell you why.

Alien: Colonial Marines. Now, this has been brought up plenty, and you may ask; “What does this have to do with this movie, and a company who was only responsible for salvaging a product, and of course a film that features neither Aliens, nor the titular Marines?”

ANSWER: Shane Black.

The Director of of the “Nice Guys” a.k.a. Battleborn Bane, is ALSO the director of the new Predator movie.

Alien vs. Predator, ladies and gentlemen. Alien vs. Predator.

Not convinced? Battleborn is a game featuring several Aliens, while The Nice Guys is a movie about people chasing a Predator. How blind can everyone BE?

To any of you who claim; “Giu, why don’t you just watch the film and then play Battleborn?” You underestimate what I assume will be my future dedication to the film. I plan on having it play in the background in perpetuity, when people speak to me, I will only respond in the quotes from the film, and I’ve got no time in my day to do anything else.

My schedule:

11 Hours @Work.
1-~12 Hours, assaulting Battleborn on this forum.
1~12 hours, enjoying the Nice Guys.
1~12 hours, uncovering the conspiracy.
1 Hour, Sleep.

SO LONG.

P.S.S. Pfft, don’t even try responding, as I probably won’t respond to any denials against this which are clearly and wholly perpetrated by Gearbox shills.

Reeeelax.

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Thats some Grade A Parody

I will need two tinfoil hats to digest the whole meaning of this post

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So many great satirical points in here. I love it dude. You should do standup or write a column for a newspaper or something. !0/!0

Much better than your last attempt.

Dread to think how long that took you? Oh wait, 1-~12 hours…good effort

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Nah, I disagree with all of it. You’re a nice guys troll pretending to be a battleborn fan aren’t you?

18 hours of pure meditation.

It says so in the pre-pre-script.

Also, most of my attempts end in failure. My Battleborn record shows that.

Well, if a jobs worth doing…

This is one of the greatest things i’ve read.

Oh dear you almost got me lol

PS: Re-De-Nerf Russell Crowe!!!

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When I saw the title of this thread I was dreading it was going to be yet another dumb reason why Battleborn is going to ‘die’. Thankfully I got a chuckle instead. You gotta laugh about this stuff or you’d cry.

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I’ll finish that for you.

If a job is worth doing, DON’T. Just market it! :slight_smile:

Russel Crowe would find that to be fighting words.

And he is famed for fighting AROUND THE WORLD.

Here he is in Moscow, with famously has more CS players than BB, and yet he’s still cornering the market.

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Why isn’t it in “Fan Creations”? That’s what that section is for.

9/10. Would read again. Quality post.

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damn giu xD

GIU IS OP OVER 9000

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Good riddance to garbage! Gearbox was worse than Hitler. I heard storys about those guys.

And here I thought it was “The Huntsman, Winter Wars” that was the cause…

Man am I glad I read this…

Sometimes us old grunts can get kinda confused when we are not shooting things…

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Correction, when we are not shooting AT things…

without the AT it looks like your implying us old grunts actually hit stuff

oh yeah…

hand and rifle 6 inches above parapet…or boulder…or sand bag

Old M-16 on rock and roll

head down…BELOW parapet…or boulder…or sand bag

And rifle set to “auto seek target and engage without head behind sights”

Worked a lot for me…

Ammo a problem though…LOL

I just came back from seeing “the nice guys” with several friends and see this post -> lol x)

I can confirm that the co-op for the nice guys is quite fun. We also shared that enjoyment with others peopels in the movie theatre, so I ca ‘tell you that the nice guys’ community is quite… nice.
Some of the characters’ quick melee is a bit OP tho.

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